By-By TO’B, Maryland & Barths

November26/ 2012

Friday was “black” for shoppers and Sunday was “black” for a lotta college football coaches – at least five were axed for their inabilities to “fulfill expectations”……   Earlier last week, Maryland changed UNC-alum commissioners –  leaving Little Johnny for Jimmy D…… and, amid the pines, The Last Barth was bid adieu……..

There are children in the 3rd grade that have never known a world in which “a Barth” was not kicking for the Tar Heels.  Nine years, four coaches and 126 Dan Kane N&O columns have come & gone since UNC’s football roster did not have “Barth C.” on it somewhere.  As of last Saturday, it doesn’t any more.  The Barths join The Gogolaks, The Bahrs, The Mares and probably a few other “kicking brothers” in the annals of football.

Art and I tried to recall all of UNC’s “brothers” and got to…… the Kupecs, Moes, Wolfs, Smiths, Streaters, Lemonds, and some others before we realized how old it meant we are.  We omitted “the Wares” because we don’t like them.  I still wonder if they ever actually said good-by to Roy.  I don’t think they ever did.  BTW, it is now impossible to say the word “Kupec” without smirking.

The Kicking Barths from Wilmington are forever “in the annals”.  Thank you Mom & Dad Barth.


Also now “in the annals” is TO’B.  The Ruddy-faced Marine joins Tom Reed, Monte Kiffin, Al Micheals, Mike O’Cain and ones even I can’t remember as “good men” who “failed to fulfill expectations” as Head Football Coach at NC State University.   Many have tried their darnedest over the decades but yea verily none have succeeded in securing The Wolfpack a toehold among The Top Twenty of college football.

Frau (aka “Kay’s sister”) Yow dropped the ax on TO’B on Sunday around noon.  It was not an entirely unexpected public execution.  It set off an afternoon of coach firings that reached “at least five” before ESPN ran out of “______ Fired At _____ University” headlines.

NCSU, Auburn, Purdue, Arkansas and Boston College now join Tennessee, Kentucky,  California and probably 2-3 directional Michigan schools all looking for “someone who will excite our lunatic fringe and keep them reasonably happy for at least a week”.  There will be AT LEAST five more.

The Butcher is sending out resumes marketing himself as “this year’s affordable Gruden”.  Bobby Petrino swears he has given up biker bimbos, at least blond ones.

Once again “building character & running a clean program” proved as valuable as traits for a college football coach as “a great personality & makes her own clothes” helps a girl get a date for the prom.   When push comes to shove “wins” and “breasts” respectively are what’s really important.  In TO’B’s case, a teaspoon of personality woulda helped.   Wuffs have always been suckas for “glib”.  TO’B was always a quart low on glib.

The firing of TO’B means Christmas arrives 31 days early for those of us who enjoy mass hysteria of the Lupine variety.   It’s an acquired taste for sure, but there are darn few events that bring out the scary dregs of human evolution more vividly than an NC State coaching search.

Every fan base has a lunatic fringe, bottom-feeders and a zombie faction.  Lenoir Rhyne and Bob Jones University probably have’em.  They are all capable of running around in circles, chewing off their own arms and beating themselves further senseless with said arms; but none are any more fun to watch that The Brickyard Bunch.

I would never advocate anyone kissing a cobra, subscribing to The N&O, or visiting a nutjob fan forum, but if one was ever going to do so, in the midst of a coaching search is the time to do so.   Keep in mind that the Internet and talk show comments you will be exposed to come, for the most part, from humans who breed, have opposable thumbs….. and can operate heavy machinery.  Scary!

Ya might not think the names Julius Nyang’oro and Jennifer Wiley would come up in an NC State Football Coach Search…. but you can bet the 401-K that they will in this one.  Julius and Jennifer’s names come up ANY time two wuffs are talking….. or if one wuff is talking to itself.

“This one” has already gone thru it’s “Sean Miller Moment”.  This time it was a “James Franklin Moment”.   No sooner had a handful of wuffs given TO’B the obligatory “he was a good man” obituarial by-by than the mob moved immediately into “next messiah mode”.

Frau knows Vandy’s James Franklin so he moved immediately atop the list i.e. Sean Miller.   Frau immediately kiboshed that one sending Wuff Mob into Cowher – Gruden – Bellichek – Saban Mode.  One lone wuff mentioned Rick Barnes of course because EVERY Wuff Coach Search HAS to include Rick Barnes.

It must be noted that The Brickyard Bunch & Frau Yow are still in sorta honeymoon mode.  Frau does not have her own FireFrauYow website – YET.  She will eventually because Brickyarders ALWAYS devour their ADs.  If Coach Gott loses two more games before 2012 becomes 2013, look for the bloom to begin to fade from Frau’s rose but until then….. she gets a pass.   Who knew that winning 5-6 volleyball games could so enthrall a mob.

Wuffs thinking “every Great Coach wants to come to NC State” is as delusional as UNCers thinking “every Great Chancellor wants to come to Carolina”.   Both NC State’s Football Coach Searchers and Carolina’s Chancellor Searchers will find themselves in long lines of pining suitors for “the big names”.  Their Champagne Wishes & Caviar Dreams dashed on the jagged rocks of competitive reality.

But yeah verily, whoever they finally get will be – taaa daaaa – “our first choice all along and absolutely THE PERFECT CHOICE” to excite our lunatic fringe until around the second week of September.  By the middle of September 2013, Coach Perfect Choice will be on his own adrift among the sharks and piranhas that have devoured so many before him.

Coach Perfect Choice will, of course, be a superb character-builder….. committed to academic excellence….. yadda yadda yadda …… and hopefully have a great set o’ tits and be a really good kisser.  Not punting the ball to Gio would be good too.


Meanwhile in The District of Columbia, the twenty-two members of the Univ of Minnesota Alumni Club are positively giddy anticipating the arrival of their beloved Golden Gophers to Byrd Stadium in 2015.  Positively giddy.

It has been said that if you see “a turtle on a fence post”, you know for sure he didn’t get there all by himself.  Similarly, if you don’t see Maryland in a list of ACC member institutions, you can be pretty sure that no one much cares.

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