A Double Humdinger Day

November07/ 2010

I saw Two Humdingers on Saturday – one in person at The Wally and one in HighDef in my living room from Tallyhassy.  For pure spectatorial enjoyment of the gridiron persuasion it’s hard to imagine a better pair of back-to-back games.

Why was I at The Wally?  I went with two amigos whose company I find a real joy  –  “The Coach” Bucky Waters and “The Prince” Albert Long.  The game was one for the ages.  We woulda had a grand time regardless.  We always do.

This was my first visit to The Wally since the Great Restroom Renovation of ’09.  Long time BLS readers recall my infamous campaign to upgrade the old dilapidated Quonset hut with the ankle-deep viscous liquid left over from The Rose Bowl during the ’40s.  Well let me tell you, The Vice President of Restrooms At The Wally deserves one resounding SAAA-LUTE.

What was once barely a notch above the open sewers of Calcutta has been transformed into THE Gold Standard of Stadium Restrooms on The Planet.  If The Cutcliffe Era never revives the glory days of Bill Murray, it will have left its mark for eternity with this palatial facility.  All that is lacking is a Peruvian midget in full livery handing out warm scented hand towels and squirts of Pinaud Clubman.  I spent many years in the 5-star hotel biz and know a bit about fancy restrooms.  Ritz Carlton could take notes from The Wally Wade Watercloset.

With Wally’s restrooms now world-class, we can turn our attention to Wally’s anemic concession operations.  Paraplegic snails move faster than the concession lines at The Wally.

In pre-Cutcliffe years it may have been preferable to queue up in a shuffling line to nowhere, but now Coach Dave’s point-a-minute Devils can ring up 30 large while one trades 45 minutes minimum of one’s life in exchange for a bag o’ mini-donuts and lukewarm coffee.  Like many stadia, The Wally uses local church groups and charities to man their concession stands with a portion of the proceeds going to the organizations for their labors.  The primary stipulation in having one’s group involved is that no one (1) has the ability to make change …. (2) has ever done anything like it before ….. (3) does not handle the slightest pressure very well ….. (4) possess absolutely zero sense of urgency whatsoever.

A few frustrated folks in the mini-donut queue were building up a head of belligerent steam at the gross inefficiency of that operation.  For me, of course, it was pure 100% column fodder gold.

Totally inept humanity is a wonder to behold.

Humanity at its most abject ineptness is a wonder to behold.  If you’re ever near the Jehovah’s Witness Lodge Hall in Creedmoor think twice about asking for directions or trying to buy a mini-donut.

“The Coach” Bucky Waters did not deny why Duke is now Duke and no longer Trinity.  There are not enough members of the Duke Marching Band to spell out Trinity even using lower case letters.   If two Samoan tuba players get sick they may have to be MIT at least for pre-game festivities.

I’ve seen Duke play in person twice this year.  They scored over 100 points and 1,000 yards of offense.  Leo Hart has offered to buy me a season ticket as their good luck charm.  Duke 55 – UVA 48 tells you defense was as non-existant as France in WW2.

Bucky, Albert and I took turns being recognized by total strangers that none of us had the slightest clue who they were.  One fella told Albert he vividly recalled him addressing their high school assembly in Yazoo City in ’71 and telling them the story of Moses being swallowed by the whale on the Road to Damascus.   

The weather was ideal Fall Footbally – the game was a thrilla – the company was MAHvelous.  Wish ya’ll could have been with us.


Meanwhile in Tallyhassy:  OK, Carolina married a stripper, so?  That does not dampen the Humdingiousity of yesterday’s game.  Fans might be appreciating that marrying a stripper has some definite advantages once you get beyond certain societal mores.

Yesterday was one heck of an enjoyable football game.  You cannot dial up a more exciting finish.  Dwight Jones’ receiving yardage has surpassed his SAT score; but what difference does that make?  Really?

Is this T.J. Yates doing a Peyton Unitas Montana impersonation the same T.J. all the C-blue board monkeys used to hate with the intense passion now directed at me?  I do believe it is.

Those who enjoyed decades of make-believe in The Carolina Way, in spite of innumerable repudiations of same, might consider the circumstance of this stripper with very impressive assets.  One can make a big whoop-de-doo over whether or not the stripper’s assets are legit or simply appreciate that they are indeed impressive.

Acknowledging that UNC’s stripper has impressive assets; one can enjoy those impressive assets in action; and/or pass moral judgment on their legitimacy.  It’s an individual’s option. I’m doing both.

Speaking of strippers …. did you know that Raleigh has a for real hard-core porn star.  Her professional name is Brandi Love.  Despite sternly recommending that you NOT,  98% of you are going to google “Brandi Love” (BE VERY VERY CAREFUL!) and wonder – Is this the first column ever to include Dwight Jones, Albert Long, Bucky Waters, Leo Hart, Butch Davis, Brandi Love, The Jehovah’s Witnesses of Creedmoor….. and Moses being swallowed by a whale.

Yes it is.

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