Andy Benoit (who?) Tweeted and… KABOOM!

Brandy Chastain USA Soccer
BobLee
June24/ 2015

Rafters rattled in Rapid City. Swallows swallowed in Capistrano. Lions laid down with lambs in Louisville. Sports Illustrated writer Andy Benoit tweeted that “Women sports are not worth watching”.Andy Benoit

“At least 80,000, maybe as many as 100,000” totally offended fellow humans promptly pounded their plowshares into cyber swords and lit Twitter torches in demonstration of their unadulterated outrage at Sports Illustrated writer Andy Benoit.

Everyone surnamed “Benoit” immediately petitioned to change their surname ASAP.  Can you blame’em?

People who “knew Andy growing up” are being interviewed by CNN and NYTimes.

“He (Andy) was a quiet boy…. never caused no trouble as I recall.  Andy just wanted to grow up to “be Art Chansky”.  Uh Oh!  I guess you never know whats in a man’s heart until he “tweets”….. going off to NEW YORK CITY is probably what caused all this”.

carrie_nation“As many as 93%” of those goggle-eyed, spittle-spewin knee-jerking offendees have never read a Sports Illustrated either on-line or on-newsstand. They think “SI” is a once-a-year Swimsuit Issue that still causes librarians across Middle America to play Carrie A. Nation campaigning against “filth” taking over sports.

94.6% of “you people” have no idea who Carrie A. Nation is.  She was the Original “Ol Battle-ax”.

…. I aCheryl Tiegs SIm very close to totally losing the incredibly important point I was trying to make here….. Oh yeah. SI writer Andy Benoit tweeted that “Women sports are not worth watching.”  The blowback has been Tsunamic.

…..  Sports Illustrated writers used to be a significant part of American sports way-back when Sports Illustrated The Magazine was a significant part of American sports…. When Cheryl Tiegs wore that fishnet thingy and Kathy Ireland and Christy Brinkley helped most of today’s 40-ish year old men thru pubeDA0432rty.

… With due respect to Cheryl, Kathy, Christie et al, those of us north of 50 relied upon Ann-Margret, Joey Heatherton and Shelly Fabares to accompany us on that rite of pubescent passage. If you still think of Joey whenever you see a Serta mattress you know of what I speak.

If you’ve never played “Ginger or Mary Ann” you and I probably don’t have much else in common.  I am/was/will always be “a Mary Ann” kinda guy.

…. If UNC Sports is now measured Before/After Marvin hit Send, then Life for many of us is measured Before/AftUrsula Andresser Ursula Andress emerged from the surf in Dr No.   I personally consider Honor (Ms Galore) Blackman in Goldfinger’s hayloft more memorable, I’m likely in the minority.  I’m getting used to being “in the minority”.

To whit, I will add the key three word phrase phrase that Andy Benoit might added to his most horrid tweet: “in my opinion”. “In my opinion” that MIGHT have reduced the National OutRage At Andy to a mere national rumble but probably not.

I note all these gratuitous mention of sex objects of the feminine persuasion to remind you’ans that Andy Benoit’s employer has a long history of rather profound objectification of “women”.   The irony of Horrible Chauvinist Tweeter Andy Benoit working for Sports “Swimsuit” Illustrated is simply off the charts.

Had Andy Benoit prefaced his HORRIFIC TWEET with “in my opinion” it probably would not have mattered. This is 2015.  OUTRAGED and OFFENDED is what “it’s all about” at least in the Western Hemisphere.

It wasn’t like Andy Benoit was wearing Confederate flag boxer shorts and whistling Dixie when he tweeted. If he was, I haven’t seen it in the dozen or so columns I’ve read about America Demands The Severed Head of Andy Benoit.

If Andy Who from SI could become a Most Hated Tweeter with six words, imagine if Stephen A or Skip or Colin or Mike or Mike tweeted something that GAWD AWFUL ??

My favorite sport is Baseball.   Board monkeys and urban blacks think baseball “is not worth watching”.   It would never occur to me to BE OFFENDED by their opinions….. about anything.

If Andy Benoit worked for John “Big Bossman” Skipper (UNC’75) at ESPN – The World-wide Leader in Political Correctness; he (Andy) would have been castrated, boiled-in-oil and Bravehearted by now.  Maybe even keelhauled.

What Skipper (UNC’75) did to Bill Simmons would be nuthin’ compared to the mincemeat Big Bossman Skipper (UNC’75) would make of a chauvinist pig like Andy Benoit. Yo, Beadle, get the wood chipper.   Benoit is the journo/media-equivalent of Floyd Mayweather !!!

“Keelhauling” is one of those punishments that needs to be revised. Google it if you have no clue what it involved.  Pirates did it a lot.

My point, if “a point” is a must, is that what Andy Benoit tweeted is not significant at all. The firestorm response to Andy Benoit’s tweet is The Point….. at least it is to me.

