Hark The Sound of UNC Athletics Under NCAA Investigation …. Where does that rank among Dewey Defeats Truman or One Giant Leap For Mankind ? UNC’s journey to Big Time College Football took a traditional step in that direction Thursday – NCAA investigators have arrived on the storied campus.
In case you were a mile deep in “the Gulf” yesterday helping install the cap, and missed the breaking news – NCAA investigators, led by Butch Davis’ #1 arch-enemy, Paul Dee, have arrived in Chapel Hill – on Kindly Ol’ Bill Friday’s 90th Birthday.
Raise your hand IF: you thought you might get a BobLeeSays today?
Early reports indicate the NCAA goons are centering their witch hunt on possible illegalities involving two UNC football players and sports agents. Marvin Austin’s name has surfaced as one of the two players. A fact that surprises absolutely no one I’ve talked to so far.
Silly “witch hunt”, of course, is how True Blues are describing all this. 28 miles to the east Lupine loonies are predicting “Death penalty for sure ….”. The ever elusive Truth lies somewhere twixt and between the two contentious gangs of overly-caffeinated partisans.
UniSoCarol TE Weslye Saunders is also under investigation for the same charges. Saunders’ daddy is N&O whitey-hatin’, cool urban dude columnist….. Barry “Sportin’ Life” Saunders. Look for ol’ BS to blame Michael Jordan (for not being black enough), Tiger Woods (same reason), Jesse Helms, all white folks, and/or NC State
What we sort of maybe know FOR SURE is:
• A team of NCAA investigators (aka “goons”) are indeed in Chapel Hill
• The investigation is headed by former Miami AD Paul Dee – the Miami AD that Butch Davis flat-out lied to about going to Cleveland subsequently causing Dee to look like a fool. …. uh oh #1
• The investigators DID arrive on Kindly Ol’ Bill Friday 90th birthday. The Friday family, hoping for a 91st, chose not to inform Kindly Ol’ Bill of their arrival.
• Marvin Austin did recently tweet about taking a trip to Miami where several of the slimier agents call home including Drew Rosenhaus…. uh oh #2
• Dickie Baddour has acknowledged “the goons are here” and that his office is fully cooperating with their witch hunt. Unnamed UNC AthDept staffers stressed that “everyone on storied Franklin Street is convinced that UNC is purer than the driven snow and this is a plot by evil people who are jealous of UNC and never liked Charles Kuralt.” FWIW: “Everyone on Franklin Street” also have yet to accept that Ronald Reagan won two landslide Presidential elections.
• In yet another coincidence, Madame Yow began the first day of her regime at NC State by hosting a party for her BOT. It is NOT confirmed that Madame AD commented “I invited Dickie here today but I understand he is hosting some out-of-town guests.” Madame Yow said she is not above taking full credit for causing the goons to descend on Chapel Hill if she can get away with it. With her fans, she probably can.
As to why is Paul Dee heading this investigation? that answer is either: (A) He paid $2,500 for the right to do so saying something about “a score to settle with that lyin’ SOB”.…. or (B) this just happens to be the particular committee he heads and is not part of a grand conspiracy. (B) is highly unlikely as there is ALWAYS a grand conspiracy. Silly rabbit.
To answer a frequently posed question in the past 24 hours: NO, the outcome of this embarrassment will NOT effect Dick Baddour’s retirement pension. Dickie was the one doing the asking.
The Daily Tar Heel is circulating a petition today to submit to the NCAA that: “Marijuana possession, girl-friend bashing, DUis, bar fights, and taking bling bling from slimey sports agents should only be illegal when done by thug-aletes other than ours.” 1,276 starry-eyed Blue Kool-Aid drinkers had signed by 11:45 Friday AM.
BLSays’ special correspondent AgentPierce reports that the goons’ arrival in Chapel Hill caused a momentary halt to the Wake County School Board War. The insult-soaked comment forums of the News&Observer went strangely quiet as both warring gangs – The Racist Yankees Whose Names End In Vowels (aka – The Not From Around Heres) versus ….. The We Really Hate Racist Yankees Whose Names End In Vowels (aka – The Not Really From Around Here Eithers) used the lull to devise new insults to hurl at one another.
The Wake County School Board War has now waged longer than any loving relationship ever entered in to by a Kardashian.
AgentPierce filed a report that an award for Absolutely Stoopidest Comment Made by a UNC-hating Wuff Loon went to an anonymous hairball who posted that the NCAA snoops are investigating the John Henson weight gain plan. The hairball claims his cable guy’s nephew knows for sure that more than three milkshakes per day is grounds for THE DEATH PENALTY. Oh me, oh my!
In a related story: WuffLoons LLC has organized its own goon squad to verify totally unsubstantiated but who cares lets say it anyway rumors that UNC Master Recruiter John “Black Santa” Blake – (1) masterminded 9/11 – (2) caused the Gulf oil leak – and (3) might have known Lee Fowler in another life.
WuffLoons LLC has also contracted with a local voice recognition expert to verify that it was indeed John Blake’s voice on “those Mel Gibson tapes”.
What “them State folks” is most torqued about is that the N&O headline announcing “UNC Athletics Under Investigation For Assorted Crimes Against Nature” was two font sizes smaller than a similar headline proclaiming “Jim Valvano Provides Free Tennis Shoes To Local Orphan”. They have proof!
Eventually this situation will shake out to some half-baked inconclusion that will absolutely not satisfy any one of any persuasion. This dust will never fully settle. These things NEVER really go away. Just ask Chris Washburn?
NOTE: The Uniform Athlete Agent Act. The conduct of sports agents and athletes is addressed in a state law in 38 states, including North Carolina. …. also the name of former UNCer now an NFLer- Kentwan Balmer. Kentwan’s name might be popping up.
If Kenan Stadium is still standing two weeks from now, WuffNutz will swear “Those no-count Tarholes bought their way outta this AGAIN!”
If Marvin Austin is required to give back his I Partied On South Beach t-shirt …… CaroLoonies will whine “they are picking on us AGAIN !”
Could we imagine a statement released by super-agent Jimma Sexton, with Butch “The Pale Rider” Davis saying:
I was brought here specifically to bring Big Time BCS Football to this basketball town. Putting UNC under NCAA investigation within four years qualifies me for a $20,000 bonus. If a couple of my blue-chip mercenaries knock over a convenience store in the next 60 days I get another bonus. Anyone want to lease a suite for $50,000 (plus tickets)? …. yes, I get a commission on that too, if you do.
Rumor Quash: Star Linebacker Quan Sturdivant’s arrest this week in Albemarle for marijuana possession and UNC Legend Lawrence Taylor’s lame not guilty plea for statutory rape are NOT connected to the NCAA goons’ presence in Chapel Hill …… BUT Quan. LT and the goons presence certainly helped make Kindly Ol’ Bill Friday’s 90th Birthday Week memorable.