Panjandrums of Windbaggery

March01/ 2011

What’s with these waaaay far-out extremist demagogues?   Castro, Quadaffi, Chavez, Hitler, Mussolini, Kim Jung Il and, of course, Calypso Louie Farrakhan ??  These loquacious whack-jobs lock onto a live mic and treat it like an all-day sucker.  They chew on a microphone like a lion chowing down on a wildebeast.


Calypso Louie went 4+ hours this past weekend predicting that his brand of religo-anarchy would soon wipe out our decadent society.  Quite Mad Muhammar aka “The Libyan Strongman” did six hours last week in which he read the entire Tripoli phone book and recounted every detail of every summer vacation he ever took.  These are not just “stem-winders”.  These are assaults on sanity.  Not the sanity of El Screecho .  Their sanity tank went bone dry decades ago.

That neither Louie nor Muhammar have even a toe in the sanity puddle makes their podium pounding marathons interesting simply for the “wow, he is nutz” factor.   There is a certain wow factor to witnessing one of these Energizer Bunny Buffoons screaming incoherently in a pig latin tagalogue dialect under a blazing Caribbean or North African sun.

NOTE:  Muhammar is pulling The Rumplestiltskin Gambit.  He refuses to step down as “Strongman” until two consecutive media sources spell his name the same way.

I get antsy if a Sunday sermon hits the 20 minute mark and the phrase “in conclusion” hasn’t been uttered.  When my chosen vessel to deliver The Word passes 30 minutes and he’s on Point #2 of Five Ways To Sneak Past St Pete, I might find relief with a round of Angry Birds on my iPhone.  Such a short attention tolerance is a personal maturity shortcoming on my part.  There is likely still meat on the bone that is being chewed from the pulpit, but my hunger for it dissipates.

It’s a good thing I’m not a mind-numb disciple of the afore-mentioned long-winded loonies.  Their faithful followers are often surrounded by AK-47 totin’ guards put there specifically to keep the sheep from straying from the pontificating shepherd.  Threat of a bullet to the brain or six years in solitary inspires one to feign attention.

Ever notice that the audience has to stand the whole time on cobblestones while the babbling buffoon is usually under an awning with NFL sideline fans keeping

Have NFL Sideline fans to keep cool.

him cool.  If your country is taken over by one of these medals-bedecked freaks, the first thing they do is clear a big public square where they can round-up 20,000 peasants and show the world how much their drugged-up drones love to listen to them babble.

Maybe it’s a Papal Complex.  Pilgrims flock to the Vatican and the Pope comes out on his little balcony, smiles, waves his hand and says something about “love the little children” being careful not to mention pedophilic priests in the same sentence.   Popes are usually kind of frail guys lacking the stamina of a machete wielding warlord.  Papal Sermons never require the cadre of AK-47 wielding crowd controllers either.

I don’t know if Popes have speech-writers but the warlords, strongmen and dictators-for-life don’t need them.  They simply screech for 4+ hours.  There are always catchy phrases involving “Infidels” and “Day Of Reckoning” and lots of personal pronouns ….. “I” ….. “Me” ….. “Mine” ….. “My”.   Babbling buffoons with AK-47 wielding bodyguards are really big on using personal pronouns a lot.

Yes, a certain radio-talker does three hours a day …. but with 18 commercial breaks, no cobblestones and not one AK-47 persuading anyone to keep listening.

There are 584 words in this column so far.  It’s taken you maybe 3-4 minutes to read to here.  I’m already antsy that I’m losing you.  I doubt I’d make a decent Banana Republic / Middle East dictator.   There’s a worthwhile axiom in the speaking bidness.  If you don’t have much to say, don’t take too much time to say it.  

Two “things I’d like to see” as regards the above:

(1)    One of his posse sneak up behind him in mid-rant and do a “rabbit-ears” finger thingy as the BBC cameras zoom in.  That posse member would be gator-bait within five minutes but it would be classic I think.

(2)    Some enterprising technoid promoting “SmartPhones For Drones”.  Collect old model iPhones, Androids, etc and download Angry Bird apps on’em.  Then ship them to these LoonieLands so the drones forced to stand on the cobblestones in the noonday sun while El Presidente screechs can have the same opportunity I have as a captive audience member.

Incidentally, Calypso Louie is predicting “A Day of Reckoning” either next Tuesday or a week from Friday or maybe it has something to do with the NFL Players’ Union.   Louie usually leaves himself plenty of wiggle room.


Yes, I noticed “that woman” sitting behind Gary Williams at the UNC v Md game.  YIKES!  And what was Former UN Ambassador John Bolton doing there?  Hey Holden, how about inviting Dana Perino next.


Duke Snider and Jane Russell both died this week.  Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died in the same week too.  Lots of people die in the same week but darn few of them have obituaries containing the phrase “frontal amplitude”.  Jane Russell’s did.

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