So, Is It Spieth or Speith?

June22/ 2015

I’ve never watched LIVE golf at 11:00 at night. Have you? I’ve never watched LIVE golf at anytime being played…. on a post-apocalyptic Romanian strip mine where the only thing “green” was Greg Norman’s tie.

For those of you looking for BobLee Goes Ballistic Over Roy’s New Contract…. Here’s the link to that….. THE LINK TO THAT.

For those of you who have already read “That”, here’s my after-thoughts after The US Open which are note-worthy for NOT mentioning anything about anything going on in Chapel Hill.

Let me be clear…. I really like Jordan Spieth A LOT.   I really like any pro athlete who (1) knows who his father is AND (2) said “known father” is NOT doing 20-to-life on Ricker’s Island.  That limits Pro Athletes I Like A Lot to Mike Trout – Steph Curry – Guys Named Manning – Philip Rivers – and Jordan Spieth.  Call me old-fashioned.   If they are actually married to their baby mammas, I like that too.

I really really hope that 35 years from now Jordan Spieth does not decide to become Judy Spieth…. or Steph Curry becomes Stephanie Curry.  Don’t you?  Ya never know.

I’m not going to blast The U.S.G.A for choosing to have the 115th US Open on a post-apocalyptic moonscape / abandoned strip mine that I think was actually in Romania, not in The Great Northwest. All of “the world’s greatest golfers” had to play the same course wherever it was so it was a fair competition in that sense.

All of you, and you know who you are, who hate pro golfers because they get to play perfectly manicured layouts while you have to play muni michael-okeefe-caddyshack-autographed-bushwood-country-club-golf-pin-flag-3370768goat tracks that make Bushwood seems “lush”, you probably loved it. (NOTE to Albert: “Bushwood” was the country club in Caddyshack which is the 4th most quoted movie ever after Godfather, Animal House and Lonesome Dove.)

Blondie and I watched pretty much all of Sunday’s round. I had watched bits & pieces of Thurs-Fri-Sat rounds. After all that watching I am convinced, despite the blimp / drone overhead shots, there were only just three, maybe four, holes on Chambers Bay; not the usual 18. All three / four were next to the railroad track used to carry the Romanian miners to wherever Romanian miners go.

The Lake / Bay / Pond / Water next to the railroad tracks next to the 3-4 holes was pretty. I’m guessing that was why Robert Trent Jones laid out the 3-4 hole course where he did.  …. Having “Judge Smails” Yacht out on Puget Sound was a nice touch…. (another clever Caddyshack reference)

If you didn’t bother to watch (and I bet many of you did NOT since neither Russell Wilson, Philip Rivers nor Carlos Rodan were playing) you think I was kidding about “nothing green except Greg Norman’s tie”. I’m not kidding. There were no “greens” on this whatever it was.  It looked like a carnivore’s picnic.

As a kid did you and your buddies ever build a golf hole in a vacant lot (or cow pasture) and you just mowed the grass really low, buried a soup can in the ground, stuck a broomstick in the soup can, tied one of your dad’s handkerchiefs on the broomstick and pretended it was #18 at Augusta? If some Romanian kids did that at an abandoned strip mine next to a railroad track next to The Adriatic that would be Chamber’s Bay.

This makes two US Opens in a row played at places with “no green grass”. Last year at Pinehurst #2 there was no green grass either….. also no water….. and no railroad tracks. Quick…. do you remember who won last year at Pinehurst. Don’t feel bad. Martin Kaymer’s parents don’t recall either.

Holly-VideoWhat this year’s “major” at Chamber’s Bay had that Pinehurst did not….. and I GUARANTEE you Augusta will NEVER HAVE…. was “a Hooter’s Girl named Holly (Somers)” interviewing the players. I mean REALLY ……

I figure that was a well-thought out decision by FoxSports so Paulina Gretzky Johnson would not be THE skankiest bimbo at the abandoned Romanian strip mine. Really “Holly The Hooters Girl” (HTHG) was soooo skanky the USGA had a doctor giving golfers penicillin shots before they went on camera with her.

Killer Zinger Alert! She was “so skanky that….. Rashad McCants probably wouldn’t date her.” Whoa.

On Saturday they (FoxSports) put HTHG in a tight little red tee-shirt and shorty short shorts and had her stand so “her assets” were well-displayed. Think “week-end weather girl at a really really small market TV station”. Apparently they got a few OMG emails from librarians in Iowa so Sunday they dressed HTHG in a one size larger tee-shirt and culottes.

It being a golf event, I’da used Lacey Underalls instead of Holly, but no one asked me.   (yet another clever Caddyshack reference!)

Remember Jenn Sterger the FloridaState “Cowgirl” / Brett Favre bimbo?  That be Holly’s twin.

Holly stood in front of a “touch-screen” and asked penetrating questions about “How do you like being here in Romania?” and “Have you ever actually ridden on a choo-choo train?”

Holly saved her “best” for last. “Golf’s Greatest Player In Years Ending in 15” Jordan Spieth won in a pretty incredible fashion avoiding a Monday playoff when Skanky Paulina’s cocaine-addicted husband (did they ever actually get married?) missed a putt shorter than a pair of Holly’s Daisy Dukes. So Holly asked Jordan “If you had had to come back tomorrow for a play-off did you bring enough outfits to wear?” …. I am NOT making that up.

Holly had already dispatched a FoxSports intern to a Romanian Wal-Mart to pick out her “Monday Play-off outfit”.  Something skimpy in day-glo spandex…..

Like I said…. ain’t no danger of Holly ever setting her stillettoed footsie on Augusta.  At least Fox did not have Katy Nolan asking caddies if anyone had “a tray of Oreos”.  …. and our little buddy Kristin Balboni (from Pinecrest High / UNC J-School) was NOT involved.

Despite all of the above….. the pure sports drama was off-the-charts.

This was the very first Major Golf Event that FoxSports has ever attempted. If you watched, you probably figured that out early on.

Do you think that “follow the ball tracking thingy” will be as big a hit in sports TV as “the glowing hockey puck” was? The What? That’s my point.

If you ever wondered whatever happened to Greg Norman, Brad Faxon and Cory Pavin …… now you know. FoxSports even found a token “big black guy” to stick on “the desk” at the end. He did not have a shaved head or wear a gangsta suit so I don’t think he was a “former NFL linebacker”. With Tiger long gone….. (how long a flight was it from Romania back to Jupiter Florida?) FoxSports needed the Affirmative Action points to avoid….. well, you know.

The series of events in the final 45 minutes were pretty amazing. Golf balls were rolling every which away across the abandoned Romanian strip mine….. trains were hurtling by every five minutes….. and Holly was desperately trying to learn to pronounce Spieth without giggling too much.

Jordan when you were growing up how long did it take you to learn it is “i before e in Spieth and not Speith? …… “Where is your cute girlfriend from The Masters”….. and “Have you ever actually met Rashad McCants?”

Somewhere Roone Arledge, Frank Chirkinian and Gary McCord were making motorboat sounds in their Knob Creek and wondering whatever happened to Heywood Hale Broun.


IF you forward this column to three friends, the World WILL “be a better place”!

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