So, Is It Spieth or Speith?

BobLee
June22/ 2015

I’ve never watched LIVE golf at 11:00 at night. Have you? I’ve never watched LIVE golf at anytime being played…. on a post-apocalyptic Romanian strip mine where the only thing “green” was Greg Norman’s tie.

For those of you looking for BobLee Goes Ballistic Over Roy’s New Contract…. Here’s the link to that….. THE LINK TO THAT.

For those of you who have already read “That”, here’s my after-thoughts after The US Open which are note-worthy for NOT mentioning anything about anything going on in Chapel Hill.

Let me be clear…. I really like Jordan Spieth A LOT.   I really like any pro athlete who (1) knows who his father is AND (2) said “known father” is NOT doing 20-to-life on Ricker’s Island.  That limits Pro Athletes I Like A Lot to Mike Trout – Steph Curry – Guys Named Manning – Philip Rivers – and Jordan Spieth.  Call me old-fashioned.   If they are actually married to their baby mammas, I like that too.

I really really hope that 35 years from now Jordan Spieth does not decide to become Judy Spieth…. or Steph Curry becomes Stephanie Curry.  Don’t you?  Ya never know.

I’m not going to blast The U.S.G.A for choosing to have the 115th US Open on a post-apocalyptic moonscape / abandoned strip mine that I think was actually in Romania, not in The Great Northwest. All of “the world’s greatest golfers” had to play the same course wherever it was so it was a fair competition in that sense.

All of you, and you know who you are, who hate pro golfers because they get to play perfectly manicured layouts while you have to play muni michael-okeefe-caddyshack-autographed-bushwood-country-club-golf-pin-flag-3370768goat tracks that make Bushwood seems “lush”, you probably loved it. (NOTE to Albert: “Bushwood” was the country club in Caddyshack which is the 4th most quoted movie ever after Godfather, Animal House and Lonesome Dove.)

Blondie and I watched pretty much all of Sunday’s round. I had watched bits & pieces of Thurs-Fri-Sat rounds. After all that watching I am convinced, despite the blimp / drone overhead shots, there were only just three, maybe four, holes on Chambers Bay; not the usual 18. All three / four were next to the railroad track used to carry the Romanian miners to wherever Romanian miners go.

The Lake / Bay / Pond / Water next to the railroad tracks next to the 3-4 holes was pretty. I’m guessing that was why Robert Trent Jones laid out the 3-4 hole course where he did.  …. Having “Judge Smails” Yacht out on Puget Sound was a nice touch…. (another clever Caddyshack reference)

If you didn’t bother to watch (and I bet many of you did NOT since neither Russell Wilson, Philip Rivers nor Carlos Rodan were playing) you think I was kidding about “nothing green except Greg Norman’s tie”. I’m not kidding. There were no “greens” on this whatever it was.  It looked like a carnivore’s picnic.

As a kid did you and your buddies ever build a golf hole in a vacant lot (or cow pasture) and you just mowed the grass really low, buried a soup can in the ground, stuck a broomstick in the soup can, tied one of your dad’s handkerchiefs on the broomstick and pretended it was #18 at Augusta? If some Romanian kids did that at an abandoned strip mine next to a railroad track next to The Adriatic that would be Chamber’s Bay.

This makes two US Opens in a row played at places with “no green grass”. Last year at Pinehurst #2 there was no green grass either….. also no water….. and no railroad tracks. Quick…. do you remember who won last year at Pinehurst. Don’t feel bad. Martin Kaymer’s parents don’t recall either.

Holly-VideoWhat this year’s “major” at Chamber’s Bay had that Pinehurst did not….. and I GUARANTEE you Augusta will NEVER HAVE…. was “a Hooter’s Girl named Holly (Somers)” interviewing the players. I mean REALLY ……

I figure that was a well-thought out decision by FoxSports so Paulina Gretzky Johnson would not be THE skankiest bimbo at the abandoned Romanian strip mine. Really “Holly The Hooters Girl” (HTHG) was soooo skanky the USGA had a doctor giving golfers penicillin shots before they went on camera with her.

