Say It Ain’t So Tom Brady

Tom Brady
May09/ 2015

Paraphrasing one of sports’ classic quotes from the 1919 “Black Sox” Scandal.  A small boy asks his hero, Chicago star “Shoeless Joe” Jackson, for reassurance that he did not cheat.   FWIW, there is compelling evidence that, indeed, “Shoeless Joe” did NOT cheat….  90 years from now will “Tom Terrific” Brady be so vindicated?

Employing yet another legendary baseball phrase – “You Know Me, Al” – most of you “know me” so my take on Deflate-gate likely will not shock you.

(1)  I hate sticking the suffix “-gate” on every scandal …… almost as much as I hate sports teams being honored at The White House giving the sitting POTUS a jersey with his name on it.   Look up “Trite” or “Lame” in Webster’s.  There a pic of a dorky POTUS holding up his ceremonial jersey.   I’ll vote for whichever aspirant promises to not do that…. so long as it isn’t Bozo Joe or the Hilly-beast of course.

OK, thereYou Know Me Al is no (2) to that (1) but I also hate NBA teams dressing out their lower levels in the same color t-shirts as a playoff game “spirit” promotion.   It was OK the first thirty times back when Red Auerbach was lighting victory cigars but STOP IT now.

“You Know Me, Al” was an epistolary book written by legendary sportswriter Ring Lardner in 1916 about the misadventures of an itinerant minor leaguer named Jack Keefe.  Only CNR or Kennel might have ever heard of it and even they don’t know what “epistolary” means.  I digress…..


I have never “hated” Tom Brady for being (1) matinee idol handsome, (2) mega-rich, (3) married to a supermodel,  (4) winning umpteen Super Bowls, or (5) being the baby daddy to Blue Bloods beauty Bridget Moynahan’s baby (just before he met Gisele).


Prince Albert has no clue who Bridget or Gisele are.   How many mouth-breathing board monkeys do you think can correctly spell either Gisele or Bundchen?   Can Matt Doherty or Matt Daugherty spell Bundchen correctly…. or Moynahan?

Do I think Tom Brady “knew” about the deflations? 
Yes, I do.   But, hey, I also think “Dickie knew” about Deborah & Burgess’ scheme and Dickie never got suspended for it.  Will UNC name a study hall for Tom Brady.?

Is it necessary to have “a rule” about ball inflation specs?
Absolutely.  UNLESS such a rule offends one pathetic college student somewhere in America, then NO.

Would Patriot fans think such a rule was necessary if this was about Peyton Manning?
Absolutely.  …..Or about Russell Wilson?  Absolutely.

Would Russell think it was a serious violation if this was about fellow Wuffie “Philip”?
Now THAT starts to get into gray areas.

Does the lop-sided outcome of the play-off game have any bearing on the violation?
Absolutely NOT.  Do you know the outcome of George Brett’s “pine tar” game?

Are Jets fans “happy” about all his?
“Happy” is not in a Jets’ fan’s emotional repertoir.  The last time Jets fans were “happy” was in the Sherman Plunkett Era.

Does Bill Belichek wearing a stoopid hoodie and a permanent scowl on the sideline play into fans’ outrage about this?
Without a doubt.   Universal Belichek-hate permeates every sports controversy.

Would this be more better if Jerry Jones owned the Patriots instead of Bob Kraft? 
Yes and even betterer if Al Davis was still alive and owned the Patriots.

If this is made into a movie, will Erin Andrews play Gisele? 
No, Secretariat will play Gisele.  Secretariat has both “the legs” and “the face” for the role.

How many Chinese are following this scandal? 
Our man in Tiananmen Square has it at “at least 80,000”.    (That one is for you Kennel….. ☺ )

If Roger Goodell orders Tom Brady to spend the month of September in an elevator with Ray Rice will at least one person other than a blood relative like Roger Goodell just a little?
No and not even other Goodells like Roger.   Even Bud Selig dislikes Roger Goodell.

Who is “more reviled” Roger Goodell or NCAA doofus Mark Emmert?
I’d vote for Emmert as “more reviled”.   Roger at least has a firm jaw.  Emmert has no redeeming features or “a spine”.

Is there any way to connect dots to link Deflate-gate to The Great Unpleasantness?
A special PPride ad hoc committee had those dots connected months ago.   They’ve also connected TGU to “the kidnapping of Charles Lindbergh’s baby”, the Hindenberg disaster and the filming of the movies Ishtar and Rocky XXVIII.

Does Tom Brady’s mansion having a moat affect public opinion of all this?Tom Brady mansion
Only for those who actually know what “a moat” is.

Why do most pathetic cross-eyed mouth-breathing sports fans revel when handsome, rich, successful athletes get caught doing stoopid illegal crap?
Imagine going thru your life being pathetic, cross-eyed and breathing thru your mouth and you’ll begin to understand “those people”.

“They say” America loves to give “second chances”.
Will America give Tom Brady a second chance? 

Only if he (1) becomes black, (2) kills a cop, (3) converts to Muslim and (4) changes his name to Tom Clinton.

If Tom Brady just gets a wrist slap, should Mark McGwire get into Cooperstown?  
I think so; unless McGwire changes HIS name to Mark Clinton, then no.

Would Bill Clinton “do” Gisele Bundchen or Bridget Moynahan? Bill Clinton
Hellfire, Bill Clinton would “do” Bruce Jenner.

BobLee, how many of “these” do you have?
…… just 3-4 more.

Has Pats owner Bob Kraft called Carol Folt for Governor Jim Martin’s email address?
That’s a trick question.   Governor Jim Martin doesn’t have an email address.   See Albert, you aren’t the only one.

If the NFL comes down really hard on the Patriots will there be street riots in Foxboro?
No.  There are not enough blacks in all of New England to pull off a decent street riot.  When Irish get pissed, they just get drunk and beat each other up.

What do POTUSes do with those dorky jerseys with their names on them?
Who knows… them to interns for “benefits”?   Maybe they give them to Katie Couric or Helen Thomas for loungewear?

Is this the first Internet commentary EVER to mention Gisele Bundchen, Ring Lardner, Helen Thomas and Mark Emmert?
AND Sherman Plunket.

Burns and AllenSay Good Night, Gracie.


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