RIMSHOTS 12/17/12

December17/ 2012

In no particular order – The Catholic 7 excommunicate themselves…. No more kickoffs…. Coaches shows vs The Loonies….  More Race Hustling from Bristol…. Return of The Hux…. OH, and BobLee chooses a wingman – uh oh! …….

The Era of The Big East having…..
a dozen March dancers is over.  Hellfire, the era of The Big East having enough members to field a team in the NCAA conference 3 on 3 league is over.  What is it now…. ECU, Boise and DeMatha HS?  A group known as “The Catholic Basketball Schools” have bolted the conference en masse.  Apparently realizing that oblate spheroids are the only ball shape that stirs the BCS / NCAA drink.   Duh!
Big East Commissioner Mike Aresco issued an official statement – “Effective immediately we will no longer be serving Mrs Paul’s fish sticks at conference lunch meetings held on a Friday.”   The Big EAST now contains one school in the Eastern time zone.


Wake Forest BkB Coach vs Unhappy Deacs…..
Having more consonants in one’s name than one has ACC Ws to one’s name after 2+ years breeds discontent among one’s fan base.  “That WFU coach with the funny name” will no longer take live telephone calls on his weekly radio show.  I’m not as shocked by the decision as I am that it matters to anyone.
Taking “live calls” is known (at least by me) as The Rita From Chester Rule.  Back in the John Bunting Era, he always received a “We love you coach.  Tell the boys we’re apulling for’em this week…..” call from a woman named Rita who lived in Chester SC.  The inanity of the call sort of exemplified the abject foolishness of “coaches show”.


“Radio” is not a growth industry but “lunatics spewing balderdash” certainly is.   Who knew even polite little Wake Forest has it’s proportionate share of pointy-teethed goobers whose pathetic lives revolve around who wins a game”.  How much venom can an angry Deacon spew if an angry Deacon is allowed on-the-air?
Ol’ Roy stopped taking live calls the moment it was suggested that he could which was a year or so ago.  I guess Rita sends pajama-grams now.  If you ever saw Rita (and I did once); the visual of Rita in pajamas ain’t a pretty one.  It’s 2012 and text messages and tweets are fine substitutes for “live callers” on a coaches’ show.  Law & Order reruns or The Bing Crosby Christmas album are also fine substitutes for the silly shows altogether.


Roger Goodell fights back…..
After his predecessor – Paul Tagliabue – slapped his hand over the bounty suspension, NFL Commish Roger Goodell retaliated with the trial balloon that he might eliminate “kickoffs”.

Taking the foot outta football seems a bit severe but Rog’ is trying to take violence out of a game whose massive appeal is based (1) on it’s violence…. and (2) on buffalo wings.
Kickoffs are dangerous because the highest-speed collisions occur at the highest speeds.  Danger…. Shamanger…..  Fans really don’t care about the players getting hurt especially if it’s the other teams players or just some special team whozit that no one chose on their fantasy team.
Goodell is proposing, in lieu of kickoffs, the kicking team get one play to gain 15 yards (????).  So long as the words “blue line” or “icing” aren’t involved I don’t really care.   I am more concerned about another consideration I noted in that last column – to eliminate brunette cheerleaders.   Whats next – eliminating cheerleaders whose names end in “i” ???  Goodell is clearly out of his gourd.


Race hustling on ESPN…..
Nothing scares the bejeebers out of an ESPN exec-suit faster than “ a racial slur”.  OK, it’s a tie between “racial slur” and “nubile interns who don’t wear underwear”.   Both of those distract those suits from counting their bazillions of $$$$.
ESPN’s biggest money printing machines are Football, Football and its ad contracts with Progressive Insurance, Geico and FreeCreditReport.com.   Anything that might threaten those cash cows has them grabbing for the Prilosec.
Last week another angry/constipated black guy tested how angry he could get on-air by dissing RG3.  NOT a smart move at all, but angry black guys with live mics are prone to “not smart moves”.  Like wearing gangsta zoot suits.  Its some sort of reparational emancipation thingy.  The difference between angry constipated black Rob Parker and angry constipated black Jason Whitlock is about 180 more lbs for Whitlock.  But ESPN is bigger than FoxSports so that sorta evens the playing field for their “my week to be angry” black guys.
Some uninformed ESPN viewers might expect Stephen A Smith to be an “angry black sports guy”.  No.  Stephen A simply plays one on-air.  Stephen A is really a pretty cool dude who is “the black Jim Rome” in that his pompous persona really pisses off that viewer faction that thinks professional wrestling is real and “we faked the moon landing”.  Apparently a LOT of “those people” buy Progessive Insurance…. and also really hate Kirk Herbstreit because “coeds send him their underwear”.
Its 2012 and sports revolves around angry constipated black guys and skanky gals.


December Bowl Suspension Updates….
Michigan fulfilled its required December bad boyz zappings last week with three: – one starter, a punter and a meat squad kid.   In somewhat related news – the % of “Bowl teams actually being coached by their regular season Head Coach” is now down to 65%.  Coaches who vamoose in December do NOT get Bowl Bling.


Return of The Hux…..
No sooner did we recall the Damnation of Dave Huxtable than incoming Wuff Grid Messiah Dave Doeren hired the once-villified coaching vagabond to be Defensive Coordinator on Dave Doeren’s Dream Team aka “greatest collegiate coaching staff ever being assembled”.
As we noted here last week…. The Hux was one of the first designated hate-targets of the Internet Lunatic Era of college sports.  John Bunting hired Dave to replace Smilin’ Jon Tenuta after Smilin’ Jon refused to recruit, wear a collared shirt, bring doughnuts when it was his day to bring doughnuts, and to play nice with his peers.
Smilin’ Jon actually referred to himself in the 3rd person as “the greatest defensive football mind not named Al Groh”.  He had cards made up and everything.  He lasted less than a full calendar year before he and Dawn Bunting fought over who sat up front on the team bus.  Dawn won – Jon left – Hux came…. alas Julius Peppers soon left too and Hux was not as great a defensive coach sans Pepp.   The UNC loonies reacted angrily making Hux’s life a holy hell for a year.  Hux soon left for Central Florida but now Hux is back. ….. and, apparently replacing Jon Tenuta as reigning Wuff defensive guru.  Is that weird or what?
Wuff loonies traditionally target Offensive Coordinators. A tradition started in the Amato Era (Mazzone, Testaman, et al) so Hux might get a year or so off the radar.   Hux is no where near as bad as UNC loons made him out to be….. nor as plum wonderful as Wuff loons hope he will be.  He is a veteran itinerant football coach now coming to The Carter.
I recall he had a daughter who was Maria Sharapov-esque – statuesque blond tennis player.   Hux joins Robbie Caldwell, Darrell Moody, Mike O’Cain, Jim Donnan, Buzz Peterson, Todd Turner and probably a few others who have both blue & red blood in their veins or on their hands.


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