Killer Zinger Alert! She was “so skanky that….. Rashad McCants probably wouldn’t date her.” Whoa.

On Saturday they (FoxSports) put HTHG in a tight little red tee-shirt and shorty short shorts and had her stand so “her assets” were well-displayed. Think “week-end weather girl at a really really small market TV station”. Apparently they got a few OMG emails from librarians in Iowa so Sunday they dressed HTHG in a one size larger tee-shirt and culottes.

It being a golf event, I’da used Lacey Underalls instead of Holly, but no one asked me.   (yet another clever Caddyshack reference!)

Remember Jenn Sterger the FloridaState “Cowgirl” / Brett Favre bimbo?  That be Holly’s twin.

Holly stood in front of a “touch-screen” and asked penetrating questions about “How do you like being here in Romania?” and “Have you ever actually ridden on a choo-choo train?”

Holly saved her “best” for last. “Golf’s Greatest Player In Years Ending in 15” Jordan Spieth won in a pretty incredible fashion avoiding a Monday playoff when Skanky Paulina’s cocaine-addicted husband (did they ever actually get married?) missed a putt shorter than a pair of Holly’s Daisy Dukes. So Holly asked Jordan “If you had had to come back tomorrow for a play-off did you bring enough outfits to wear?” …. I am NOT making that up.

Holly had already dispatched a FoxSports intern to a Romanian Wal-Mart to pick out her “Monday Play-off outfit”.  Something skimpy in day-glo spandex…..

Like I said…. ain’t no danger of Holly ever setting her stillettoed footsie on Augusta.  At least Fox did not have Katy Nolan asking caddies if anyone had “a tray of Oreos”.  …. and our little buddy Kristin Balboni (from Pinecrest High / UNC J-School) was NOT involved.

Despite all of the above….. the pure sports drama was off-the-charts.

This was the very first Major Golf Event that FoxSports has ever attempted. If you watched, you probably figured that out early on.

Do you think that “follow the ball tracking thingy” will be as big a hit in sports TV as “the glowing hockey puck” was? The What? That’s my point.

If you ever wondered whatever happened to Greg Norman, Brad Faxon and Cory Pavin …… now you know. FoxSports even found a token “big black guy” to stick on “the desk” at the end. He did not have a shaved head or wear a gangsta suit so I don’t think he was a “former NFL linebacker”. With Tiger long gone….. (how long a flight was it from Romania back to Jupiter Florida?) FoxSports needed the Affirmative Action points to avoid….. well, you know.

The series of events in the final 45 minutes were pretty amazing. Golf balls were rolling every which away across the abandoned Romanian strip mine….. trains were hurtling by every five minutes….. and Holly was desperately trying to learn to pronounce Spieth without giggling too much.

Jordan when you were growing up how long did it take you to learn it is “i before e in Spieth and not Speith? …… “Where is your cute girlfriend from The Masters”….. and “Have you ever actually met Rashad McCants?”

Somewhere Roone Arledge, Frank Chirkinian and Gary McCord were making motorboat sounds in their Knob Creek and wondering whatever happened to Heywood Hale Broun.

###

IF you forward this column to three friends, the World WILL “be a better place”!

BobLee

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Jon Sasser
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Jon Sasser

I had always thought that the only thing more boring than watching golf on TV was watching somebody play cards.  Then they  started televising that.  Please do not tell me there is a chess channel.   NASCAR is always preferable because there is little chance that Rory or Webb are going to run into each other, flip over, and catch on fire.  Well, Sunday night sure changed that.  Fox Sports must have hired some consultants from Jim Crockett Promotions.  Maybe the PGA can set fire to courses a week or so before events, and Fox can distribute air horns to fans… Read more »

JDanWuff
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JDanWuff

That was a very interesting tournament.  I guess Billy Horschel didn’t relay like the course all that much. Probably slipped his mind that the other players were playing on the exact same course.  The USGA was probably fraught with worry over Gator Boy having a lower opinion of them because of their selection of Chambers Bay. Rashad wouldn’t go out with Holly. Wow.  I sure hope that one went straight to the Archives HOF!  Brutal, but true and funny as h$ll! the used to be a little nine hole course just off highway 70 in Clayton that looked a lot… Read more »

Doug
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Doug

Re:Gary McCord, Shane Ryan wrote an articled entitled “How Augusta National Became North Korea.” Interesting read.

