Dear Holden: I think you should…..

September30/ 2012

Dear Holden:  As always, I want happiness and a good night’s sleep for the FamilyThorp.  I warned you that Dickie was a putz and that Tami was a she-pariah but free advice is worth what it costs you, huh?   As regards that bold announcement about Athlete Admissions.  Before the goggle-eyed crazies go into high gear on the threats again, I have MORE free advice for you on that. …….. IThink

H, if you simply jack up jock admission requirements to “real student” levels the next 66-0 score in Kenan will be reversed.  Idaho-ho-ho and Savannah State will be paying Bubba to come to Kenan and play whack-a-heel in front of an empty Blue Zone and more bare aluminum than Alcoa produces in a decade.

You were an outstanding student who was forever drinking deep from the Perian Spring of Knowledge. You read books and magazines without centerfolds.  You watch TV stations not named ESPN.  You actually listen to NPR and they don’t have a single sports-talk show.

I do some of those things too.  Not that stoopid NPR crap, and I don’t “read” books but I constantly listen to them.

If you were an incoming UNC undergraduate you would actually read that “recommended reading” propaganda “you people” send out.  You would reach out to  your assigned roommate and decide who will determine the color of the curtains and who gets the bed next to the radiator (do UNC dorms still have radiators?).  I have it on really good authority that Marvin and Donte Paige-Moss didn’t do any of that.

H, you are as totally out-of-place in their locker room as Marv and Donte et al are in your classrooms.  Big Time College FB & BskB are as out-of-place at a Ivy-wanna bee institution as sorbet at a Waffle House.

If God Almighty had ever intended such diverse entities to co-exist it was right after He created gnats and Gene Nichol….. and no one has ever figured out why He did those either.  You knew I’d take a shot at Gene.

If you want to “get rid of” Big Time FB & Bkb at UNC simply do away with all special exemptions for the athletes necessary to be competitive at ANY level on those playing fields and courts.  ZAP, you can do it as easily as Obama can issue an Executive Order giving every Gay Black Mexican Dwarf twelve votes apiece in November’s election…. but is that really what you want to do.  (I don’t mean the gay dwarf thing).

Do you really think The Clef Hangars can block those Florida State defensive ends?

Do you really think Roy can beat Presbyterian using “biscuit boys”?

Remember the mess when Roy put in the biscuit boys at Florida State last winter?  Do we want THAT thirty times/year?  Do we H?  Have ya caught my drift here H?

Before you get all froggy with your lame-duck mandates lets step-back off the Destroy The Heels ledge and look at some Plan Bs…. OK?

If you tell every high school student (“student” in the very broad sense) in America that in order to play football or basketball at Carolina he has to score 1,200 (or even 1,000) on his SAT and have a GPA that has “2” in front of the .0 and actually attend class AND sit there without listening to Jay-Z on his $200 Dr Drey headphones…. and then get a high % of correct answers on a test about something other than “what do you do if the cornerback is playing you tight?”….. well H if you do that The Fedoras are going to rent not buy and you are going to be as popular on Franklin Street as Coach K Appreciation Day @ Spanky’s.  In a few dark dank cyber clubhouses in TarHeelNation you already trail Coach K in “Likes”.

An InsideCarolina poll has Joe Biden beating you in a “dumber than a dust-bunny” contest.  That has to hurt.  But you know ol’ BobLee has never left your corner and, after two years of Internet Hell On a Soda Cracker I probably won’t.

IF, and it’s a pretty enormous IF, you can forsake your lifetime of “always veering Left at every fork in the road” I think we can get you through this minefield with all appendages still in tact.

There ARE versions of “create an academic tract for these sweating savants” that have a soupcon of integrity to it.   Hiding them in non-existant classes that even if they DID exist are totally worthless, was never a good plan.  We all seem to agree on that.

Now if we can all just agree where the apostrophe goes in Uncle Julius’ last name.  Nyang’oro is being bastardized worse than Doherty and Guthridge.  I digress.

The really really scary Marvins and Donte types are not going to be included in any plan.  They just aren’t.  They will go to Crips&Bloods Tech or MS13 A&M or wherever, but not on any campus without bars on the windows and guardhouses with 50 calibres sweeping the exercise yard…… Marv and Donte would solve your Rubik’s Cube with a sledge hammer.

That said….. if you back-off about six freckles and a frog hair I think we can make this work.  OK?

I really don’t care what you do with that Diversity Reparations Curriculum silliness.  I’m not going to force you to go cold-turkey on that foolishness because I know you can’t / won’t.  I might convince Art Pope to give you a bazillion dollars if you would, but hey…..  Your journey to CommonSense Ville will begin with baby steps.

I’m out of Internet space today.  I’ll continue this later….. a shameless ploy to snare 10,000 more unique views.

DO NOT sign any version of “I don’t want no real jocks on my campus” edict just yet.  BobLee has a plan.   Remember I was right about both Dickie and Tami.

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