99 44/100% Pure…. You Go Girls!

USWNT Soccer
BobLee
July06/ 2015

Unless you’ve been in a coma the past month, you’re aware the USWNT (?) has been/is THE Talk of THE Sports Universe.   “The Flying Ponytails” clobbered Japan 5-2 last night thereby winning The FIFA Women’s World Cup.

After appropriate contemplation, I am declaring The USWNT “Flying Ponytails” to be “about as pure a sports entity” as we’re likely to encounter these days.   99 44/100% so!  I declare it OK to gush about them and shower them with excessive adulation.   That means go to Wal-Mart and buy a t-shirt Made in China and declare you have “ALWAYS been a fan”….. and hope no one asks you what FIFA means.

In anticipation of this perquisite “bandwagon effect” allow me to offer this primer so your water cooler comments do not reflect your aforementioned “last month in a coma”.

USWNT stands for United States Women’s National Team.   I don’t know if that is pronounced in some abbreviated fashion (US-Wo ??) or simply by the letters U-S-W-N-T.    Yes, there is a USMNT. Surely you can figure out what that stands for.   To my knowledge, so far those are the only genders that have their own “National Teams”….. If that should change (and its even money it will soon) I’ll let you know.

FIFA is the NFL or NBA of World Soccer.  FIFA stands for Fédération Internationale de Football Association.   The rest of the world calls Soccer Football.   Don’t be the quintessential “Ugly American” and make a big stink about that.   Just go along with it.   As befitting any All Crabby AppletonPowerful Bureaucracy overseeing anything, FIFA is hopelessly corrupt.  Like Crabby Appleton, FIFA is “rotten to its core”.  The Dirty Old White Men who are The FIFA cartel make Bond Villains look like Boy Scouts.

The Barons, Dukes, Warlords, White Slavers and Pimps who run FIFA with an iron fist are worse than a mid-size American city’s School Board. Heck, I’ll go so far as to say FIFA is worse than a HomeOwners Association (HOA).  NOTHING is as haplessly corrupt and inefficient as an HOA.   Really.

Would your HOA “give” (wink, wink) a World Cup to Qatar, or was it Chad.   I never can keep Qatar and Chad apart.   Kinda like Iran and Iraq.   Or Jonathan and Drew Scott – HGTV’s Property Brothers.

Qatar and Chad, along with Yemen, Niger, Ferguson and Baltimore are the dreaded 4th World Countries.  “America” is on-pace to join that ignominious group by around 2019.  AgentPierce made me say that. ….. Back to The Flying Ponytails of The USWNT.

Over the past week or so I’ve tried to find comparisons to USWNT on the very short-list pantheon of Sport entities we can watch without holding our nose.   Jordan Spieth in Golf is as close as I can get.   The CWS – College World Series in Omaha qualifies.   I will include Steph Curry too.

I would have The St Louis Cardinals on that list but they’re “on hold” right now for that nasty “hacking thing” with The Astros.  “Russell” is starting to “get squirrelly” again so he is “iffy”.

Yes, I know Ol’ Roy puts himself and UNC Basketball on / at the top of the Holier Than Thou List.   Even Jan Boxill thinks that is stoopid. …. and Kennel declares Everything Wolfpack as “Caesar’s Wife” but until BK gets his own website, that won’t happen.

BUT BUT BUT BobLee that one gal is GAY…..OMG!!!  Amy, Abby, Annie whatever !!!   It’s Abby and yes Abby Wambaugh touts her “I’m Proud To Be A Lesbian” thing.   She hugged and kissed her Life Partner during the Victory Celebration and, of course, THAT went viral.   Call me compromised but its 2015.  Deal with it.

In the coming weeks the members of USWNT will be “everywhere you look” as every Obscure Cable Talk Show, et al clamors to glom off their glory.   The very militant gay activists commandos will go into Blitzkrieg Mode to exploit Abby Wambaugh’s Gay-ness. That is an absolute For Sure.

