ESPN has over 40 executives with “Vice President of” in their official titles. Just typing today’s title sent cold chills all over my very un-corporate body.
The hallways at ESPN’s Bristol Connecticut World HQ must have more booby-traps than those Viet Cong tunnels along the Ho Chi Minh Trail. More backstabbing must go on around there every day than in the palace courtyards of Versailles during the reigns of all those Louis’. I can imagine a “meat wagon” pulling up to the loading dock at 5:30 every Friday to haul off the carcasses of the “too trusting” ….. “too naïve” or just unlucky.
Sorry VP Whozit but the overnight “cumulatives” for your Bombastic Babblers ‘R Us dropped 2 pts in the all-important “single digit IQ” demographics. “Big Bossman” Skipper says we gotta make a change. Here’s a cardboard box for those pictures of wife, kids and Chocolate Lab named Scotty. You got twelve minutes to clear out. Gus here will escort you (1) out of the building, (2) off the campus and (3) out of Connecticutt. ….. even “think about” walking outta here with your Official ESPN iPad and Gus will break your thumbs. …… Next?
Over 40 VPs almost makes UNC’s Board of 32 Governors seem feasible. I said “almost”. I’ve never visited the ESPN “campus” but it must challenge the architects to build administrative fiefdoms with that many “corner offices”.
This week their competitor FoxSports1 announced it is “belt-tightening”. That is corporate-speak for losing $$$$ hand over fist. Everyone below Sr VP level or who is not “a special favorite of” (wink, wink) a Sr VP is “on the bubble”.
Has ANYONE watched more than 90 cumulative minutes of FoxSports1 in the year or so it has existed? FS1’s “flagship show” is a oh-so-not-clever Sportscenter knock-off with two jamoocks from Canada – Jay & Dan.
“The tall one” / Jay (I think) – is “that guy” in every office who makes a jackass of himself at every office party. He makes Duffin-Mifflin’s Dwight Schute likeable by comparison. I watched these two the first week FS1 was on a few years ago. They made me uncomfortable. I decided I’ll give’em a few months then check back….. they had gotten less good.
FS1 “star” is a potty-mouth gal named Katie Nolan whose appeal must be to “all the Micks down at Tubby’s Pool Room in Revere”. Katie goal to go an entire year without washing her hair or applying make-up is in its 8th month. I picture Katie rolling drunks in back alleys with Hope Solo.
I did not keep count but I do believe EVERY show concept FS1 launched with was scuttled within the first three months. All the ones starring Regis Philbin and former Albanian Rugby players were, I’m sure.
IF Fox’s purpose had been do comic parodies of ESPN shows that might have worked. Every idiot brother-in-law can “do Stephen A” and “Skip” doing their imitations of Howard Cosell and Jim Rome. But FS1 was playing it straight. Unbelievable.
I used to watch Mike & Mike for 30-45 minutes in the morning with my coffee. I still think those two guys are “real” and would be nice neighbors. Haven’t tuned’em in in three months. Read where some ESPN VP was bringing in a bimbo as a 3rd wheel on M&M’s show. Still going after that all-important “single digit IQ” demographic apparently.
During the NBA Playoffs, I did not watch a single ESPN talk show about Last Night’s or Tomorrow Night’s games. OK, I also did not watch a 1st, 2nd or 3d quarter of any NBA Playoff game either. Does anyone?
Has the NBA Draft been held yet? Hell, has the NFL Draft been held yet.? What color Jr-Sr Prom Day-Glo tuxs did the first ten picks wear
?
Am I the only one who thinks new NBA Commissioner Adam Silver looks like he should either be maitre’d of the Star Wars Cantina or Uncle Fester’s cousin? Bud Selig was a dead ringer for The Simpson’s “Mr Burns” now we have this guy.
….. THE ONE guy worth DVRing on any “sports network” is Frank Caliendo. He is an AWESOME TALENT. Frank can “do” all the other over-the-top personalities in sports broadcasting better than the originals.
…. I do “get” the bizness. Art and I do our own local yokel version of “it” with The Good Sports. Create an on-air persona you can live with and hope a double-digit audience can “live with it” too. Go over-the-top with the persona if “the suits” tell you to or if you like juggling hand grenades.
The target “demos” in most every case are Board Monkeys. Suck those brain dead rubes in with “Your favorite team’s feet stink” diatribes. Take’em right to the edge of the cliff but stop just before they gather in the parking lot and start lobbing Molotov cocktails onto the studio roof.
FoxSports belt-tightening may be scary for our pal Pinecrest’s Kristin Balboni who left ESPN for Fox six months ago. KB is enough of a bottom-line bargain she may have her own show when the smoke clears. I hope so.
You may have noticed since Lord knows I’ve told you often enough that ESPN Honcho One a/k/a John “Big Bossman” Skipper (UNC’75) is on a Super Duper Politically Correct binge the past year. John didn’t get that way growing up in Lexington. Maybe it was those twenty years he worked with Rolling Stone….. ya think? You just know Skipper’s 40 VPs are quite a “diverse” bunch containing every known species and multiple hybrids.
Skipper has 24 mind-numbing hours to fill every day on 6-7 different “platforms”. That is a lot of blow-dried goobers flapping their pie holes about “sports”.
Remember “the pre-ESPN days” when Sports was a 10-minute bit After The Weather Guy at 6 and 11. Those 10 minutes are still all it takes to tell you all you need to know….. (1) who beat who…. and (2) who do they play next.
I’m not sure if Skipper’s well-publicized wristslaps to Stephen A or Skip or Colin or whoever for their latest OMG utterances are real or just WWE wrestling skits. I suspect a bit of both.
As long as enough board monkeys truly truly HATE Stephen A, Skip and Colin they have complete Job Security.
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Oh Oh Oh ….. Last week I had lunch with a handful of longtime Franklin Streeters….. “Good” Franklin Streeters. Not the scary mouth-breathing variety. Several of my lunch buddies have names and credentials you would recognize. Of the six, FIVE were adamantly outraged over Roy’s Reward for his virtuoso Sgt Schultz performance.
They thought Roy’s raise / contract extension was “a joke” and further evidence that chaos continues to rule as regards The Great Unpleasantness.
Most ABCers think Zippy The Pinhead two cubicles over from yours is typical of “all Carolina fans”. There IS a UNC chucklehead faction for sure, but aplenty of very solid citizens as well. Functioning adults who have been upset with this trainwreck for quite some time.
Why aren’t “the fully functioning adults” being heard or being listened to? Because some of the worst chuckleheads have very loud voices and very deep pockets. That’s why.
Check out the changes in Quirky News down below….. For anyone concerned we were doing “too much cheesecake”, that picture of Adam Silver is “just for you”. FYI: Our three “most watched” Quirkies so far are #1 Holly Hooters ….. #2 Roy Sgt Schultz…. and #3 Joey Heatherton.
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