In that last column – forever known as “The Bob Kennel Kolumn” – I noted his and my mutual Down East heritage. That served to remind me that it’s been awhile since I revisited a Genuine BLSays Classic from over a decade ago. Here ‘tis – Pretty Down East Wimmen. …… Is appreciation of lovely ladies that rare topic that transcends partisan chasms? Probably not; but I like it. …..
A recent reader reference got us thinking about Down East and a phenomenon long noted by aficionados of feminine pulchritude. ..A geographic area whose primary purpose is as a hurricane buffer for the more civilized Piedmont area of North Carolina; Down East has for generations raised and nurtured some of the prettiest wimmen on God’s earth. ..We’re not talking pretty girls. ..Every place has pretty girls. ..We’re talking Women! ..PDEW = Pretty Down East Women… BobLee has some theories.
First we define our area. I-95 is the Western boundary. It serves as a Great Asphalt Wall as well as a pipeline moving Yankees back/forth to Florida stopping only for a pecan log roll at one of several Stuckeys’.
Some may think the Atlantic Ocean is the Eastern boundary … not so. Down East stops about 30 miles west of any salt water … one then enters another region known simply as “da beach” … totally different set of demographics. The Va and SC borders further define “Down East”
Down East is dozens of communities ranging from 5,000 to 50,000 with most in the under 25,000 category. They have names like Wilson, Rocky Mount, Goldsboro, Kinston, “Little Washington”, New Bern, Greenville, Clinton, Smithfield, Jacksonville, Farmville, Ayden, Warsaw, etc etc.
What are my qualifications for discussing this phenomenon? BobLee grew up in the middle of it. I left it and can make relevant comparisons to Peachtree Street in Atlanta … Market Center in Dallas … The Plaza in Kansas City … Riverwalk in San Antonio … The Commons In Boston … et al. … I even dated a Kilgore Rangerette in Texas … I’ve served as a judge for a pro sports jiggle team competition. I can say that curve for curve, and winsome smile for smile Down East North Carolina Women take a backseat to No One NoWhere.
For the most part we are talking about high maintenance “elbow ornaments” sharing the last names of prominent attorneys, physicians, land barons, and multi-unit car/tractor dealers. PDEW are pretty much home grown. In China they wrap girls feet to keep them dainty … Down East they never let them beyond the Great Asphalt Wall of I-95. Young DE girls are told from birth horror stories of crime and traffic in Rawlee and “beyond”. There is no reason for a pretty DE girl to ever cross I-95 except, of course, for her “debut” at Rawlee’s Terpsichorean Ball. They blindfold’em for that and get’em back across the border ASAP.
There is a price that Down East pays for their preponderance of very attractive women … they also have a messa Un-pretty women. It’s an either/or. At some point in early adolescence a decision is made that certain girls get all-u-can-eat passes for the Golden Corral Potato and Dessert Buffet … others are assigned their own chaise lounges at the local country club pool. As they reach 15, 16, 17 the herd has been culled and branded.
Not all PDEW are spousally attached to “rich guys” … go to either Rocky Mount or Tarboro for instance. Walk into any dentists’ office to ask directions to the nearest Bojangles. I guarantee you 4 out of 5 receptionists will be 25-35 y/o and break ya heart pretty. The other one will be scary … you’ll know when you go. One of the pretty receptionists is single but having an affair with the dentist who has a PDEW at home none the wiser, except she’s having her own affair with the assistant golf pro at the club. Somehow it all works out OK.
Go to any Member-Guest Weekend at a Down East Country Club … any one. Count on 3 absolutes … (1) The band will be Embers Wannabes .. (2) They will play Proud Mary a minimum of three times … (3) There will be AT LEAST 8 Michelle Pheiffer, Morgan Fairchild look-alikes.
How do PDEW get that way? I have research on this. #1 is a lifetime of going to da beach almost every weekend … #2 is pouring salted peanuts in their Coca Colas … #3 is never finding out their value in the outside world. If a PDEW somehow gets to Rawlee or Greensboro much less Charlotte or Atlanta she learns she can get all kinds of flattering attention with nothing more than lip gloss and an ankle bracelet. Down East attorneys, physicians, land barons, etc do NOT like their PDEW to learn much about the outside world. Their copies of Southern Living are screened to exclude specific references to faraway places.
Oh, also, it’s genetic. You’ve heard if you find a baby bear in the woods, look out, her mom is nearby. If you see a PDEGirl (16-18) … count on a mid 40s PDEMom at home … AND a still fine looking 65-70 PDEGrandma not too far away too. They pass down the genes and the beauty secrets.
One of the worse mistakes a PDEW can make is not using an industrial strength sunscreen. Da Beach is wonderful for keeping a healthy glow and showing off the hard bod … but if the skin starts looking and feeling like saddle leather the PDEW better start looking for a divorce lawyer. Every 50 y/o PDEW knows there are two 25 y/o PDEW chomping at the bit to get her locker at the club. Of course, any decent Down East divorce lawyer knows that “pay her club membership for life” is standard text in the opening paragraph of any settlement. A PDEW without a local club membership is a desperate individual. Paunchy, bald and horny Down East chiropractors cruise for this particular category of damsel in distress.
PDEW who find themselves in a 40+ mid-life mess (i.e. incompetent divorce lawyer) usually move to Rawlee and study for their real estate license.
This column always will gets A LOT of “pass alongs”. All heterosexual male who has ever spent 48 hours “Down East” will absolutely agree with me. Every PDEW reading this knows every word is true too … they KNOW who they are too! I have the greatest admiration for PDEW. I think Stuckey’s should sell thimbles full of their bath water.
So long as a PDEW stays with SPF 30 and above and doesn’t go supersize w/ Bojangles’ seasoned fries, she can be the Princess Di of Lenoir County or wherever. Of course, being a former Kilgore Rangerette isn’t a bad life either.
It must be the letter “K”. How else to explain the manic mania generated by any Internet reference to Kardashian or Kennel. I knew The Kennel Klub had a large and enthusiastic membership, but even I was shocked by the seismic impact of “The Bob Kennel Kolumn”. Monday morning we put a pollster in The Brickyard for 45 minutes with pictures of Bruce Poulton, Karl Hess, Jim Knight, Peter Golenbock…. and a 3×5″ card with the words “Bob Kennel”. Only those two words on that 3×5″ card actually caused folks to go into conniption fits. We have the video.
A NEW FAVORITE AUTHOR – C. J. Box …. Ya gotta check out author C. J. Box and his Wyoming Game Warden Joe Pickett. “A game warden” doesn’t sound like a great premise for a literary hero but Joe and Mary Beth & the girls…. and Joe’s sidekick Nate (think Joe Pike!) get into as many hair-raising scrapes with bad guys as any rogue CIA agent. Check’em out.