How Much Homework Can One Dog Eat?

November10/ 2010

High Plains Grifter ?  A “grifter” is a swindler, con-man, cheat.  Auburn Alabama’s nickname is the loveliest village on the plains.  I’ve never associated lower Alabama with plains.  I’ll take their Chamber of Commerce’s word that the area topography is plains-like.

Taking Cam Newton, his posse, and Gene Chizik’s word on his sterling character and academic integrity involves a bit more stretching.  Ex-UNC Footballer & Tweeter Extraordinaire, Marvin Austin, has tweeted his full support of the embattled Newton.  If Marvin’s endorsement affects your opinion, so be it.

The SEC is as catty a bunch of grinnin’ backstabbers as TriDelts vs Kappas during Rush Week.  Other than Vandy’s nerdy Commodores, every SEC fan base would sell its gridiron brethren to a Sudanese slave trader for a thimbleful of Erin Andrews’ bathwater.  This is the same SEC that gave us such phrases as:

“It ain’t cheatin’ unless you get caught.” 

“If you ain’t cheatin’ you don’t want to win bad enuff.”  

“A source” has released what appears to be a bottomless pit of Newtonian transgressions.   Ranging from the predictable “there were illegal payoffs involved in Cam’s recruiting” ( DUH) to the predictable “Cam cheated a bunch of times while at Florida” (DUH again).  SEC lunatic fringes merit a lot of DUHs.

Could these Newton allegations be pure Internet BS created by one rival board monkey with a modem and a mouse?  “Pure Internet BS”  GADZOOKS!  Say it ain’t so Shoeless Joe.

The degree to which one believes these allegations is remarkably similar to how much one believes Butch didn’t know nuthin’ about Blake.   Bad news about your school is ALWAYS BOGUS.  Bad news about your rival’s school is JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.

YOUR student athletes’ accused of the slightest malfeasances is A BIG FAT LIE.   A rival’s thugs finally being nabbed red-handed of the worst crimes imaginable is WELL, ITS ABOUT TIME.

These rules are ironclad and as predictable as hot summers in Phoenix.  Goggle-eyed goobers don’t see the humor of course.  I hope some of you do.  This abject foolishness is why I scoff at anyone who takes sports (or Joe Biden) seriously.

Regardless of where you fit along the nutty fan spectrum, only the most birdbrain War Eagle doesn’t smell a whiff of “eau de skunk” in the Cam Newton Mess.   The immediate retort

BUT Cam’s daddy is a PREACHER!

by War Eagle loyalists is the ubiquitous “so what ….. everybody does it” followed by the oldies “Cam’s meemaw died” and “The dog ate Cam’s homework”.  There is also “But … Cam’s daddy is a preacher!”

Auburn has a long slimey history of high-rollin’ Buddy Garrity booster-types flaunting their disregard for all NCAA regulations.  ANYTHING to stem the Tuscaloosa Tide.  Sam Gilbert Lives!

These allegations went viral as Newton’s Heisman stock soared and Florida’s and now Alabama’s BCS hopes soured.   “Soaring” and “souring” are always good early indicators of “s*** is about to hit the SEC fan”.

I tend to believe the basic allegations about War Eagle(Scout) Newton.  Another good indicator is how much word parsing an indignant Gene Chizik, employed in his predictably indignant public statements.  Chizik used a string of puffy plaudits about Cam’s character carefully avoiding denying the actual allegations.

There is a rule of thumb for a defense attorney with a “sure, he done it” client.  If the facts are in your favor use’em.  If not, avoid them at all costs.  Use fluffy adjectives rather than nouns and verbs.   Chizik went fluffy.


Other than “Hey look at Me” Marvin tweeting his way into this one; does this have any relevance to UNC’s Great Unpleasantness?

Way back yonder in August, Tru-Blues staggered in shock as the first wisps of unpleasantry wafted from amid Kenan’s lofty pines. The Chancellor – Holden Thorp made a very insightful statement.

“Big Time Football is a hazardous undertaking”

A decision not to be made lightly and one with likelihood of dire consequences.  ‘Tis an odious swamp afoul with dichotomy and situational ethics.  Traditional standards of honesty and sound business practices are discarded with a blind eye and a pompous arrogance.

“If you ain’t cheatin’, you don’t want to win bad enuff”
•    30 Florida Gators arrested / arraigned in the past 5 years.
•    10 Georgia Bulldogs arrested / arraigned in the past 6 months.
•    Cam Newton was paid, cheated blah blah ……
•    Anonymous Tutors …..
•    Sneaky Agents …..
•    Diamond Watches …..
•    Amid the color and pageantry …. sigh, sob, sniff.

Loonie War Eagles are doing the same bob and weave about Cam Newton that loonie Trojans did with Reggie Bush.  Even the most naïve of partisan fans might ask …….

“How much homework can one dog eat ?”




UNC QB from the mid 60s 

…. Dashing Danny (Talbott) The Rocky Mount Rocket  is facing his toughest opponent.  One of the State of North Carolina’s most legendary Chip Hiltons – Danny is battling bone cancer.  The prognosis is encouraging but your prayers and kind thoughts are appreciated.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x