The non-gay girls on the USWNT will all be asked ad infinitum “What do you think about Abby being gay” and they will all reply with the scripted “we love Abby and support her Life choice…..” etc etc.   Attempts will be made to “out” other members of USWNT or even to condemn the straight ones for NOT “being gay”.   I wish I could tell you that won’t happen, but it will.

The Destroy America Coalition is going to exploit the USWNT to a faretheewell.   The Good Thing is that The USWNT Phenomenon means The Confederate Flag’s “Andy Warhol Celebrity Clamor” is over.   “The Media” can only obsess about one PC-OMG at a time.

Had a soccer gal wrapped herself in a Confederate Flag in their Victory celebration, the Milky Way Galaxy would have EXPLODED!

Oh, what about the ALL-IMPORTANT Racial Diversity.   Alas, the USWNT is even LESS racially-diverse than the UNC–CH student body which is darn near statistically zero.  Bet you didn’t know that, huh?

I think there is ONE USWNT member who is sorta AfAm in the way that Spurs’ Tony Parker “counts”.   I could be wrong but I don’t think so. The 1999 team (Brandi & the sports bra) had an AfAm goalie FWIW.   Expect Ol’ Sharpie Al and Mama Obama to get busy ASAP on “blacking up” the USWNT.

Alex Morgan…. The Alex Morgan’s “good looks” thingy will be beaten to death by the Matt Lauers of the world.   I could propose Matt Lauer be beaten to death but that’s probably being too harsh.

…. Anyone noting “Alex Morgan IS pretty” will be immediately castigated and maybe even labeled “a Republican”.   Expect all 25 or so declared Republican Prez candidates to be quizzed – “Do YOU think Alex Morgan is pretty?”   Their answers could doom their candidacy……. Expect Donald Trump’s answer to be “above-the fold”.

The salaries of USWNT members are all over-the-place depending on what website you choose to believe and how “she makes” is calculated.   They all make less than the 12th man on an NBA bench or an NFL deep snapper.  “Pretty Alex” and “Gay Abby” make the most.

The 5-2 victory over the Eeeeevil Japanese was “a Rout” by soccer standards on the level of many of the first twenty Super Bowls.   ANY comparison of “beating the Japanese yesterday” as Revenge for Pearl Harbour is off the REALLY STOOPID Scale so expect someone on The View and either Joe Biden or Sheila Jackson-Lee to do it by Tuesday .

Carli LloydThe star of the Finals’ Rout of The Eeeeevil Japanese was a Carli Lloyd.   I don’t know anything about her. I saw her interviewed after the game and she came across very poised and articulate.   No visible tatts but I assume most of the USWNT have some small tatts somewhere, that I don’t need to know about.   She referred to her “fiancee” and I detected the “he” pronoun.  Just sayin’…..

Expect many of the team to get sponsor deals immediately with “women’s beauty products”…… “cell phone providers”….. and those ubiquitous insurance companies.   More power to’em.

My Good Sports buddy – “Chansky” – tells me there are SIX Former UNC “Anson-ettes” on the USWNT.  None are named Mia but that’s still a highlight for UNC at a time that “highlights” are sorely needed.

I only understand the very basics of soccer….. (1) You can’t use your hands unless you wear those big clown gloves and only goalies get to wear those….. (2) The games are “over” when everyone suddenly stops running around. The clock is just to warn us “they’re going to stop running around soon.” VERY STRANGE! …… (3) Soccer was made for High Def TV….. (4) Pay attention when there is a “corner kick” because someone might actually score then.   A “corner kick” is when a player sets the ball in that little space “in the corner” then kicks it towards the goal where everyone jumps up and tries to “head it”.

Is Hope Solo “a thug”?   I don’t think so.   The “domestic violence” charge has always been sorta bogus.   She IS a bit of a “biker chick” from “a difficult home life”.   She is married to a black “former NFLer” and she does seem to “step in controversy” a lot….. but by NFL / NBA standards Hope Solo is a pure as the driven snow.   Plus she has a GREAT Name with not too many syllables so even board monkeys can almost spell it correctly.

