I swear there are not enough hours in the day to chronicle or even catalogue the mountain of pure foolishness that finds its way to my desk. I climb said mountain for the same reason that Sir Edmund trekked up Everest – “Because it is there!”
This week’s Foolish award is shared twixt (1) a “DEVASTATING” Confidential email that according to “some” assures Death Penalty OR WORSE for The Flagship….. and (2) a national lesson on the courtship customs of AfAm jocks and their baby mammas. A doozy involving FoxSports Diva Erin Andrews trails these other two.
I like the word “DEVASTATING” and the phrase “Toxic”. Both usually modify nouns and circumstances about to be hyperbolized out their respective wazzoos. Such was the case in an email I received several hours ago.
There is a Redneck joke that goes Q: “How do you know when a Redneck is about to seriously injure himself? ….. A: When he yells “Hey, watch this!” ….. or when an ABCer declares “THIS will DEVASTATE UNCheats”.
My day was formally “made” upon e-receipt from a quite impassioned ABCer of the Lupine sub-species that a DEVASTATING email from the UNCCH Legal counsel had circled the planet nine times and seven out of eight billion Chinese now firmly believe “Stick a fork in The Flagship. She be “done” now fer sure.” I could hear the banner-bashing bulldozers reving up as I read his ecstatic revelation.
Being the only human on Earth (other than Albert) who had NOT seen this CONFIDENTAL – DO NOT SHARE Email, I promptly contacted one of my deep inside contacts and had myself a copy quicker than you could say “Jack Robinson” or “Deborah Crowder”.
That I had enjoyed a delightful weekend unaware of this fatal missive is a testament, I suppose, to my having “a real life”.
Seeing the words CONFIDENTIAL / DO NOT SHARE in day-glo orange at the top as well as one of those DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG mattress warnings, I was in the proper whimsical mood to dive in.
My first thought involved “Call me Dickie” and a Donkey Show in Tijuana. Nope.
Said DEVASTATING email is from a Stephen C. Keadey who is apparently an “Associate Counsel”. It is possible that Stephen C is actually a barback at Amedeo’s but I took what I was seeing at face value. Me cynical ???
Was Stephen C. telling everyone at UNC to immediately destroy any and all correspondence in their possession e-or-otherwise related to Mary Willingham, the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby, Tami Hansbrough’s private diary, the design of The Edsel, and/or the recruiting of Wah Wah Jones….. and describing proper procedures for doing so involving a paper shredder, acid, and how deep a hole to dig to bury the shards in …….. WHOA! ….. NO NO NO…. That’s NOT what Stephen C. Keadey – Associate Counsel was saying at all.
Stephen C WAS saying PRESERVE any/all materials cyber and otherwise related to Mary Willingham et al. He was specifically ordering (can an Associate Counsel “order”?) that all records be SAVED should they be requested in the forthcoming lawsuit filed by our friend Mary.
Stephen C obviously has never worked for the IRS’ Lois Lerner, The Rose Law Firm, or The Nixon White House. I digress.
I was not exactly DEVASTATED nor was I sensing that the Franklin Street Caldera was afixin’ to blow. UNC Admins are still quite capable of blowing themselves to smithereens with TGU but this latest CONFIDENTIAL memo from Stephen C. Keadey doesn’t do it. I read it thru three more times, consulting a grandson of a Navaho codebreaker to apply his expertise via reading between the lines.
Stephen C was notifying X number of UNC acade-bureaucrats to prepare themselves to be deposed as witnesses in Mary’s lawsuit. Being deposed under oath is not a common occurrence for acade-bureaucrats. Stephen C anticipated they might be intimidated by the process and inadvertently respond improperly.
Saying “My dog ate that memo from Holden” being an example of “an improper response”.
I found not a single DEVASTATING syllable in Stephen C’s missive. That it has ABCers dancing in The Brickyard doesn’t surprise me. Dem silly guys and gals have had a permanent case of “happy feet” since Marvin hit Tweet.
I am a faithful viewer of “Suits” and Blondie never misses “The Good Wife” so we be pretty astute legal authorities. We are hereby declaring Stephen C’s CONFIDENTIAL missive to be UN-DEVASTATING. Please so notify any/all Chinese you may encounter. I will personally notify Dickie Baddour son – Judge Alan Baddour.
That Stephen C Keadey ever thought this would remain CONFIDENTIAL for more than 9-10 seconds is, I freely admit, funny as Hell.
On my personal Before I Die Bucket List the block beside “Court an AfAm baby mamma” remains unchecked. Likewise the item – “Become a famous, rich AfAm jock”.
Ergo I don’t know squat, jack or diddly about the courting rituals twixt AfAm jocks and their baby mammas. Maybe “knock the beyotch unconscious then drag her outside the elevator all the while being videotaped” has some significance in their culture?
Baltimore Ravens’ RB Ray Rice’s then fiancée and two weeks later Mrs Ray Rice seemed unconcerned by the experience once she regained consciousness.
As I often note….. cultural differences are not good / bad simply “different” between different cultures. That the NFL presumes to dictate courting practices for their teams’ players seems quite presumptuous to me. Will sharing casino elevators with foxy ladies become verboten? Whats next…. sharing a casino elevator with a fellow gay player? By the way….. if an offensive tackle “clips” Michael Sams will it be “a hate crime”? Has anyone thought that thru?
A mere two-game suspension for The Rices little elevator dalliance is being assailed from all corners of the politically correct universe. The NOW Gang is in a trizzy. Is it inevitable that Mama Obama issues a #hashtag on the subject?
A sports league that already donates the month of October to its fondness for women and desire for women to become ardent fans, is now on the hook for putting “knock the beeyotch unconscious” behind “a gay slur”…. “DWI”….. and “touching Peyton Manning” as far as Official League Designated No-Nos. OUCH!
The above was all quite foolish enuff….. when Stephen A Smith (not Stephen C Associate Counsel) and ESPN bimbette Michelle Beadle got into a Verbal Texas Death Match over it. Stephen A sorta but not really kinda said “maybe sometimes ‘she’ provokes it”. “It” being “knocked unconscious in a casino elevator”. “She” being womankind foolish enough to become romantically involved with a rich AfAm jock who has been trained since birth to inflict pain on others…. and being paid very well to do so.
Michelle, who herself had dated NHL guys, took exceptions to what Stephen A sorta but not really said….. and ESPN promptly exploited their contrived kerfluffle all weekend. Monday morning Stephen A delivered a humble diatribe using a lot of polysyllabic words to say he apologized for saying what he didn’t really mean or say.
Meanwhile FoxSport Diva Erin Andrews, who also dates an NHL guy, expressed her nervousness about replacing Pam Oliver on FoxSports NFL telecasts. It will be Erin’s latest professional challenge (?) to ask inane questions to NFL coaches as they run off the field at halftime. Erin is worried she can not “fill Pam’s very large shoes” in such a difficult task ???? Who knew Pam Oliver had “very large shoes” ??? Who knew Pam Oliver?
A Boston-area radio shock jock promptly took exception to Erin Andrews taking her sillyself so seriously and called her a lot of unflattering names. FoxSports then said it would no longer buy advertising on that radio station.
Meanwhile Hamas sends suicide bombers into Tel Aviv. Those 300 little girls are still held hostage in Africa DESPITE Mama Obama’s #hashtag….. and the owner of the Broncos has Alzheimers.
Suicide bombers, human slavery and Alzheimers are all DEVASTATING. At least in my humble opinion.