“Sports’ Parallel Universe Part II”

January17/ 2013

As if I needed to further prove my incredibly insightful theory on sport’s “real playing field” – the parallel cyber-universe where sports now takes place (as well as politics, international banking, romance and pretty much everything).   This one isn’t 24 hours old so goodness knows where it will be in another 24.  Check with your personal Nigerian banker just in case. …… Will the new verb be “being Manti-ed” or “being Te’o-ed”?

My very very VERY dear friend “PrinceAlbert” (aka PA) wrote me this week to ask “who are Chip Hilton and Gil Thorp?”   OK, neither Blondie nor Kid have a clue re: Chip or Gil but “sports” has not been a key component in their lives over the past 50+ years.   PA is the only human being I know who has never seen Godfather, Animal House OR Caddyshack so no interrogatory from him ever really surprises me.   He won’t know nuthin about Manti Te’o.

PA is one of God’s most uniquely wonderful creations and NO ONE’s choice for a teammate in Pop Culture Jeopardy.   But, he’s a most excellent choice to stand next to in a lightning storm.  PA has connections in VERY High Places.

Since this LuLu just broke Wednesday night, even some of you “in the know” sorts might still be scratching your head on this one.

Thumbnailing:  That Notre Dame linebacker that was runner-up for the Heisman and subsequently run-over, run-around and run-thru by the entire Crimson Tide football team, is now either (1) the most gullible goober since Howard Sprague and Cliff Clavin; or (2) the newest Superhero of BoardMonkeyWorld.Teogirl

Being a Notre Dame football hero….. AND having a fictitious Internet girlfriend!  Is that not a Willie Wonka Golden Ticket for the perpetually pathetic?

For a State board monkey that’s like:  Being named “the Ken Starr” lead independent investigator for The Great Unpleasantness….. with full subpoena powers over both Jennifer Wiley and Deborah Crowder.

For a UNC board monkey that’s like:  Dan Kane being a human piñata and you being handed a baseball bat.

Here’s a compendium of this “Huhhhhh !!!!”.

One of my first, of many thoughts, was “are we sure that Katherine Webb really exists?”  Did State really beat Duke….. then get whupped at Maryland?   Speaking of which…. The WuffPack’s perch atop the ACC standings was noticeably shorter than the presidency of William Henry Harrison….. OUCH!

Blondie’s immediate conclusion (she’s a BIG “Elementary” fan btw) is “He’s as gay as Barney Franks’ proctologist.  This “girlfriend” ruse was a convenient “beard”.

As I said above…. only 24 hours old, this is so far from being “cleared up” that any first blush conclusions should be written on an Etch-a-Sketch for easy erasing.

AgentPierce immediately noted that “the N&O is already blaming Art Pope” and “Bill Barber is holding a imaginary rally on Fayetteville Street in support of Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend.

Governor Jim Martin has offered to conduct an investigation so long as he doesn’t have to actually interview Te’o, his accomplices, the ND AD, Ol’ Roy, or anyone who might actually know anything about it.

ESPN has already apologized in advance for whatever Brent Musberger might, or might not, say about how pretty this imaginary girl would be if she was real.

It’s purely “the luck of the Irish” that Beano Cook (and Lindsey Nelson) are not aiive to witness this.

In Tuscaloosa, AJ McCarron is laughing his butt off.  “Yo Manti – I WIN AGAIN!  Mine’s real.”

Marvin Austin & Greg Little claim they met “her” at that South Beach party.

Lane Kiffin called a press conference in LA to announce “I’m pretty sure even we haven’t done anything THIS silly….. yet.”

The Pope (the one with the funny hat & slippers…. not “Art”) has contacted the Prez of Notre Dame as to what form of imaginary birth control the cyber lovers practiced.

Regis Philbin has sequestered himself in The Grotto refusing to take texts from anyone but Joe Theisman, Joe Montana or Mike Golic.  Regis did issue this tweet – “this is even more embarrassing than Hornung winning the Heisman back in ‘56”.

Neither Kim Kardashian nor Richard “Dickie” Baddour have said anything but somehow both just belongs in the middle of this somehow

Jon Sasser: Will your client be issuing a video response re:Te’o – I didn’t know nuthin’ ?

Bill Clinton, Andrew Weiner, Eliot Spitzer and “that idiot SC governor” want to know the URL for “ImaginaryGals_R_Us.com.   That “idiot UNC physics professor in jail in Argentina” says he thinks she is “a Twitter friend”.

Obama has ordered his dimwitted toadie, Bozo Joe, to wrap up the gun control mess and get cracking on stopping this epidemic of cyber-kanoodling.   Joe replied “yesssa boss” and poked himself in the eye with his thumb.

“Touchdown Jesus” is no longer signaling a TD.  He has been renamed “Throwing up his arms in abject embarrassment Jesus”.

Skip Bayless & Stephen A Smith are screaming at one another that “we never had these problems before Tim Tebow came into the NFL”.

Somewhere Grantland Rice bemoans:

“Outlined against a blue gray January sky the Four Horsemen….. have dismounted, unsaddled their steeds, and curled up into fetal positions.  The echoes of their cries have been awakened.”

Was there REALLY “a Gipper”………..  Rudy, please call Dan Devine ASAP.


0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x