Look Homeward Heels

September05/ 2010

BREAKING NEWS :  John Blake has resigned effective immediately …. TarHeelNation looking for a Bastille to Storm.  Board Monkeys arranging deck chairs on The Titanic. ….. The following column was posted PRIOR to Blake’s resignation but still appropos.

Sept 5, 2010:  Add a new classification of Carolina sports fan.  Carolina already had more fan types than there are sticky-floored bars on Franklin Street.  We have the Arrive Late/Leave Earlys … the ChooChoos ….  the JustBasketballers …. the “real fans” (aka goggle-eyed loonies) … the sidewalk alumni and, of course, our lovable Wal-Marters.

There are also the – Like BobLees.  “Like” as in similar, not “like” as in worship, adore and trust explicitly.  There are those too … growing as fast as Christian Conservs willing to overlook Mitt being a Mormon.  “Like BobLee” fans enjoy the color and pageantry of major college football but realize that 93% of the players in uniform have no business on a college campus without a tool belt.

Now add the “Gave up early last night” category.  If you gave up early vs LSU you won’t understand some of the comments coming from the “didn’t give up early last night” bunch.  Around 11:45 PM EDT on Sept 4 the ongoing unpleasantness got even more perplexingly confusing – if that is possible.

How bad did it get last night?   It got soooo bad that .… towards halftime Brent & Herbie were joking with Erin whether any of the ladies stylin’

Chancellor Thorp = ONE Time vs Marvin The Tweeter = SIX Times !!!

in the stands with Maavin looked like Beyonce (that’s Be-yon-say, Brent).  ESPN/ABC cameras showed Chancellor Holden Thorp ONE TIME but showed Maavin The Tweetin’ King of South Beach a total of SIX TIMES.

Yes, we all noticed that Marv, like Butch, doesn’t do Carolina Blue.  In Marv’s case thats probably preferable these days.  As far as  Butch not “getting it”, who really cares any more?

Each time the national TV cameras focused on Maavin The Tweeter, the EMTs at Carolina Meadows rushed to Kindly Ol’ Bill Friday’s room with those cardiac paddles.  KOB did survive the night but it took three dozen nitroglycerine pills and Mrs Friday whispering in Bill’s ear “I think you’re right honey.  Who cares what Bob Winston thinks?”.  More about UNC’s McQueen Campbell later.

Speaking of Erin Andrews ….. CUT YOUR DAMN HAIR, ERIN!  I get that Erin has jumped the shark to become the central focus of any event she attends.  Formerly the #1 lust object of the Clearasil generation (and hotel peepers), Erin has a celebrity Q factor between Elin Nordgren Woods Nordgren and Rielle Hunter.  Once the tutor is outed, she may rival Erin at least around The Triangle.  Regardless, CUT YOUR DAMN HAIR, ERIN or wear Daisy Dukes and Candies so we focus on your gams and not your Moonbeam McSwine trailer park tresses.

The depleted Heels, led by the Baddourishly beleaguered T. J. Yates, staged a dramatic 4th quarter comeback to capture the moral victory in the Chick-fil-A Kickoff Game.  LSU officially won the game but effigies of winning coach Les Miles are being used as “gator bait” on the bayou while Butch Davis received hugs, kisses and mucho love from the aforementioned Bob Winston.

Bob Winston is Charlie Winston’s son and currently the Primo Dude of UNC’s Board of Trustees (BOT).  The BOT is Holden Thorp’s board.  The Board of Governors (BOG) is Erskine’s board.  Bob is a dashing fella, no doubt an Eagle Scout…. and fast becoming UNC’s “McQueen Campbell”. 

McQueen Campbell aka “Howdy Doofus”, you may recall, was the son of a wealthy supporter of The Easleys who was given the title of NC State’s BOT Big Cheese so he could give Queen Mary a bogus $180,000 job as speaker booker.  When Mary Mess got really really messy, McQueen started blurting out really really stoopid comments and, first thing ya know, was persona non grata on The Brickyard.  McQueen is now managing one of Daddy’s convenience stores in Elizabethtown.

Every scandal goes thru predictable stages.  My favorite stage is the “He Said WHAT?” stage.  The current unpleasantness in Chapel Hill appears to be entering that stage now.  Oh Goody.

Every scandal has a “He Said WHAT?” stage.  That is why scandal investigators appear to drag their feet for several weeks and nothing seems to be happening. Something IS happening ….  Otherwise rational people tangentially involved in the scandal start to swell up with an uncontrollable urge to bite the head off a microphone and outdo each other in making incredibly unnecessary foolish statements “on the record”.

Reporters call such people “self-important airheads who always say stoopid stuff”.  Reporters LOVE them more than Obama loves muslims.

Bob Winston was part of the Fat Cat Troika who hired Butch.  Some of you want to blame Dickie because …. he’s Dickie.  It was BOTBob and his buddies what done the deed.

Bob Winston became UNC’s “McQueen” on Friday with the following blurt:

“I think we have the right guy as our coach,” Winston said. “I feel that Butch Davis is going to take a look at what’s happened and will figure the best way to move forward. And I think he is committed to building this program in a way that will reflect the values of the University of North Carolina.”…. 

BOTBob has now (1) effectively handcuffed Chancellor Thorp … (2) added a juicy dessert to the all-you-can-eat buffet that slobbering Wuffs can gorge themselves on … and (3) replaced Dumplin’ bagman Rusty Carter as most embarrassing UNC BOT member of the past year or so.

Thanks to BL Buddy TVass for this paraphrase:   BobLee, it reminds me of another silverspoon executive who, in the midst of a crisis, felt compelled to say  “Good job, Brownie”.


Attaboy to the much maligned T.J., his buddy Zack, and the rest of the Heels in uniform vs LSU who, if they are also taking academic shortcuts, are at least not bragging about it on Twitter.

It’s OK to be a “Football is REALLY REALLY important to us” university.  There are a large number of such institutions.

It’s OK to be a “We strive to be almost as freakin’ wonderful as we think we are” university.  There are a number who go that route…..   But you can’t have your BCS cake and eat your “elite” too.

Do we now know why Butch didn’t run off to Arkansas?  Did Bob Winston promise him he could have Arkansas in Chapel Hill?  SooEEE Heels!. 

Uh oh, Bill Friday just had another case of da vapors.  Grab the paddles.

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