“A League Of Our Own”

December09/ 2013

Saturday was “a bountiful feast” for fans of college football.  Comparable I guess to either of several weekends of March Madness for college basketball fans.    I risked carpal tunnel syndrome working the remote back & forth.   As regular readers know, I had particular interest in goings-on at The Georgia Dome.   That got messy at the end but fans in Columb-ia (MO) likely handled the day’s outcome better than their counterparts in Columb-us (OH). Ouch!

Will Conference Championship Day ever ignite celebrations in central North Carolina?…..

Is college football “a Journey or a Destination”?   For local area fans of reasonable adult maturity, I suggest it better be “a journey”.  As for the cross-eyed goober species regardless of their partisan affiliation…. well, who cares?

Both Mary Ann Foxe (remember her?) and Frau have boldly predicted that the only obstacles twixt WuffNation and BCS Glory were removed by their hiring of (insert names of Amato or Doeren respectively).

Meanwhile 28 miles to the west, “ye olde sleeping giant” snores away making Rip Van Winkle seem like an insomniac by comparison.  BOTBob and his fat cat cronies thought they had bought the magic beans with The Butcher.  That whizbang plan blew up with Hiroshimatic results and the smell of cordite still lingers in the air over beautiful Franklin Street.

An hour west, as Jim Grobe packs up his personals, there may be a Deac or two that thought 2006 was rarified air that once breathed could become addictive.   Maybe if Brian Piccolo, Norm Snead, Ricky Proehl and Bill George could all reassemble…. but “going to Shreveport” three outta five years is more likely.   When introducing “da new guy”, who thinks Ron Wellman is going to say “Look out Alabama…. here comes Mighty Wake Forest!”

Did the first few three & outs by Jimbo’s Juggernaut give any Duke loyalists hope that maybe just maybe Cut’s Wally Warriors could SHOCK The BCS?   Hey, no one gave Coach K’s kids a chance against Tark’s Thugs in 1991 and ya know how that turned out.    Alas, Davids & Goliaths are much more likely in basketball than in the more physical trenches of football.

That “the Sara Lee of coaches” had his “good kids” atop The Coastal Division is very cool and beyond commendable.  Plaudits aplenty for Good Neighbor Dave and his Devils.   And a thank you to the ACC schedule gods that spared The Wally Warriors from playing the Dabos and Jimbos Juggernaut in the regular season.

Schedule gods also were most gracious to Mizzou’s Tigers who caught UGa and UF in funk seasons and were spared encounters with Bama, Auburn and LSU in the regular season.   Such schedule anomalies will be critical in this era of “divisional conferences”.  Board monkeys can add “the schedule guy” to “the refs” on their lengthy lists of “evil people out to get us because _______”.

To the east….. if your team is touting it’s selection to Beef O’Brady’s Bowl….. THAT is not a stepping stone to college football’s elite.   Along a similar vein, The Purple Ruff-ians whuppings of both UNC and State did not create a ripple of interest in places “where college football is a religion”.  That those victories REALLY mattered regionally is fine but I’m just saying.

If sitting at the Big Boy Table of college football was a matter of signing 1-2-3 exceptional players then both Carolina and State would have multiple BCS bling in their “Football Centers” ….. Kenan and Murphy respectively.  They don’t.

State has THREE starting QBs in the NFL with two being legit superstars and the third doing quite well for a rookie.  Three !!!  Alabama does not have a single one.  Neither does LSU or Ohio State.   Ya think they would trade their over-flowing trophy cases for “we got THREE NFL QBs!!”

Carolina has a QB alumnus who won a National Professional Championship last month – Darien Durant won the Grey Cup for Saskatchewan.  I’m sure you all knew that, but thought I would remind you.

Gio Bernard…. Andre Brown…. Peppers….. Nicks….. Sweezy….. and dozens more currently on various rosters.   Retired alums like Saturday and Holt…… Both schools have had very talented athletes don their colors over the past decade or so yet neither one has enjoyed any notable team success other than backyard braggin’ rights.

If your team’s bowl successes were in games with whozit sponsors in secondary tier cities….. then your program is not scaring “the big boys”.

Yes, your team might fashion the occasional upset that sends your student section “stormin’ the field” and create local legend status for a Barth but when December rolls around you ain’t headed to any burg with an International airport.

Is that OK?  It is to me.

If there was such a person as an impartial authority on such matters, I’m not sure how they might compare Larry Fedora and Dave Doeren as either being “the next Saban, Shoop, Briles, Malzahn, et al”.   There is always “a next generation”.   I can find aplenty of blind partisan goobers who will swear “our guy” is WONDERFUL ‘cause he is “our guy”….. and he says all the “right stuff”.

“Our steely-eyed guy who says all the right stuff” ranks right along with “I have a can’t miss restaurant concept based on my grandma’s spaghetti sauce”.   Used restaurant equipment stores are always busy for a reason.  ADs (not named Dickie) keep “short lists” in their desk drawer for a reason.

If Larry or DaveWho or DaveSaraLee or Ruff can win 7-8-9 games/year for 5-6 years that, IMO, would be very cool.   Assuming, of course, that those wins include more than 50% over “arch rivals”.

7-8-9 Ws, of course, will not satisfy the goggle-eyed goober gang AT ALL.   Those wretched souls with their dead-end lives DEMAND a vicarious throne upon which they can sit to have their picture taken pretending “they” had actually accomplished something special.

Such sad wretched souls in Tuscaloosa, Baton Rogue, Columbus, Norman, Austin, Gainesville, Lincoln and Eugene are pouring battery acid in their eyes today and punching holes in sheet-rock walls.   To “not be one of them” should be on everyone else’s Christmas list.   I really hope it’s on yours.

Allowing that The USA DID beat Russia in 1980 and Butler came within a frog hair of cutting down the BIG nets in 2010….. you can get all YIPPEE when your team ‘o choice signs a 4-star….. when they sign 8-10 “elite players” each year for three years in a row, let me know.

Never forget…… the games that count in November and December are won by “the teams with the best 3rd team O-lines”.  Football, like infantry warfare, is all about “attrition”.   Eisenhower, Napoleon, Caesar, Saban, Belichek, Bowden and Cutcliffe all understand that.

Weepin’ & moanin’ that “we’da won if only (Underwood, Renner, Campanero) had not gotten hurt” means you don’t get it.

Our annual “make fun of all the silly over-hyped bowl games” will be forthcoming.  Meanwhile start counting how many thug-aletes will be “suspended indefinitely and/or kicked-off” for unspecified violation of team rules.    The over-under every December is 36.  The record set in 2011 was 68 nation-wide.

Congrats to Arizona and Boston College for winning this year’s Christmas In Shreveport sweepstakes.  Put a quarter in the slots at the Bossier City casino for BobLee.  …. and enjoy a bowl o’ gumbo too.


“Hiroshimatic” and the line about “used restaurant equipment” have already been submitted to the Internet Smart-aleck Quips library.


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