We all agree – for pure unadulterated Spectatoring …. Big Time College FB cannot be beat. It’s having to close one eye and hold your nose that’s getting cumbersomer and cumbersomer. BobLee doesn’t whine and complain. BobLee proposes SOLUTIONS.
To Save Big Time College FB From Itself
“Here’s a blank check and a blank rule book.
Put on a Great Show, Vince!”
Vince McMahon took Pro Wrestling from a niche carny act to sold-out arenas and stadia to the masses “in over 44 countries” admitting “We Are Sports ENTERTAINMENT”. He added skanky T&A, lots of pyro …. and balsa wood furniture.
“Believe what you see is real …. or suspend belief and scream like your hair is on fire. I don’t care. Just spend lots of $$$ on all this.”
(A key component in Pro Wrestling is Good vs Evil …. our heroes versus their no-good low-life thugs. College FB already has that silliness down pat.)
Vince’s Business Plan:
Job One: Replace that gawdawful term “student athlete” with “stud stallions and headhunting psychos”.
Job Two: Cheerleaders unis will be a 12” square of spandex to wear however they please. The 12” square would, of course, be in the school colors.
Job Three: ADs, Chancellors and Fat Cats will roam the sidelines dressed in zoot suits carrying canes and ax handles. Encountering representatives of opposing teams they will beat each other senseless with the canes and ax handles.
Job Four: Referees wearing wraparound RayBans will conveniently look away when a headhunting psycho horsecollars a stud stallion inside the Red Zone. Taunting and goofy end zone dances will be mandatory. Failure To Taunt will result in loss of a player’s headphones.
Job Five: A rivalry game will have a 10’ barbed wire fence circling the playing field. Both teams carry straight razors. Losers have their heads shaved, hand over their girl friends to the victors and agree to leave the state for six months. A team beaten by more than 30 points must hold lighted matches and try to correctly spell the name of their school. Otherwise, they are given a high ankle sprain and must hand over their GED.
Job Six: Every player on a two-deep depth chart will drive a showroom fresh Escalade with his Fat Cat sponsor’s name in NASCAR-sized letters on each quarter panel.
Job Seven: Player interviews will include “Our Bob Winston – Roger Perry – Paul Fulton /Wachovia Tar Heels really showed our athleticism today and played really well “in space”. ….. If asked what ‘in space’ means? They must say something.
Job Eight: Each stud stallion or brain dead headhunter’s GPA will be ever how high he can count without moving his lips or using his fingers or toes. The use of an “uncle” to assist in “what comes after two?” will not be allowed.
Job Nine: Team entrances must include lots of pyro, at least three midgets and/or something like this ……
Job Ten: Replace the BCS system with an eight-team Battle Royal. The eight teams to be decided by text-voting thru Rivals and Scout.com. All eight teams will meet on The Verrazano Narrows Bridge on New Years Day and start flinging one another into the Hudson River. The last deep-snapper and/or nickel back left on the bridge will get to be first in line at Erin Andrews’ next Marriot peep-show ….. or a Black Diamond watch courtesy of Big Daddy The South Beach Bling Bling King.
Big Time College Football in the Cecil Newton Era is now officially declared as “legit” as Jo Jo The Dog-faced Boy in the carnival sideshow. With Vince McMahon in charge the words rampant hypocrisy can be replaced with HELL YEAH and nobody has to hold their nose any more.
“This is Gordon Solie saying so long from the Great Peach State o’ Georgia ….. “
HokieNation has figured out The Great Bowl Ticket Scam. VT AD Jim “Yes Frank” Weaver will be eating 10,000 low-level obstructed view end zone tickets. Want some mustard on those, Jim?
UConn fans have considered their options of (1) Buying way over-priced low level, obstructed view end zone seats for their Fiesta Bowl clobbering by Oklahoma …. or (2) staying home and sorting their sock drawers. In 90% of cases, the sock drawers are winning ….. which Randy’s Huskies definitely won’t.
Every reader comment has to be Approved before you can view it. In six months we’ve zapped 2. Several of you commented when I was buzz-bombed recently by a very impassioned partisan fellow. Why did I Approve this guy’s blowtorch assault?
Because : (1) 97% of your comments are quite rational albeit not always in agreement with my admittedly provocative offerings. ….. (2) Most of you don’t frequent fan forums. By posting blowtorch guy’s rant you saw a typical slice of what they do all day long.
Notable Quote: Big Ten Commissioner (and Art Chansky’s friend) Jim Delany on the recent naming of the two divisions of The New Big Ten – Leaders & Legends ….. “With any such announcement the best you hope for is 90% approval. 90% DISapproval on this one is causing us to rethink our choices.”