Pinocchio Without Jiminy

April15/ 2010

BobLee weighs in guns ablazing on a list of headline issues of the day.   “The Calipari Way” ……. UConn women …… Trusting Ron Wellman …… The Newest American Hero …… K-praise ….. and  Pinocchio Woods forgot to read the fine print.

It’s a long standing joke …… when the SI Swimsuit issue comes out, the SI Letters ALWAYS include school librarians in a dither canceling their subscriptions ……. the local equivalent is the harrumphing and caterwalling from the Anybody But Duke crowd when Coach K wins another NatChamp or Olympic Gold and (DUH!) receives positive media attention for it. ……”harrumph harrumph …. just because he achieves some huge success is no reason to give him credit for doing it …. ”    Gotta luv it!


UConn Women Win Again …… “like watching boys knit” ….. I still maintain that competitive sports are terrific for girls ….. but charging admission to watch them play basketball confirms PT Barnum’s credo.  In a world where airlines are now charging $45 for CARRY-ON bags I suppose it sort of makes sense …..


The Calipari Way plays out at Kentucky as his current crop of one&dones are done.  That they leave ringless is some justice.  Kentucky fans are desperate for more banners but their love affair with “Cal” will fade fast with many more early exits.  Still hard to believe there are responsible administrators that condone such ……  but maybe I’m a prisoner of antiquated paradigms. 


Most Admired Basketball Coach on Planet inks 12-year deal to stay at Butler.  After replacing Scott Brown as America’s #1 Hero de jour; Brad Stevens confirms his integrity by staying at Butler. Hip Hip HOORAY and a Double YIPPEE. ….. Will we suddenly see a proliferation of bright honorable men as major college basketball coaches.  No, probably not so lets just enjoy Brad Stevens. …… Will Butler fans quickly become drunk on their program’s success?  Sure, every fan base has a lunatic faction screaming to be let loose.


Is Ron Wellman correct to jettison Dino Gaudio at Wake Forest?  Questioning the admin judgment of Ron Wellman is unthinkable.  Dino was an emergency hire when Skip died.  Methinks Ron knew Dino was probably not up to task but was short on alternatives at the time.   As his original concerns were manifested he did what he had to do. …… I can not imagine that Wellman was pressured by Deacon Lunatic Fringers to make the change.   Deac Loonies, of course, all want Brad Stevens as do 127 other “sleeping giants”.


This “Tiger Thing” is awash in confusin’ conundrums.  A Thai/black athlete dominates a middle-age white guy sport putting him on a pedestal different from black superstars who excel in “black guy sports”?  How come?  His clay feet being revealed to such excess has observers flummoxed. …… If it were just 2-3 skanks would it be better?  Do you view Elin more sympathetically than you viewed Juanita Jordan? How come?

Were you shocked when Wilt revealed his 10,000 conquests? …… Did reports of Michael’s decades of serial philanderings generate more than a smirk and a raised eyebrow? …… Jason Williams kills a limo driver during an orgistic fete at his mansion ….. yawn.  When the uber-hedonistic lifestyles of mega-wealthy black jocks are revealed, do you just shrug with a “what do you expect” nonchalance?  If so, why  is this Tiger Thing any different?

Tiki Barber leaves his 8 month pregnant wife for a dim-witted blond intern.  I bet most you “liked Tiki“.  Did you assume he was “different”?  From whom …. why?

Are “golfers” suppose to be different somehow?  There are philandering adulterers on the membership rosters of every country club in America (including Billy Payne’s own Augusta National).  Adultery is a non-discriminating character cancer – an insidious disease that ignores social rank, bank balances and those pesky good intentions that pave the streets of Hell.   Eldrick was eat up with this cancer that so fed his enormous ego.  Is that why we are drawn to this sordid tale like curious moths to a tittilating flame?

If Tiger wins The Masters does that put the quo back in his status?  Will we layer on the trite platitudes – “I admire his golf skills but yadda yadda?”  ….. “what he does in his personal life is between him and his family …..” ….. “All it is is sex!” ….. “Let he who has not sinned, cast the first stone.”  ….. blah blah blah.

…. Eldrick “Tiger” Woods is Pinocchio.   A wooden boy created and crafted by “Gepeto” aka Earl Woods – a notorious serial philanderer in his own life.  Tiger is a genius savant in golf …… but he never developed the layers of life experiences that mold the rest of us.  ……. His golf prowess gained him immense fame and fortune but there was no Jiminy Cricket as his conscience.   Along came Michael and Sir Charles ….. two notorious “playas” with Falstaffian appetites for all of life’s guilty pleasures.  “Yo Dude, help yourself to the booty buffet …. it’s all-you-can-eat for entitled playas like us.” ……. Pinocchio dived in head first ……. but he forgot to read the fine print.  Uh oh.

Veteran horn dawgs like MJ and Charles know the subtleties of the game.  They’ve played it for 20+ years …… sampling every conceivable appetizer and entrée on that aforementioned booty buffet.  You did know that, right?  But you expected it from them.  How come?

I imagine MJ reading about Tiger’s skanks texting him on his cellphone ….. and spitting up his morning corn flakes.  

I imagine MJ reading about Tiger’s skanks texting him on his cellphone ….. and spitting up his morning corn flakes. “DAMN DUDE!  You don’t ever give the bitches your cell #.  Didn’t you read the instructions on Superstar Skankifying?  Dude, you gots to read the fine print.” ……  

Here’s a scenario to consider – Michael & Charles sent Tiger on a skanky snipe hunt.  They “punked” him. They purposely left out the “How To” details of prolific philandering.  They knew Tiger, having zero street smarts, would eventually end up standing under a streetlight with his pants around his ankles and holding his johnson with a Vardon overlap grip.

Whatever level of admired celebrity status Tiger reclaims (and he WILL reclaim more than you would have imagined three months ago) …… Tiger Woods, like Bill Clinton, was NOT betrayed by the slightest pang of conscience …… He was betrayed by a careless text message.  An hour before the Escalade hit the fire hydrant, Tiger Woods was quite satisfied with his life of excessive debauchery.  Thank you very much …… Then …..

THE DUDE GOT CAUGHT! …….. but what the heck.  You know how those superstar black/Thai golfers are …… wink, wink!

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