Re:Holly….The 1957 Buick Special had a better front end.

PrinceAlbert
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PrinceAlbert

Once again you are correct.  I had no idea where “BUSHWOOD” came from.  However, I finally got around to watching the first GODFATHER segment and I have watched LONESOME DOVE….MY ALL TIME FAVORITE…..at least six or seven times.  My good friend Ray Hildebrand (“HAY PAULA” FAME) told me that they used that song in the movie Caddyshack.  I should watch it just because of that.  Maybe one day before 2015 ends?  Now about Holly?  DISGUSTING!!!!!!!

Bill
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Bill

I have always preferred golf to any other sport, although until TGU, UNC athletics were a very close second.  In fact, they might have been tied with golf during the years that Tiger dominated the golf scene.  So I watched the Open with a great deal of interest. There were some great story lines coming into the weekend.  Certainly, Jordan Spieth’s run at the grand slam was one of them.  However, if Jason Day had prevailed, his overcoming physical adversity would have ranked right up there with Ken Venturi’s Open victory when he had to overcome heat exhaustion.  D. Johnson’s… Read more »

DaJudge
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DaJudge

I’m so glad I can laugh until I tear up in the privacy of my home.  Just a terribly politically incorrect column but……..oh, so many truths.

NCSU68Grad
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NCSU68Grad

Totally agree with the prior posters.  This is a great column.  Watched a bit of it last night at the bar area of the pool (after 5:00 as it was HOT in MB….and not many folks in the salt water….JAWS syndrome).  Guys watching her and hitting Jimmy Buffett’s classic blend. Also picked up some wings for a concert on Friday night in Cary and was watching the playing when the golfer went down with Vertigo.  ESPN would not have had as many cameras on ORW when he has one of his “spells”.  Then, they kept a camera in his face… Read more »

OldSchoolSpeller
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OldSchoolSpeller

BobLee, back in the day (early 1960’s) when I was in elementary school; well before common core was a wet spot dream of some liberal, we learned things.  That included spelling.  The applicable rule here is: “I before e except after c, or when the word sounds like “a”, as in “neighbor” and “weigh”.

 

ydnase49
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ydnase49

Rules are made to be broken 😉 especially with names.

(Beat Pomeranz)

JayInJersey
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JayInJersey

I actually remember Heywood Hale Broun AND I know the story of Katy Nolan and “a tray of Oreos”.  Awesome Column Dude.

Doug
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Doug

You get extra credit for this one. Bushwoods and Al Czervik agree. I’ve seen better goat tracks in Willacoochee, Georgia and rarely witnessed so many “hey I can do that too” shots made by pros. You nailed the bimbo. Oh, excuse me I didn’t mean it like THAT. The FOX broadcast was a departure from what we’ve come to expect in golf viewing but that’s not a bad thing. Jim Nance whispering about Augusta National in hushed reverential tones gets old pretty quick.

 

Frank Linstreet
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Frank Linstreet

It occurred to me as I, and yes I did, “watched Holly” suppose she had interviewed Tiger.  Would Fox have needed a fire hose to separate the two of’em?   And the Jenn Sterger comparison is Dead Solid Perfect!

JudyInAtlanta
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JudyInAtlanta

Just go ahead and post this one in The Classics.  My hubby and I were watching and thinking all the points you mentioned but not nearly so colorfully.

58 wolf kennel
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58 wolf kennel

This column is BobLee at his very best. I watched as well, and you have nailed every salient point about the Open. All the way through I was hoping to finally get to an ending that justified getting all the brown our of my eyes and the worship of Joyce Kilmer’s “TREE”. But the drama at the end made it all worthwhile. Who of us have not stood over a 12 foot putt, then a 3 foot putt, then pulled it across a known bumpy “green” to be fully disappointed, and embarrassed. Speith is worthy because he had to birdie that… Read more »