Andy Benoit (who?) Tweeted and… KABOOM!

Brandy Chastain USA Soccer
June24/ 2015

Rafters rattled in Rapid City. Swallows swallowed in Capistrano. Lions laid down with lambs in Louisville. Sports Illustrated writer Andy Benoit tweeted that “Women sports are not worth watching”.Andy Benoit

“At least 80,000, maybe as many as 100,000” totally offended fellow humans promptly pounded their plowshares into cyber swords and lit Twitter torches in demonstration of their unadulterated outrage at Sports Illustrated writer Andy Benoit.

Everyone surnamed “Benoit” immediately petitioned to change their surname ASAP.  Can you blame’em?

People who “knew Andy growing up” are being interviewed by CNN and NYTimes.

“He (Andy) was a quiet boy…. never caused no trouble as I recall.  Andy just wanted to grow up to “be Art Chansky”.  Uh Oh!  I guess you never know whats in a man’s heart until he “tweets”….. going off to NEW YORK CITY is probably what caused all this”.

carrie_nation“As many as 93%” of those goggle-eyed, spittle-spewin knee-jerking offendees have never read a Sports Illustrated either on-line or on-newsstand. They think “SI” is a once-a-year Swimsuit Issue that still causes librarians across Middle America to play Carrie A. Nation campaigning against “filth” taking over sports.

94.6% of “you people” have no idea who Carrie A. Nation is.  She was the Original “Ol Battle-ax”.

…. I aCheryl Tiegs SIm very close to totally losing the incredibly important point I was trying to make here….. Oh yeah. SI writer Andy Benoit tweeted that “Women sports are not worth watching.”  The blowback has been Tsunamic.

…..  Sports Illustrated writers used to be a significant part of American sports way-back when Sports Illustrated The Magazine was a significant part of American sports…. When Cheryl Tiegs wore that fishnet thingy and Kathy Ireland and Christy Brinkley helped most of today’s 40-ish year old men thru pubeDA0432rty.

… With due respect to Cheryl, Kathy, Christie et al, those of us north of 50 relied upon Ann-Margret, Joey Heatherton and Shelly Fabares to accompany us on that rite of pubescent passage. If you still think of Joey whenever you see a Serta mattress you know of what I speak.

If you’ve never played “Ginger or Mary Ann” you and I probably don’t have much else in common.  I am/was/will always be “a Mary Ann” kinda guy.

…. If UNC Sports is now measured Before/After Marvin hit Send, then Life for many of us is measured Before/AftUrsula Andresser Ursula Andress emerged from the surf in Dr No.   I personally consider Honor (Ms Galore) Blackman in Goldfinger’s hayloft more memorable, I’m likely in the minority.  I’m getting used to being “in the minority”.

To whit, I will add the key three word phrase phrase that Andy Benoit might added to his most horrid tweet: “in my opinion”. “In my opinion” that MIGHT have reduced the National OutRage At Andy to a mere national rumble but probably not.

I note all these gratuitous mention of sex objects of the feminine persuasion to remind you’ans that Andy Benoit’s employer has a long history of rather profound objectification of “women”.   The irony of Horrible Chauvinist Tweeter Andy Benoit working for Sports “Swimsuit” Illustrated is simply off the charts.

Had Andy Benoit prefaced his HORRIFIC TWEET with “in my opinion” it probably would not have mattered. This is 2015.  OUTRAGED and OFFENDED is what “it’s all about” at least in the Western Hemisphere.

It wasn’t like Andy Benoit was wearing Confederate flag boxer shorts and whistling Dixie when he tweeted. If he was, I haven’t seen it in the dozen or so columns I’ve read about America Demands The Severed Head of Andy Benoit.

If Andy Who from SI could become a Most Hated Tweeter with six words, imagine if Stephen A or Skip or Colin or Mike or Mike tweeted something that GAWD AWFUL ??

My favorite sport is Baseball.   Board monkeys and urban blacks think baseball “is not worth watching”.   It would never occur to me to BE OFFENDED by their opinions….. about anything.

If Andy Benoit worked for John “Big Bossman” Skipper (UNC’75) at ESPN – The World-wide Leader in Political Correctness; he (Andy) would have been castrated, boiled-in-oil and Bravehearted by now.  Maybe even keelhauled.