Yes, You can discount everything I’ve said above and declare you are sick & tired of all the hubbub about the USWNT and:

“If God had meant for girls to play sports, He would have made them boys.” …. OUCH!

I moved beyond “that” with Wilma Rudolph or at least by Mary Lou Retton.   I was not around with Baba Zaharias.

Yes, I still say Women’s Basketball is boring as hell until “they” lower the goal to 8’ and shorten the court by 20’.   But “Girls playing Soccer” seems more than OK to me.  Count BobLee a Fan of The USWNT.   I will forego the Made In China t-shirt from Wal-Mart.

99 44/100% Pure.   Where did I steal that phrase?

###

Don’t Forget QUIRKY NEWS !!!!

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JD
JD
5 years ago

I didn’t watch a single second of a single match and I couldn’t be happier.  Soccer is lame it will always be lame and beating the Japanese in any sport other than little league baseball is no big accomplishment.   I guess I’m supposed to care because it is Team USA?  Sorry I still don’t care.  If they cared so much about Murica then perhaps they would have worn a uniform that wasn’t black and white.  I guess black and white was selected as to not offend anyone. Starting in 2016 all TEAM USA uniforms will be RAINBOW COLOR so… Read more »

John
John
5 years ago

i don’t think there’s any reason to think the CWS is any less corrupt than March Madness or the

FCS.

NCSU68Grad
NCSU68Grad
5 years ago

Totally agree with your column…. I seem to remember some All American BOY winning an Olympic even several year ago and the nation went primate feces over him.  Bruce, call me Caitlyn now, Jenner.  He was on cereal boxes and TV and whatever.  Wonder is any of the USNWT members will wander down THAT path. The game was really over early.  I did catch one moment that sort of “startled me”.  In the last few minutes, on of the ‘Tails booted the ball back over center field.  It was “headed” back and came within a few meters of the original… Read more »

Blake Pace
5 years ago

Thank you for the Crabby Appleton pull-quote!

I loved Tom Terrific (Crabby’s nemesis) cartoons on Captain Kangaroo when Bob Keeshan was the Captain.

I am gratified to once again been edified by your erudite education. Keep tilting agin’ them windmills!

Porgie
Porgie
5 years ago

Will anyone dare ask of the 6 unc-ch members of the team if not having to take real classes enabled them to devote more to to developing their skills and enhance the odds for them making the USWNT ?

FightingBobKennel, Jr.
FightingBobKennel, Jr.
5 years ago

You know, I actually invented women’s soccer in the United States. Fact.

mike preddy
mike preddy
5 years ago

I must have missed it.  Did you see “United States” or “USA” on the ladies unis?  Might have been a FIFA thing.

Doug
Doug
5 years ago

Wonder if the USWNT show up in malls across the country like Richard Petty did back in the day? Almost forgot that malls are now mostly walking tracks for seniors for when its too hot, too cold,  or just too something.

MaryLouH
MaryLouH
5 years ago

As millions of new “Soccer Moms” and “Soccer Dads” rush to sign up their little 3-4 y/os girls to Select Teams…. is it too early to show them the data that “youth soccer” is more dangerous than Football with far more knee & shoulder injuries and even more concussions?

EdInMemphis
EdInMemphis
5 years ago

I have been in several HOAs that could give FIFA a run for its money for total corruptness and bureaucratic nonsense.   No personal experience with school boards but I can imagine they are much the same.

BB
BB
5 years ago

Loved watching last night.  I made a mental note:  didn’t see tattoos all over the place, which was great.  Seemed more all-American to me.  Very proud of USA bringing home the trophy!!!

TerriE
TerriE
5 years ago

BL, do you have any ideas if / how many of the women soccer team are “Christians”?

BarryP
BarryP
5 years ago

I PREDICT:  Every one of your predictions about USWNT Team in the coming weeks will come true.

Frank Linstreet
Frank Linstreet
5 years ago

BL; did you catch Joe Biden down on the field (‘pitch”) after the game “coping feels”, “grabbin’ butts” and doing his usual Dirty Old Joe routine?

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