Last week we got a peek at Ken “The Investigator” Wainstein aka “$900/hour Ken From Washington”. This leaves Deborah Crowder as the only yet-to-be-seen PrimeTimePlayer in the NeverEndin’ Unpleasantness.
$900/hour Ken expects to turn in his exhaustive report “in the Fall” giving us 3-4 more months of thumb twiddlin’, bitchin’, blamin’, and teeth-grindin’. Also it keeps me, Dan Kane and “the BusinessWeek guy” in easy column fodder. Every ill wind blows someone’s sails.
Our “Lunch with ….” column series has gone mega-viral with over 20,000 views so far. That is A LOT for a website without nekkid cheerleaders or kittens on roller skates….. and resulted in yours truly being summarily insulted by being called……
“A Journalist”! …… Noooo! “Internet provocateur” is good. “Smart aleck with that website” is fine. “That SOB” is OK. But NOT “a journalist”. Mamma thought I left home to play piano in a whorehouse. If she finds out her little boy was called “a journalist” well, it wouldn’t be a pretty site. The fact that a well-known regional media mogul called me one was even more of a shock.
Today we play The End Game Game. Lets discuss the possible Who Dunnit & What To Do With That Who & What He/She/They Done.
FWIW: I think $900/hour Ken has more Big Boy Chops than all the UNC-CH Keystone Kop Administrators put together…. except for BubbaTheRealAD. Bubba is the only one who should even be allowed in the same room with Ken…. except for the 80+ who know what really happened of course.
The general public’s expectations for $900/hour Ken’s Report are about as upbeat as Minnesota Timberwolves fans are about the upcoming NBA Draft. When your team is “only 6-8 good players away” from maybe sneaking into the playoffs in 3-4 years, it’s kinda hard to sell suites in the VIP Section. If you get my drift.
Apply the “blind hog & acorn” theory. Nothing that UNC Admins have done in the past five years has done anything other than diminish public confidence in their credibility and any sincere desire to “get to the bottom of” anything.
What are the odds that they NEVER do anything that might be viewed as credible? “Never get it right” are staggering odds. $900/hour Ken COULD be Mr Right! Really….. Ya gotta believe Tug!
In cinema circles, it was impossible for Godfather II or III to ever be as good as Godfather I. Fortunately for $900/hour Ken he is the sequel to Goofy Ol’ Guv Martin. Not Godfather I. It is impossible for $900/hour Ken’s Report to be as laughable as Guv Martin’s efforts. More expensive for sure. He’s spoken to 80+ people which, by my figuring, is 70+ more than Ol’ Jim ever talked to.
When Charming Little Carol (From Dartmouth) introduces $900/hour Ken to deliver his report….. if she makes ANY mention of “UNC is such a special place” or “how gosh darn thrilled” she is to be here, that will be a clue to lift your feet cause its liable to get pretty deep. Lets hope she doesn’t go that route.
I have no clue whatsoever how this is all going to shake out. I don’t read InsideCarolina or PackPride. How could I possibly know anything? Wink, snort, giggle……
Lets look at the two main roads this could travel.
The Single Deborah Theory: aka: Deborah Takes The Fall / Lets Blame It All On Deborah…. Deborah being the yet-seen Deborah Crowder NOT the razor-totin’ Dr Debbie Stroman. Deborah Crowder is “Cauc” by the way, not AfAm. Not that that is important, but probably not widely known. People around UNC that know her all say she is “a very nice person who really cares about kids”….. especially AfAm kids (w/ game) that she sees as being needy in various ways (like staying eligible). …… nice boys like “Sheed” and “Touche” McGinnis, and McCants and …..
IF, in her sincere desire to help UNC AfAm student-athletes, she might have inched a teeny bit (!!) over-the-line, well, golly, she can’t be faulted for caring too much about these kids. Can she?
She (Deborah) meant to clear the ghost class flim flam with Julius and with Roy and with Dickie and with The Provost, The Chancellor and The NCAA. But Deborah got busy and forgot to do so for a dozen years. ….. Have years of e-mails mysteriously disappeared yet? AgentPierce MADE me say that.
If $900/hour Ken goes with this single-bullet theory then Deborah Crowder will be Lee H. Oswald. Without an Abraham Zapruder on the grassy knoll, amateur sleuths will be left to speculate for the next 50 years.
Roy will gloat and say something dumb. Dean’s Legacy will be as pure as ever. Jerseys will keep fluttering in the rafters surrounded by fluttering banners. Jack-ass UNC fans will be as obnoxious as they were five years ago. Maybe even more so.
Deborah Crowder can’t be fired. She quit several years ago. Her special friend – Burgess McSwain – is dead. Wayne Weldon is long gone too. No habeas corpi. The NCAA goons need not return. CASE CLOSED ….. well, except for $900/hour Ken’s whopper of a bill.
This scenario, with a few tweaks, IS on the short list of real possibilities. So is…..
The Godfather’s Christening Scene Theory: This could also be called Nuke’em or God Is an ABCer. Return to The Godfather analogy.
As $900/hour Ken delivers his report, assorted NCAA goons, assisted by ABC vigilante squads, are simultaneously apprehending dozens of “perps” all around the fabled Chapel Hill campus.
If I was casting this one, I have “Call me Dickie” as Moe Green on the massage table. NO, I don’t mean literally. I mean figuratively. Jeeezzzz.
Who is in the elevator when Clemenza opens both barrels? Who gets trapped in the revolving door? Who tumbles down the courthouse steps? Who gets garroted from the backseat of the sedan?
NOTE: Trust me Albert. EVERYBODY, but you, IS “getting this”.
As Ken is reading chapter and verse of his findings….. the camera shifts to a solitary figure high in “the rafters”. He holds a hawkbill knife. As he slices and slashes, we see large championship banners floating lazily to the arena floor. Yes, even “the Helms thing”. Nooo, not THAT ONE too!
The fabled arena is empty save a small figure standing in the players’ tunnel watching the banners falling. A tow-headed “youngster” of 6-8 wearing a “I’m A Little Tar Heel” t-shirt. He doesn’t understand what he is seeing. He is holding a cup. He realizes the cup is empty. Just a moment before the cup was filled ……. with Kool-Aid. …….. But not any more.
Sure. There ARE gradiants between the Single Deborah Theory and The Christening Scene. But I’ll leave those possibilities to “journalists”. I’m just a guy with a website.
A MUST READ: A very special BobLeeBuddy – John Shelton Reed; Retired UNC Sociology Professor – has written a BOFFO treatise on “What Happened To The Carolina Way”. Here’s a link to it from today’s Chapelboro.com along with an interview with Professor Reed. My kinda guy!
Professor Reed is out of the country at present, which is probably best. TruBlue lunatics can’t get to him. When JSR returns, he and I are scheduled to “have lunch” but you probably guessed that, didn’t you?