As I followed the bloody trail of the Tsunamic Backlash to Andy’s tweet, I could not help but wonder if my incredibly profound all-time all-time simile about “girls basketball” would be dredged up.

“Watching girls basketball is about as exciting as watching boys try to knit.”

It hasn’t been mentioned yet, until now. You think I should tweet it to Andy Benoit at SI?

Andy’s abbreviated 6-word tweet also did NOT mention:

How Come Ol’ Roy IS Rewarded for “not knowing what went on in his program” while that other UNC BB coach – Sylvia Hatchell – awaits her ignominious fate unrewarded and unloved for EXACTLY the same professed naïveté.  How come ‘dat, UNC BOT?

I suspect Andy was moved to tweet what he tweeted because The Planet is now supposedly transfixed on The USNWST team. The US has a USNMST too but until one of the M rips off his jersey and show the world his sports bra ala Brandi Chastain in 1999 in Pasadena, M soccer will remain in the shadowy depths of our sports buffet. ….. NOTE: USNWST stands for United States National Womens Soccer Team for anyone who cares.   There is no USNTST (T for Transgender) yet…. but just you wait.

If you dare to “not care profoundly about women sports” Hope Solo is going to show up on your front door, kick the door in, butcher all your pets and carve Helter Skelter above your fireplace with a machete.  Am I the only one who thinks Hope Solo (no kin to Napoleon Solo or Han) carries a straight razor in her sock?   If you were casting a chickified version of Walking Tall who would you cast as Buford Jo PusserHope Solo or Ronda Rousey?

For the handful of you not totally absorbed by the USNWST, the “Mia Hamm” of this team is a lesbian gal named Amy Wambaugh. Mia (a/k/a Mrs Garciaparra) was not / is not “a lesbian” but Amy very proudly is.  Its 2015, is there any kind of lesbian other than “a very proud to be” one? ….. Unlike NWBA very tall she-person in dreadlocks – Brittany Griner – Amy Wambaugh has never been married for three weeks to a pregnant not-a-lesbian-anymore named Glory.Alex Morgan

The USWNT team “mega-hottie” is Alex Morgan. A few years ago it would not be necessary to note that “Alex” is a girl. But times have changed…. DUH! Alex is a “very pretty girl” who was body-painted a few years ago in that same magazine that Andy Benoit is maybe still employed by at least for now.   Maybe “body painting” their uniforms would decrease the “watching worth” of women’s sports at least for those who look like Alex Morgan ….. !!!!   Yes Albert, that is PAINT not a bikini she is wearing!

Despite the androgenisity of “Alex” she IS “a she” and is married to a member of the USNMST, I think.  I know he (Alex’s husband) plays soccer but is not David Beckham or Pele so 98% of you would not recognize his name even if I knew it.

I hope controversial SI writer Andy Benoit is NOT fired or hung from a flagpole outside the South Carolina capitol building or keelhauled for his egregiously AWFUL tweet. But I won’t be surprised if he is …… Will you?

###

Yesterday I had breakfast with a very fine gentleman named Art Musselman – former assistant to Norm Sloan during “The Thompson Era”.  Cowdog was the invaluable go-between that set it up. We three had us a grand time swapping (mostly true) stories. Art was not aware of my Internet Legend status because he is….. “just learning how to email and that’s about it on the computer”.   Old Luddites abound in my world.

Art had never heard of Bob Kennel or Marvin Austin either; so we never got around to “what Sports Illustrated writer Andy Benoit tweeted”.  Maybe we will next time.  Cowdog and I did learn that David Thompson’s parents never spent a night in Raleigh when “Skywalker” was playing for The Pack.   They always drove back home to Shelby after each game.

I have checked. “Andy Benoit shall tweet….” IS noted in both Revelation and by Nostradamus as a Sign of The End of Days. Buy green bananas at your own risk.

###

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Doug
Doug
5 years ago

Any objections to Tuesday Weld? Reminds me of a few PDEW’s. Just add Shalamar.

fayettewuf
fayettewuf
5 years ago

With the plethora of pictures of attractive women adorning each piece now, I am wondering, are you working up to cyber-fold out or a swimsuit issue? Not complaining, just curious as to how closely I need to look for future offering:-)

BTW I always considered Joey Heatherton a poor man’s Tuesday Weld.

thailand
thailand
5 years ago

Retraction or redaction 🙂

Oops in the Forest Gump piece……Of course, Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey O., not JFK that Sunday morning…..  🙂

thailand
thailand
5 years ago

 

Oh, I told Dottie to give sister Nancy your regards.

