Controversifying & Conspiratosis

November25/ 2010

This is a No B-word Column.  While I do appreciate the worldwide response to “Losers Say Deal” and “Friday”, I must address other issues of lesser cultural significance.  Will I discuss Bu***  again in the future?  You betcha!

Controversifying:   It’s The New Millenium.  The essence of Sport is now water cooler controversy.   One could make a case that The National Past Time is “water cooler controversifying”.   Scoreboards don’t matter much any more.  Whoever wins the on-field / on-court scuffle must re-compete many times over in post-game rehash.  Those epithet-laced verbal bloodbaths are all played to a stalemate with never a bona fide winner.

Controversifying ends up in more ties than World Cup soccer.

Nothing so personifies this as The BCS Controversy.  OK, EXCEPT maybe – Is it right for Michael Vick to be NFL MVP?  No convicted felon has ever won it.  BobLee says It’s OK because Vick did serve his time.  Philip Rivers winning it would resolve that controversy …. sort of.  Every black sportwriter will then scream “racism” but they all do anyway so lets give it to Philip.

Oregon vs Auburn vs TCU vs Boise vs Mount Union .   Why does everything have to have a clearly defined “winner”?  Greatest Bond Girl Ever ?

Honor Blackman HANDS DOWN!

If we can’t all agree it was Honor Blackman hands down then how can we expect to weigh the merits of three different polls, a Sagarin rating plus all the folks who phoned in votes for Bristol Palin?

If you will have difficulty sleeping after the final buzzer of the Mythical BCS Championship because the National Champion question was not adequately resolved your craw of issues is either way too limited or way too large.  Flush your craw and start over.

Over 300 Cambodians were killed recently in a human stampede during “a water festival”.   I’m not saying that should be more important than a college football playoff except maybe in Phnom Pen.   Phnom Pen has never hosted ESPN GameDay.

Any issue that is determined by a blue-ribbon panel or by you the fans is terminally flawed because everyone knows blue-ribbon panels are composed of stuffy old fuddy duddies …. and “you the fans” are afflicted with fat cat Conspiratosis – the bone-deep conviction that everything is manipulated by a conspiratorial cabal of the ancestors of legendary UCLA sugar daddy Sam Gilbert, Free Masons …. or UNC J-school alumni.  Case-in-point a current Internet burner that former UNC basketballer Wayne Ellington took a pay cut when he signed his NBA contract.

Durham’s Maceo Sloan, Jimmy V’s MacGregor Downs Mafia or Auburn’s Bobby Lauder may be substituted in your personal fat cat conspiracy.  As with all conspiracies, only 50% are true and almost never the ones involving your most hated rival.  Spread them anyway because “like dogs licking themselves”  you can.

I don’t like watching games on Boise’s blue turf (or teams wearing green uniforms!) but there are a lot of other things I don’t like watching even more.   “That guy that played Doogie Hauser” or David Spade makes my Don’t Watch list.

Long live The BCS Controversy.   I miss The Poulan Weedeater Bowl.

Mayan Calendar Update:  Those of you concerned about The Mayan Calendar prediction of the world ending in 2012 – Be VERY Afraid.  On the 17th stone tablet under Montezuma Says there is reference to UNC Super Coaches Anson Dorrance, Karen Shelton and Ol’ Roy will all three lose in the same weekend.   Mayan debunkers have long based their debunking on the absolute impossibility of that ever happening.   It just did.   Now the only thing stopping the giant asteroid careening thru space towards Stonehenge is Krzyzewski never passing Dean ….. uh oh – DUCK!

I will not be at The Wally this Saturday.  If you are; definitely check out those INCREDIBLE Restrooms on the visitors’ side.  Really, I’m serious.

An autographed copy of my book to the first reader to send me an authenticated quote from a CaroLoon that “beating Mississippi State in the Cracker Barrel Bowl is lots more important than ever beating NC State.”  At least 36 Tru-Blue nitwits will post that absurdum in the weeks to come.

Get A Mop ! A whole lot of buzz abuzzing that “Look At Me” Marvin is about to spill his beans in a Gooey Tell All to a prominent cable network.  Better get a mop and a bucket.

Speaking of Do Watch – You MUST WATCH Human Target on Wednesday night.  Season Two is starting out even better than Season One.  It’s better than Burn Notice and CSI-Miami and Lie To Me.

In that vein ….. NCIS Los Angeles is closing fast on the original NCIS but Leroy Jethro Gibbs is still Da Man.   Did I tell you that I recently received a personally autographed “to BobLee” 8×10 from Special Agent Gibbs his so-cool ownself?  I did; courtesy of a Lupine relative of a Hollywood mukety-muck pal of Mark Harmon.  I framed it beside my personally autographed pic of Emily Proctor aka “Calleigh Duquesne” of CSI-Miami.

Big Changes afoot for Stand & Declare
Stay tuned.  Details forthcoming. 
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