What Skipper (UNC’75) did to Bill Simmons would be nuthin’ compared to the mincemeat Big Bossman Skipper (UNC’75) would make of a chauvinist pig like Andy Benoit. Yo, Beadle, get the wood chipper.   Benoit is the journo/media-equivalent of Floyd Mayweather !!!

“Keelhauling” is one of those punishments that needs to be revised. Google it if you have no clue what it involved.  Pirates did it a lot.

My point, if “a point” is a must, is that what Andy Benoit tweeted is not significant at all. The firestorm response to Andy Benoit’s tweet is The Point….. at least it is to me.

As I followed the bloody trail of the Tsunamic Backlash to Andy’s tweet, I could not help but wonder if my incredibly profound all-time all-time simile about “girls basketball” would be dredged up.

“Watching girls basketball is about as exciting as watching boys try to knit.”

It hasn’t been mentioned yet, until now. You think I should tweet it to Andy Benoit at SI?

Andy’s abbreviated 6-word tweet also did NOT mention:

How Come Ol’ Roy IS Rewarded for “not knowing what went on in his program” while that other UNC BB coach – Sylvia Hatchell – awaits her ignominious fate unrewarded and unloved for EXACTLY the same professed naïveté.  How come ‘dat, UNC BOT?

I suspect Andy was moved to tweet what he tweeted because The Planet is now supposedly transfixed on The USNWST team. The US has a USNMST too but until one of the M rips off his jersey and show the world his sports bra ala Brandi Chastain in 1999 in Pasadena, M soccer will remain in the shadowy depths of our sports buffet. ….. NOTE: USNWST stands for United States National Womens Soccer Team for anyone who cares.   There is no USNTST (T for Transgender) yet…. but just you wait.

If you dare to “not care profoundly about women sports” Hope Solo is going to show up on your front door, kick the door in, butcher all your pets and carve Helter Skelter above your fireplace with a machete.  Am I the only one who thinks Hope Solo (no kin to Napoleon Solo or Han) carries a straight razor in her sock?   If you were casting a chickified version of Walking Tall who would you cast as Buford Jo PusserHope Solo or Ronda Rousey?

For the handful of you not totally absorbed by the USNWST, the “Mia Hamm” of this team is a lesbian gal named Amy Wambaugh. Mia (a/k/a Mrs Garciaparra) was not / is not “a lesbian” but Amy very proudly is.  Its 2015, is there any kind of lesbian other than “a very proud to be” one? ….. Unlike NWBA very tall she-person in dreadlocks – Brittany Griner – Amy Wambaugh has never been married for three weeks to a pregnant not-a-lesbian-anymore named Glory.Alex Morgan

The USWNT team “mega-hottie” is Alex Morgan. A few years ago it would not be necessary to note that “Alex” is a girl. But times have changed…. DUH! Alex is a “very pretty girl” who was body-painted a few years ago in that same magazine that Andy Benoit is maybe still employed by at least for now.   Maybe “body painting” their uniforms would decrease the “watching worth” of women’s sports at least for those who look like Alex Morgan ….. !!!!   Yes Albert, that is PAINT not a bikini she is wearing!

Despite the androgenisity of “Alex” she IS “a she” and is married to a member of the USNMST, I think.  I know he (Alex’s husband) plays soccer but is not David Beckham or Pele so 98% of you would not recognize his name even if I knew it.

I hope controversial SI writer Andy Benoit is NOT fired or hung from a flagpole outside the South Carolina capitol building or keelhauled for his egregiously AWFUL tweet. But I won’t be surprised if he is …… Will you?


Yesterday I had breakfast with a very fine gentleman named Art Musselman – former assistant to Norm Sloan during “The Thompson Era”.  Cowdog was the invaluable go-between that set it up. We three had us a grand time swapping (mostly true) stories. Art was not aware of my Internet Legend status because he is….. “just learning how to email and that’s about it on the computer”.   Old Luddites abound in my world.

Art had never heard of Bob Kennel or Marvin Austin either; so we never got around to “what Sports Illustrated writer Andy Benoit tweeted”.  Maybe we will next time.  Cowdog and I did learn that David Thompson’s parents never spent a night in Raleigh when “Skywalker” was playing for The Pack.   They always drove back home to Shelby after each game.

I have checked. “Andy Benoit shall tweet….” IS noted in both Revelation and by Nostradamus as a Sign of The End of Days. Buy green bananas at your own risk.


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