🙂

 

thailand
thailand
5 years ago

  “Both Art and Cowdog swore “they were there” when David fell out of the ceiling in Reynolds. I believe them.”   Well, I’ll jump in on that line…..so was I– under the Longines clock I think……While we’re at it, “almost” left with friends to Woodstock in ’69, watched Ruby shoot JFK live a few feet from my black and white Sylvania screen that November Sunday morning while my family was at church, the same TV and square of linoleum where I stood when Tommy Kerns tossed the ball high into the rafters in victory at the buzzer in the… Read more »

thailand
thailand
5 years ago

  Recently have been communicating with a new reader of yours, a former teammate of mine who now lives in retirement along a sandy beach in California……Words like “schadenfreude” and “hagiography” are in his emails (of course in reference to the Great Unpleasantness)….My 6′ 9″ erudite friend who was a design student at State his freshman year  writes well…..You both keep me Googling……Art and I are both a bit sketchy with technology…..Both “Luddites”    🙂 Wish I could join you guys sometimes…..Haven’t had grits and eggs in a long time….hot buttermilk biscuits with real butter and blackberry jam……Does Art still have… Read more »

Robedixon
Robedixon
5 years ago

I sure you penned a great column on this topic, but I never got past the mattress with Joey picture.  Sorry.

BabsInDerm
BabsInDerm
5 years ago

Good column.  Next to a poster of Cheryl in a guy’s Granville Towers room was Farrah.  Can’t forget Farrah.

TheCowdog
TheCowdog
5 years ago

Speaking of DT.

There was something else. You actually broke fast with 2 bonifides in the arena the day Skywalker crashed, died, went to the great beyond, and arose before 8:00 left in the 2nd half.

Gosh, what a crowd. Must have been 250K packed into Reynolds.

My daughter sends her best to Bill, down there in the comments. She says on a typical Saturday, her European pro softball team out-draws the Mudcats, hands down.

😉

TarHeelInTexas
TarHeelInTexas
5 years ago

BL, your point about Roy and Sylvia both pleading The Sgt Schultz – “I knew NUTHING” ….. and Roy gets a pass AND a raise and extension…. while Sylvia gets fitted for an orange jumpsuit.   Are you and I the only ones who see the TOTAL BS Hypocrisy in that?

Momo
Momo
5 years ago

With apologies to the play-by-play call of the Hindenburg disaster, “..OHH,THE HYPERBOLE…..!!” Thank you for the forum, BL.

NCSU68Grad
NCSU68Grad
5 years ago

If you are correct about the Confederate Flag shorts….then I have a siting.  NO KIDDING….this is the real deal.  On Tuesday, I went down to the beach at our TS in Myrtle.  It was around 8:00.  We are at the end of Ocean Blvd….close to the pier. Two young lads (circa 18 – 25) were dressed in Confederate Swim Suits….with black legs halfway down their thighs…(think JV Unitards with legs).  They had on Cowboy hats.  They had on Richard Petty (or Kyle Busch) Oakley’s.  They had on Cowboy Boots with RED (egad….they must be USC fans) Socks up their calves.… Read more »

TheCowdog
TheCowdog
5 years ago

Hmmm…Methinks Andy has been watching volleyball from all the wrong angles.

 

Bill
Bill
5 years ago

Is this the “lady” to whom you refer?

Bill
Bill
5 years ago

You mean that old fishwrap, Sports Illustrated is still being published?  I quit reading it in the 1970s shortly after its 17th article about Jamaican bobsledding. And women are being paid to play athletic games?  Why?  Who pays their salaries?  Surely the gates from their events don’t cover what they are paid, even if their compensation is proportionate to their entertainment value.  Roller Derby was the only women’s “sport” that ever seemed to me to be worth the (low) price of admission.  And I thought it died in the 1970s, too.   Of course, like you, I’m also about done… Read more »

Doug
Doug
5 years ago

Brilliant piece. Yes, Ann-Margret, Joey Heatherton and Shelly Fabares accompanied many of us on that sacred journey. Ms. P Galore & Ursula Andress in particular kicked it up another notch for me. Those anonymous lovelies in the Sears Roebuck catalog also came in handy (pun intended) too. It was also safer because you could always claim you were looking at J.C. Higgins shotguns. Today kids caught looking at shotguns can get you on government watch lists. Women’s soccer, men’s soccer. It’s unwatchable either way. World Cup included. BTW, I have a childhood friend who’s an assistant on Sylvia’s Lady Tar… Read more »

TerryG
TerryG
5 years ago

When I saw that headline yesterday about SI Writer Tweets …. I KNEW it would be a belt-high fastball for you.

Momo
Momo
5 years ago

Given the option of owning 2 Maybachs and a G-550, or getting your notorious pal to shut up, I would choose the latter…and I’m a conservative.

JerryF
JerryF
5 years ago

If that SI writer HAD been “wearing Confederate Flag boxer shorts”, NO QUESTION he would been gunned down in the streets and left for the buzzards.   Not to mention incurring the everlasting wrath of Pat McCrory.

PeteInRoanoke
PeteInRoanoke
5 years ago

A suggestion BobLee…. if you insist on posting columns like the last 2-3, won’t it be easier to note the ones that are NOT “Classics”?  These last two are first-ballot Classics For Sure.

Frank Linstreet
Frank Linstreet
5 years ago

So BL, will you get more reader comments about Joey Heatherton or that gratuitous mention of “Skywalker” at the end?

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