Who’s In Thelma & Louise’s Backseat?

July17/ 2011

If you’ve never seen the movie Thelma & Louise, I’ll have to set this up.  Before doing that I must apologize.   Someday we WILL get back to deviled-egg plates, tree houses, and extraordinary ordinary men …. someday.  I promise.  But not today!  Sigh, sob, sniff.

I must continue to provide chapter & verse on The Great Unpleasantness Amid Kenan’s Lofty Pines.  Info you won’t get anywhere else.  Why?  I’m just better at connecting dots with better sources, I guess.  And not blinded by partisan passion or partisan hatred.

This week the pins popped out of two loose hand grenades with predictable KA-BOOMS.   We’re getting close to UNC’s “Thelma & Louise Moment”!


In Thelma & Louise, Gena Davis and Susan Sarandon are on a road trip fleeing bad relationships.  At a roadhouse bar, Gena’s character is being raped by a redneck.  In desperation, she kills the lowlife.  In the moment, they decide to run rather than risk “justice” from local authorities.  Once “on the run” they commit other crimes to avoid being caught.  The chase ends with a convoy of police chasing them to the rim of The Grand Canyon.

Rather than give up and face years in prison, T&L hit the accelerator and fly off in to the canyon in a suicidal blaze of outlaw glory …. driving, coincidentally, a Light Blue convertible!   UNC, like Thelma & Louise, once had options; but they are down to a precious few.

“Who will be in UNC’s Thelma & Louise
when it goes over the cliff”?

The phrase “Marvin tweeted _____” has replaced “Duke Signs New Recruit“ as #1 “No No No” line for any Tar Heel alum / fan (even the WalMarters).  Nothing good happens when Captain Dreadlocks unholsters his deadly Tweeter.   Chaos and calamity spew forth in Mad Marv’s colorfully eubonic prose.

Whisper into Dickie’s ear “Marvin is tweeting” and Dickie will gnaw a hole in the carpet, crawl inside, curl into a fetal position and just whimper.  Who can blame him?

This latest round of Marv’s Tweets formally introduces us to “the beans” which Marv is now threatening to “spill”.  Yes we’ve always known there were plenty of “beans” in this sordid stew.   “We” does not include Dickie who doesn’t know beans about beans.  Mad Marv’s threat to “spill’em” has even the most radical Kenan Krazies (and Asst Coaches’ wives!) poised on the ledge ready to jump.   Dreams of Orange Bowls seem a looooong way off right now.  Huh!  Butch taking that Arkansas job three years ago seems a loooong way off now too.

NOTE:  Many of you write to me complaining that a number of UNC “monkey boards” do not permit ANY anti-Butch comments.  Why does anyone “with a life” visit those dreadful places?  That strategy ultimately backfired on the Soviet Union.

Mad Marv is upset that his posse member Michael McAdoo has been exposed as a Grand Plagiarizer on the scale of Ted Kennedy and Joe Biden.  Plagiarizing a paper on Swahili History (?).  REALLY Michael!  There has only been one paper even written on Swahili history …. and you copied it word for word.  DUH!

Too bad Michael McAdoo’s loquacious lawyer wasn’t representing Casey Anthony (or OJ).  No, I don’t know who pays Bad Boyz or Jenny Wiley’s legal fees.  That will all come out some day.  It will ALL come out eventually.

This creates a major problem for Butch’s academic coordinators (wink, wink).  Now they have to find an even easier eligibility major where they can hide his blue-chip “student athletes”.  African American Studies is now too difficult apparently.   Meanwhile out at Carolina Meadows, Kindly Ol’ Bill Friday weeps …..

Stuff You Won’t Learn Anywhere Else:

How many of you have been confused over why Butch’s Bad Boyz all get to “keep their scholarships” despite all sorts of embarrassing malfeasances?  I see a lot of hands going up out there.  I’m gonna tell you why right now.

UNC has something called The Carolina Covenant.  It is a “need-based scholarship program” established so that no student admitted to UNC ever has to worry about paying tuition ….. IF he or she is from a disadvantaged home situation.  Students who “qualify” are automatically in the program.   They don’t even have to apply.

Parents of middle-class kids struggling with rising tuition costs probably won’t understand this.  Tough noogies. Call your friendly neighborhood UNC Trustee and ask them to explain it.  I’m sure Barbara Rosser-Hyde or BOTBob Winston would love to chat with you.  Yes, I know your son is a 4.0 Eagle Scout with a 1400 SAT and he was Student Body President ….. mention that fact to Barbara or Bob.   Let us know what they say via Reader Comments.

For whatever reason ALL (100%) of Butch’s Bad Boyz are from disadvantaged home situation.  Yes, I know you noticed a similarity in those “dirty dozen” mug shots.  1,000s of you keep reminding me figuring, I guess, that I had not noticed.  I had.  ALL the Bad Boyz at Ohio State, Oregon, Auburn, etc etc etc are too.   Why that is a FACT is a column subject for another day.

There are two Top Ten BCS programs where “that” would not be “a fact” – Wisconsin and Stanford.  Why that is will be part of that same future column.

Ergo if a Butch Bad Boy (BBB) would have his Rams Club-endowed scholarship taken away, he would automatically be put on a Carolina Covenant “scholarship”.  People who contribute their $$$ to Carolina Covenant do so under the impression that deserving students will benefit, not miscreant thugs.   Conversely, Rams Club contributors simply want priority seating in Dean’s Dome.  So keeping a BBB on a Rams Club scholly is the lesser of two wastes of scholarship $$$.  Kinda makes sense …. in a wacky liberal academic sort of way.

In reality most of BBBs soon quit altogether since actually going to school was never part of the deal they signed up for with Butch & Blake.  McAdoo will never be a “student assistant coach” at UNC.  He is destined to be a back-up tackle for the Edmonton Eskimos or maybe a driver for the Swahili delegation at the UN.

I realize this is confusing, but it’s true.  The Carolina Covenant is not unique to UNC.  NC State has a very similar program.


A handy dandy reminder from your friendly Internet Legend.  If The BOT3 (Winston, Fulton, and Ellison) had had the cajones to do the right thing a year ago and NOT concoct the Silly Sgt Schultz Scam …. all this crap would not be happening.  UNC FB would already be a year into rehab/recovery instead of being festering roadkill along the NCAA highway.

Every scandal has a coward.  This one has three – The BOT3.

Yes, there would have been a hiccup in The Awakening of The Sleeping Giant but that’s going to be a BIG hiccup now.  Winston, Fulton and Ellison are hiding in the weeds now letting Dickie and Chancellor Thorp take all the slings and arrows.   Just silverspoon cowards protecting their all-important reputations.  All that really matters to their self-absorbed ilk.

Yes, Dickie and Holden COULD HAVE “just said no” to The BOT3 and resigned rather than be co-conspirators in the Sgt Schultz Cover-Up but they chose to acquiesce.  What would you or I have done in their situation?  It’s easy to be noble in hindsight but in the moment such decisions are never so easy.

As UNC pulls “a Thelma & Louise” soaring over the rim of the canyon in their suicidal blaze of glory, I want to believe The BOT3 will be sitting in the backseat getting what they deserve….. crashing and burning on the jagged rocks far below.


Hey, when you chat with Bob Winston about that Carolina Covenant thingie; ask Bob why he’s never invited Marvin to be his guest at Sunday Brunch at Carolina Country Club ….. or at The Yacht Club at Figure Eight Island.  I REALLY want to know how Bob answers that ….. don’t you?

YIKES …. in its first three hours, this column went HYPER VIRAL!  Who knew Thelma & Louise were so popular?

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