If we have to chronicle this UNC Scandal crap, we’re gonna find the humor in it. BobLee brings smiles to the Intensive Care Unit where UNC’s academic integrity is hooked up to Life Support. WARNING: Teeth-grinders, hard cases and the beady-eyed bunch might want to skip today’s commentary.
#1 Q: Is ”this” a full-fledged CONSPIRACY yet?
A: Not until (1) Free Masons are picnicing in McCorkle Place….. and (2) the UNC BOT hold a summer retreat at a Rothschild chateau high in the Bavarian Alps?
#2 Q: Have otherwise intelligent people been quoted with incredibly foolish statements?
A: Besides me? Yes indeed. They probably will continue to.
#3 Q: Is “this” bigger than the Jimmy V Scandal?
A: Yes, It passed that historical comparison some time ago.
#4 Q: Is “this” bigger than John Edwards’ Scandal?
A: Not to John Edwards.
#5 Q: ….. bigger than Duke Lacrosse?
A: Not until Nancy Grace and Crystal Mangum chase Jennifer Wiley down Erwin Road with a butcher knife.
#6 Q: Should Kenan Stadium and Dean’s Dome be bulldozed and the ground salted?
A: That seems a bit extreme, but it has been suggested by some diners at Amedeo’s on Western Blvd.
#7 Q: Has “this” been handled well?
A: The only scandals that are handled “well” are the ones you never hear about.
#8 Q: Was all this a deep secret among 100 or so UNC staff and administrators?
A: Sure. A deep secret…. between 100+ people. Say that five times and see how silly it sounds.
#9 Q: Who will play Uncle Julius in the movie?
A: I vote for Cedric The Entertainer or Charles Barkley.
#10 Q: Who will play Marvin The Tweeter?
A: Whichever one of the above doesn’t get to play Julius.
#11 Q: How many current conference commissioners are UNC graduates?
A: Two, Swofford & Delany ?? – WRONG …. THREE – UNC’s Joe Bailey is the new interim commish for the Big East.
#12 Q: If we “throw all the bums out” what will we do then?
A: Find a new set of “bums”. UNC could do much worse than its current “bums”.
#13 Q: What are my thoughts on UNC Pres Tom Ross?
A: The poster boy for “totally clueless elitist goober”. I know of comments he has made off-the-record that are even stoopidier than the ones he makes on-the-record. I never thought I would say “more clueless than Molly Broad” but this catbird might qualify.
#14 Q: Will UNC ever “recover”?
A: Probably…. BUT neither Pompeii nor Carthage nor Atlantis did. Recovering from a disaster is NOT a given.
#15 Q: Was Julius Marvin Austin’s first “Julius”?
A: Nope. Marvin and his homies have benefitted from “Juliuses” since Jr High when their athletic skills were first recognized and catered to.
#16 Q: Will “this” spread into rampant speculation about UNC Basketball?
A: That was a given five minutes after Marvin’s first tweet.
#17 Q: Are Roy and Julius friends?
A: Roy only has three friends. One is named Ted. The odds that either of the other two is Julius are statistically zero.
#18 Q: Can we assume that every RoyBoy (other than a few biscuit boys) benefitted from Julius’ “easy A’s”?
A: Yes, we can assume that.
#19 Q: What about Karen Shelton’s Field Hockey girls?
A: No, they have Women’s Studies “easy A’s” that they use. Great Quotes By Bella Abzug and Castration 101.
#20 Q: What do you call colleges that do NOT have “easy A” courses?
A: Service academies
#21 Q: Is anything ELSE really silly going on at UNC?
A: You mean in addition to a freakin’ Muslim Iman giving this year’s Baccalaureate sermon? Thats about it for this week.
#22 Q: Is there a chance UNC will have to forfeit that Helms’ Thing from the 1930s?
A: OH NO, NOT THAT! Luckily the statute of limitations has run out on that one.
#23 Q: Will UNC have to give back any “cut nets”?
A: No, but Michigan is being given one more TO in 1992.
#24 Q: Any chance LT will have to give back his diploma?
A: Even if LT had one, who would try to take it from him?
#25 Q: What is a fair price for UNC to pay for this crap?
A: Credit 50 extra points on Chris Washburn’s SAT score…. and forfeit our last five FB games to State seems about right, don’t you think?
#26 Q: Does the UNC Faculty Council consider Academic Fraud to be “serious”?
A: The horror of UNC sports being affiliated with “Rush Radio” is SERIOUS to that bunch. Academic Fraud is little more than jaywalking…. to them.
#27 Q: Does this “even the score” from the V Scandal?
A: If you think so, you really don’t understand the whole “board monkey & lunatic fringe” concept?
#28 Q: Would I like to be on the BOG or BOT?
A: Sure, right after I get back from my upcoming cruise on the Titanic.
#29 Q: Does anyone on the BOT or BOG “have a clue”?
A: Absolutely. The handful that I know personally definitely DO. Q: Do I know Barbara “Is this hurting recruiting?” Hyde? A: No.
#30 Q: Am I still friends with Holden Thorp?
A: Of course. I don’t agree with the way he has handled certain aspects of this mess. I’m sure he doesn’t appreciate my public comments on certain aspects of this mess. But still friends? Sure. Do you desert your friends in tough times?
#31 Q: Do State fans have a right to be terminally paranoid?
A: Everybody has a right to be terminally paranoid…. and a right to piss into an oscillating fan. Why someone chooses to do either, I don’t know.
#32 Q: Why can’t they simply fire Julius?
A: The resultant civil rights lawsuit would cost more in legal fees than Butch was paid off. Al, Jesse AND Eric Holder would be on the steps of South Bldg within 30 minutes
Q: BL, are you kidding?
A: Serious as I can be. Julius WISHES they would try to fire him. “Firing him” is his “briar patch” (for you Uncle Remus fans)
#33 Q: Is Julius well-intended and being misunderstood?
A: No. Julius is a lying no-count sack of crap.
#34 Q: Will we see any more “firings” at UNC?
A: The last time someone was “fired” at UNC the firer received death threats. Not much of an incentive to repeat that experience.
#35 Q: Would it make any difference if Julius was white?
A: It would make him easier to pick out at an AfrAmerStudies faculty picnic.
#36 IN CONCLUSION…. Q: Is there ANYTHING any UNC spokesman could say, write or do re: this mess that mainstream hard-core ABCers are ever going to believe?
A: Not a damn thing. ….. why is that? In every fanbase in America 97% of fans are well within the spectrum of “normal”. They have families, responsibilities and two opposable thumbs. The remaining 3% are sociopathic mongoloids. In order to gin up totally ridiculous hatred for otherwise “normal” people one has to flip that 3-97% ratio in one’s mind. Ergo, “THEY are all (97%) a buncha…..” That is RivalLogic 101 and an Undeniable Truth of Life.
If you can’t accept RivalLogic 101 you should not get involved in sports, politics, beauty pageants or barbecue cook-offs.
EXTRA BONUS: Chris Hawkins (yes, THAT Chris Hawkins!) ARRESTED Wed in Kinston over a shooting. Lordy Lordy Lordy…..
Please pass this along to three types of people:
(1) Normal folks with reasonably ordered priorities.
(2) Hard case board monkeys with beady little eyes.
(3) Folks like you and me.