Apple Pie, Chevrolets & Scotty From Garner

May21/ 2011

Maybe cornier than Kansas in August ….. into a world going quite mad rides Scotty McCreery From Garner.

  I watch American Idol with the frequency that I change batteries in our smoke detectors – not very often.  But I’ve watched the past two weeks and will watch this week because of SCOTTY. ….  Imagine a goofy-looking 17 y/o, described as Alfred E. Neuman’s little brother, causing The Most Beautiful Woman On Earth per People Magazine to get lost in the background.

Scotty McCreery is one of the two finalists in this year’s American Idol.  The other finalist is Laverne & Shirley’s country cousin – Lauren from a North Georgia version of Garner.

Prince Scotty & Princess Lauren live in a mythical kingdom ruled by a benevolent (Dairy) Queen and (Burger) King.  It’s a VERY good thing.

To understand Scotty McCreery, you have to understand his home town – Garner NC – a part of our metro area.  Every Metro Area (SMSA) has “a Garner”.  In Atlanta, its College Park or May-retta.  In Dallas it’s Garland or Mesquite.  In Kansas City it’s Raytown.  Every Metro Area has a Suburban Snob Index.  Every area resident and real estate agent knows it.

On a 1-10 scale with 1 being da ‘hood and 10 being THE prestige zip code where “swells” like UNC’s BOTBob reside, the Garners nestle in at around 4-5.  Describe it however you like – blue collar – working class – small town – red-neck – et al.  I prefer Real People living delightfully in a 1960s time warp.

Friday Night Lights …. 4th of July parades …. covered-dish suppers ….. & Scotty. What Garner may lack in faux-pretentious “McMansions”, it more than makes up for as a living breathing Happy Days set.

Stop by the local Dairy Queen (Garner has a Dairy Queen AND a Sonic AND a shiny diner) and LOOK! – there’s The Beav and Wally and Eddie and Lumpy.  Look over there … it’s Richie, Potzie and Ralph Malph. And there in the middle of it all is Scotty McCreery…… living the dream.

If Miami of Ohio is the cradle of coaches then North Carolina is the cradle of American Idol.  Texas expects to have finalists in Miss America and Miss USA.  North Carolina expects to have Top Ten finalists in American Idol.  Scotty joins a growing list of Clay Aiken, Fantasia, Kellie, an Indian kid from UNC – Anook, and some rocker from The Sandhills.  But unlike his predecessors, Scotty has no quirky politically-correct “backstory” baggage.

Thank God, and pour me some Tom’s peanuts in my Coca Cola.  Speakin’ of “God”, Scotty and his family unabashedly believe in the same One I do.  Go figure!

Clay is “gay”.  Fantasia is “an unwed mother”.  Kelly is “an abused daughter of an alcoholic convict”.  The American Idol folks do love those quirky backstories to exploit.  Along comes Scotty From Garner.  

Scotty’s quirky backstory – he used to dress up as Elvis for Halloween and he’s the #3 pitcher on the Garner Trojans’ baseball team.  Oh, and his mom and dad ARE his Real & Official Mom and Dad – biologically and every other way there is.   No “step”.  No convicts.  No trailer park.

A year ago Scotty was stocking shelves at a local grocery store.  Now he’s getting hugged by J-Lo and is assured of Nashville glory akin to fellow AI alum – Carrie Underwood.

I wanna be Scotty when I grow up.

How powerful is Scotty Magic?  My very Democrat friend “BK” invited me to an NC State baseball game last week where Scotty would throw out the first pitch.  Rain cancelled the game but the fans were there for Scotty.  For one brief shining moment a right-wing extremist and a uber-liberal loonie stood side-by-side cheering as a long limo drove alongside Doak Field; with Scotty in the backseat flashing wuffie finger thingies with both hands to fans lining the street.

Did you know that 5,000 11-year old girls all squealing at once can indeed shatter glass?  I was there.  I saw it.  And I’ll be glued to our 38″ HD on Tuesday as Scotty From Garner goes for The Gold. …… but Kid won’t be.

Kid was pulling for Haley – the raspy blues singer from Chicago.  Haley was eliminated this past week.  I offered to send Kid a Scotty’s Hottie t-shirt if she would wear it Tuesday night.  ….. “Dad, don’t!”


Randy “Macho Man” Savage died Friday in a car crash.  Now reunited for eternity with the lovely “Miss Elizabeth”.

Call it coincidence if you wish but I say it’s apocalyptic.  24 hours earlier, ConAgra had announced the closing of its local Slim Jims plant.  Coincidence or Apocalyptic – you decide.

Two guesses where that ConAgra Slim Jims plant is located?  (see above story!)


A year after NCAA investigators first arrived in Chapel Hill ….. they’re baaaaack.  Yet another Butch Boy has stuck his tongue on a frozen flagpole.  Highly-rated NFL prospect Quinton Couples attended a post NFL draft party in DC along with Marv The Tweeter and other assorted notorious Butch Boys.  Ya probably shouldna done that Quinton.

Prince Tassel Loafer, of course, was promptly shoved out to obfuscate the obvious with his patented BaddourBabble.  UNC holocaust-deniers might buy it; but no one else will.

I can’t do this mess justice any better than our longtime amigo – “AgentPierce” – in an N&O comment forum. …. Quote “AP”:  “My alma mater is behaving like a man who is rapidly going bald.  Rather than simply admit it, he resorts to ridiculous “comb-overs” that make the hair loss even more obvious and absurd.  ….”


On the subject of UNC ….. I hope I don’t hurt more than I help by officially endorsing Jones Angell to replace Woody Durham as UNC’s next “voice of”.  Jones is “a good guy” and is no younger than Woody when he took over.  Jones is a washed-in-the-blood C-blue homer stepped in Tar Heel lore.  Those are big positive in that position.

Radio “voice ofs” are not as critical to a college sports program as they once were but it is still important to the entrenched faithful.  I’m sure a BobLee endorsement of Jones will carry tremendous weight with BOTBob and his effete cronies. (??)


 Speaking of coincidence …. The daughter of Clay Aiken’s choral director at local Leesville Road High School is Scotty’s choral director at cross-county Garner High School.


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