Carl Spackler / Paging Carl Spackler!

March21/ 2010

Carl Spackler …. Paging Carl Spackler:  Carl WHO?  “Spackler” – the assistant greenskeeper at Bushwood Country Club (aka Bill Murray).  Carl is THE MAN when it comes to varmint control.  Over near Chapel Hill several categories of out-of-control “varmints” are aloose.  WARNING: This column has a high “YEE HAA” factor.

You want a recipe for high hilarity?  Combine

(1)    Something involving class envy aka “rich folks”
(2)    Lethal weapons
(3)    A bunch of extremo loonietics

Specifically ….. (1) “a gated community” – Chapel Hill’s notorious Governors Club ….. (2) bows & arrows ….. (3) nutty PETA people.  Pour that mixture into a blender and hit “puree”.  Be prepared to clean up a glorious mess.  This one is so hilarious that nutty PETA people are not the nuttiest folks in this.  How often can you say THAT?

A personal note about Governors Club:  I was involved with “the notorious gated community” in the late 90s during its adolescence.  I worked closely with the developers and many of its early residents.  I found them to be pretty much the usual mélange of that socio-cultural demographic.  Not disagreeably contrary folks at all …. except for those who were.

There are TWO types of “gated communities”.  Bernie Madoff has lived in both types.  One (like GC) restricts entry.  Where Bernie is now restricts “exiting”.  Also, the guards at GC don’t conduct nearly as many full body cavity searches.

TRUE STORY: I once met with former NC Governor Bob Scott (several years before his daughter Meg went to the federal pen for extorting State Fair carnies. …..   Who knew you COULD “extort a carny”.)   Ex-Guv Scott, with what I recall as a straight face, said he felt he should be GIVEN a lot at GC since he is a “former Governor”.  YIKES!  Former Dem Governors tend to be heavy into presumed entitlements.   Finishing this anecdote, the developers have never acted upon Bob Scott’s suggestion.

Those of you who don’t follow upscale real estate may only know Governors Club thru its mythical role in picking coaches for UNC FB and BB.  The selection process, according to board monkey lore, ALWAYS involves Steve Spurrier, Rick Majerus, Butch, yadda yadda being “offered a lot at Governors Club” as the ultimate enticement to come and awaken the sleeping giant.

I once joked with GC developer Kirk Bradley that he should pick out an unsellable utility easement and label it “The Coaches’ Lot” with a fancy sign and some yucca plants.  Very few board monkey have ever set foot inside GC of course, but we could post pics of the sign on their mosh pits.  I digress.

GC is in Chatham County but only a few miles from UNC’s South Campus, Dean’s Dome, et al down Mount Carmel Church Road.  It sits across the road from Carolina Meadows where lots of elderly UNCers spend their final days.  Both developments are quite nice places despite snarky comments from the “class envy” crowd.  “Class envy” is a non-revenue sport around Chapel Hill participated in by many who, ironically, qualify financially for the very “class” they rage against.  Don’t try to figure that out.

GC was developed from the forest primevil once the exclusive habitat of local moonshiners and cuddly creatures indigenous to this area including lots of deer and bunny rabbits.  The juxtaposition issues of man w/ woodland creature is as old as mankind itself.  When Cro-Magnon man moved his family into a cave he likely caused the forced relocation of a sabre-toothed tiger or wooly mammoth.  Now it is “retired Westchester County guy” battling bambi over who has right-of-way on manicured Nicklaus-designed fairways and paved streets with pseudo-intellectual names. …… what to do?  What to do indeed?

(BobLee, do you not realize how much damage “Bambi & Thumper” can do to a garden?  Oh, I KNOW!  Missus hates bunnies like libs hate Sarah Palin.   Maybe even worse!)

Looking for laughs but you don’t care for the sticky floors and black walls of a “comedy club”?  You have two great options in America – (1) Any local school board meeting ….. or (2) A Homeowners Association meeting.   The crudite are better at the Homeowners Assn meeting and that howling mob is usually better dressed than the howling mob at a school board meeting.  Otherwise it’s a toss-up.

As more and more folks move into GC, the shared environment twixt man and deer has gotten increasingly crowded.  Who knows who first proposed “the final solution” but it is “a doozie” ……  Declare open-season on the deer within GC so long as only bows & arrows are used. ….. thwang!

No 30.06s. No M-1s. No Browning 12 gauges w/ .00 buckshot.  No RPGs.  No bazookas.  But ….. feel free to go to or Dick’s @ Southpointe and get a top-of-the line compound bow ….. a quiver of razor-point arrows ….. a spiffy RealTree gilly-camo suit …. and have at it.

In case you’re wondering; a good quality compound bow has an effective killing radius equal to about a 4 iron ….

The minutes of the Homeowners Assn show that a heated debate then ensued over what font to use in the signage – “ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK – CRAZY RICH FOLKS WITH BOWS ‘N ARROWS ARE ON THE PROWL”.   It came down to Helvitica 75pt or Arial 86pt.  A final decision was delayed until the pulse of the entire community could be measured on the question.

Well, of course the nutty PETA People got wind of this cuddly woodland creature slaughter as did the Orange County chapter of Hate Crazy Rich People In General (HCRPIG).  It turns out that a few nutty PETA People actually live among the Crazy Rich People inside the gates.

I recall a debate in 1996 to not sell GC homesites to “nutty academic loonies”.  Some visionaries anticipated this current impasse.  Retired Fortune 500 guys with “grumpy ol’ guy who likes to be in charge” syndrome and nutty academics with “I’m a clueless intellectual snoot” complexes are a wonderful mixture IF you write smart-ass website columns.  Otherwise, not so good!  But, I’m a “me first” guy.  It’s a freakin’ HOOT!

 The Great Hunt is just starting.  The code name is “Butcher Bambi – 2010”.  A giant scoreboard has been erected beside the Driving Range to keep track of Dead Deer ….. Dead Ol’ Guys ….. Dead Ol’ Gals …. Dead Visiting Grand Kids  …. Dead Costa Rican landscapers …..  Dead fancy marble countertop installers …. Dead pool cleaning guys ….. Dead assistant golf pros …. Dead nannies ….. and, of course, Dead nutty PETA People.

A bounty of “a case of Chevis” has been placed on each nutty PETA person carcass brought in tied to the hood of an Escalade.  If the nutty PETA person carcass has at least three advanced degrees the slayer gets “a box of Cubans”.

Carl Spackler hisownself has been booked for the big banquet in May.  Venison and PETA People souffle will be the entrees.

If The Great Hunt is as successful as the Homeowners Assn Board anticpates, a “fishing tourney” is being considered for the Fall.  Each GC homeowner will be issued a box of dyn-o-mite and a brace of hand grenades.

BobLee, will you keep us updated on this “carnage behind the notorious gates”?  You know I will.

What did I think of TIGER SPEAKS ?   It was OK …. but I was really  hoping for a few words from Tiger on whether John Henson should be “a 3” or “a 4”.  Maybe later ….

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