As Painful As Watching Boys Knit!

February15/ 2010

….. Today’s subject is suicide.  Like dressing up in a sardine suit to swim w/ Tilikum.   Buddies and babes who normally agree with me on everything are going to be bailing on this one.  It HAS to be said.  …..”Watching girls try to play basketball is as agonizingly painful as watching boys try to knit.” 

What kind of name is Tilikum?  All killer whales should be Shamu or Willie.  No wonder this one was p*ssed.  Tilikum sounds like one of Demi Moore’s kids or Martha Stewart naming a new shade of “ecru”.   I’m not torqued over that SeaWorld incident.  Like Seigfried’s Roy being mauled by the white tiger, these people know the risk they take and seem very dedicated to doing it.  God bless’em.

Oh, that Deep Thought from yesterday (which circled the globe TWICE); most of you knew I was talking about Obama.  Some of you thought I was talking about John Edwards.  I definitely could have been, huh?  That whizbang “mainstream media” is something, huh?  ….. I digress.

 What does this have to do with “girls’ basketball?  About as much as “girls’ basketball has to do with “boys basketball”.  This column HAS to be written.  It has been inside me for 5-6 years screaming to get out.  Yesterday was the kicker.

I was on-hand yesterday as Carolina BB celebrated its first win-win weekend since a long time ago.  Roys Boyz drubbed the Deacons on Saturday and Sylvia Hatchell’s She-Heels downed the Devilettes from Derm in “new” Carmichael Arena.  “New” Carmichael Arena looks a lot like old Carmichael Auditorium but the team benches are on the other side and it’s now called an Arena.  There are probably other new things too.

Why was I there?  Prince Albert had a free ticket and there were no Lonesome Dove reruns on TBS.   I’ve probably seen 8-10 “girls’ basketball” games in person and another 5-6 on TV.  I saw (on TV) THE TWO greatest moments in UNC Lady Hoop History …… (1) Charlotte Smith’s national championship winning shot in 19whenever and (2) Ivory Latta running into that Russian shotputter-ette at Duke a few years ago.   I’ve often wondered what Pat Summit would look like in a leather cat suit with a whip.

I’m not opposed to Title IX.  Yes, it’s goofy as heck, but being “opposed” to too much is too stressful.  I’m a Daughter Daddy.  I love girls playing sports.  I wish Kid had done more of it.

Girls play soccer really well.  Same with tennis, swimming, volleyball, gymnastics, golf, etc.  I’m a huge “Danica” fan.  But I just don’t “get” girls playing basketball.

On the grand master list of “motor skill activities” I’m sure male and female come out about equal.  Throw in “have a baby” and the distaffers take the gold every time.  But this is about playing basketball.

Yesterday’s game was “exciting”.  It was Carolina v Duke.  Both teams were equally klutzy and void of fundamental basketball skills.  It could have been three-legged sack races and it would have been worth the price of the ticket ….. but Dr Naismith had to be spinning in his grave that it was billed as “basketball”.

Now ….. if you go to a women’s basketball game to “look at” NCSU’s Kellie Harper or Oklahoma’s Cheri Coales you are involved in a totally different spectator sport to be discussed in a separate column.

Girls play with a smaller basketball than boys do because their hands are smaller.  By that logic the rim should be lowered to 8’ and the court size should be reduced by 20%.   Those would cost lots of $$ so we get to watch girls heave shots like they are trying to steal pumpkins by throwing them over a fence (or those scottish guys throwing telephone poles!)  and throw errant passes that even LarryDrew2 would be embarrassed with.

Since girls are not strong enough to shoot 3’s with a flick of their wrists all 3’s in girls BB are hail marys.  They “fling’em” and count themselves lucky if they aren’t airballs which most are.  But why can’t girls shoot inside 10’ with proper shooting technique ….. ball on the pads of the fingers …. off the palm ….. elbow in …. and flick the wrist?  Is it a mammary thing?  I was sitting with UNC ’57 hero, Danny Lotz.  Dr Danny’s brother, John, was UNC BB shooting coach extraordinaire.  John is now among Heaven’s best-dressed Angels but if he was watching, it was “painful”.

Guys get “a shooter’s roll” because their shots “spin”.  Girls’ shots are flat and have as much spin as a Phil Neikro knuckler.  Unless a girl’s shot “swishes” it has no chance to bounce on the rim and go in.  Girls’ “swish” as often as Butch Davis wears Carolina Blue.

To my logic ….. girls SHOULD be “better than guys” at ball handling and passing for the same reasons that girl golfers are so good at chipping and putting.  “Strength” is not as necessary as technique and feel.  But they can’t.  If I was a Democrat I could make a Special Olympics analogy but being an “eeeevil Repub” I’m not allowed to.

It was a cow, not a bull, that jumped over the moon ….. Hi Diddle Diddle.  But I “get” that girls can’t jump like black boys for what I suppose are, again, anatomical reasons; but they apparently can’t even jump as high as white boys.  How come?  What I saw Sunday looked like shorter Kris Langs with dreadlocks.

An offensive play in girls BB is “fling the ball into the paint – ten girls converge on it (like 5 y/os playing soccer) – lots of flailing arms and flying dreadlocks –  the ball rolls out of the pile of players – going out-of-bounds”.  All ten girls look at the ref with Bart Simpson’s “I didn’t do it” expressions. …… but I’m sure all of’em are very fine young people.

Giving girls college scholarships to play basketball is like hiring a chicken to play Seabiscuit.  The world’s best chicken cannot play a horse very well.  I sure hope the girls getting scholarships to “play basketball” are using them to prepare for something more ambitious than “a career with the WNBA“.  Don’t even get me started on THAT!

Yesterday, UNC’s marvelous Clef Hangars a cappella group performed.  The Popular Young Chancellor got to participate by doing “doo-wop” back-up and did it very well.  I was sitting with Pistol and “the Chancellors kids”.  They were quite proud ….. and rightfully so.

I understand there was a hockey game yesterday.  I was watching girls try to play basketball.  Did I miss anything with that hockey game?  Was it very exciting? ???

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x