Where Was Clair Bee?

January11/ 2010

.. Country music fans lament “Hank Williams you wrote my life”.  For athletes it was Clair Bee who wrote the scripts.   In Bee’s classic “Chip Hilton” novels Chip and his buddies ALWAYS won the big game in incredible nail-biting fashion for Coach Hank “The Rock” Rockwell.

Colt McCoy, Jordan Shipley, Blake Gideon and Hunter Lawrence were set to live out a Clair Bee dream for Coach Mack “The Truck” Brown til reality trumped the dream ….. as the sun set over the San Gabriel Mountains.

In the Clair Bee (“Trinity River”) version Colt and his pals woulda pulled out victory with “A Pass & A Prayer” ….. all marry honey-blond barrel-racing champions whose names end in “i” ….. and NEVER ever have to pick up a restaurant check from Nacogdoches to New Braunfels for the rest of their charmed lives.

Yeah verily as I noted when Mike Fox’s Moochies first lost to Oregon State in Omaha – God loves Beavers too.  For the houndstoothed folks in Tuscaloosa, this one turned out jest right.

I pull for the ‘horns because (1) I like Mack and (2) I like the State of Texas, especially (3) their songs – “Eyes of ….” And “Yellow Rose of …..” .  I wasn’t pulling “against Alabama”.  All Big Time college football programs share the same odious hypocrisies.  There ARE several big time college basketball programs that smell so foul I can’t stomach’em but not w/ football. I’m not sure why that is.

Surely half those 8,000,000,000 apathetic Chinese know that Longhorn lynchpin Colt McCoy was injured in the first offensive series on Thursday never returning to the game.  Clair Bee mighta written that storyline but in Clair’s version, Colt’s fuzzy-cheeked back-up rises to the occasion leading the Longhorns to victory thereby writing Chapter One of his very own Longhorn legend.

He almost sorta did have a chance to do that until a blind side blitzer smashed the glass slipper to smithereens late in the fourth quarter.  Until the bottom fell out in the waning minutes, the game mighta come down to Greg Davis’ shuffle pass call with under a minute to go in the first half.  “No, Greg No !!!”

College football fans hate Offensive Coordinators ALMOST as much as liberals hate Rush, Sarah and Jesus.  Texas’ OC Greg Davis outpolls Santa Anna and the song Boomer Sooner among “songs or people not popular along 6th Street in Austin”.   That shuffle pass call guaranteed Greg’s ever-lasting (un)popularity among the teasippin’ Orangebloods in The Hill Country.

BobLee, how come fans hate their team’s Offensive Coordinator?  Simple.  What fan hasn’t (1) drawn up a play in sandlot dirt … or (2) used a paper napkin or an envelope to design a game-winner where  “everybody goes long” …. the QB fakes a statue of liberty ….. two receivers pull the hook & ladder ….. while the center fakes a fumblerooski  ….. and “our team wins the big game”.  Hooray …. Easy as pie!

I don’t wanna be an accounts receivables clerk any more.  I wanna be an Offensive Coordinator.  I’d be a good one.  I just know I would, by golly. 

OffCoords get paid mega bucks to draw up whizbang trick plays that always work because the other team’s DefCoor is dumber than dirt and employs that stoopid “bend but don’t break” philosophy that always loses except when it wins.

I was asked last week what future I thought awaited Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley.  My answer several days BEFORE Thursday was that Colt would follow Major Applewhite’s career path ….. a cup of coffee in an NFL camp then return to Austin as an assistant for Mack.  Not a bad life at all.

As for Jordan Shipley ….. he will be “the next Wes Welker (or Rickey Proehl) and enjoy a productive NFL career as a dependable “possession receiver”.  Proving that he channels yours truly, Brent Musberger also compared Jordan to Wes Welker.  Its OK for me or Brent to draw that comparison …. but

Imagine if Rush did it. KABOOM!  It would be immediately condemned as a “racist remark” because both Jordan and Wes are white guys ….. uh oh!

Why not compare Jordan to Hines Ward or some black receiver?   Because comparing Shipley to Welker is a logical comparison.  Show me a highly talented white point guard in college and I’ll show you 1,000 comparisons to Steve Nash …… duh! …… Jordan’s nickname “White Lightnin” probably doesn’t help matters any !!

BREAKING NEWS !!!!  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announces that “Dingy Harry” Reid has been disqualified as a potential NFL owner.  Quote Goodell “He’s too ugly, too crooked PLUS he made a comment using the word ‘negro’.  We can’t have that in our league.”  

Elsewhere in college football …… Jim Leavitt was fired at South Florida over a  “player abuse” allegation.   Did Leavitt “abuse a player?  I don’t know.  Will we see more such allegations from anonymous sources?  Absolutely!  In the Internet Era any nitwit with a modem and a mouse can accuse anyone of anything and some spineless admin or lazy sportswriter will believe it and create a “disprove a negative” dilemma for a coach on the hot seat.  In Leavitt’s case, the charges were ramrodded by a bunch of board monkeys at FanHouse.com .  Betcha didn’t know that.

PLUS …. Tommy Tubberville to Lubbock as sleazy, crooked TxTech admins are at least smart enuff NOT to pay attention to goofy “player petition” for Ruffin McNeil.

Also elsewhere in college football ….. Pete Carroll will probably bail out of USC to go to the NFL’s Seahawks.  Most of you probably don’t know that USC is a frog hair away from “death penalty” level sanctions.  Booster corruption as well as academic flimflamming in TrojanLand has reached the “bust wide open” point.

60 days ago everybody was screaming about “what a mess the BCS is”.  Now only a few hardheads in Idaho still carry that torch.  Alabama beat its two logical contenders in reasonably convincing fashion.  The 3-4 other wannabees back in October have fallen like maple leaves in November.  Next October there will be screams AGAIN ….. then it will all work out just fine AGAIN.  This stuff ain’t all that hard to predict ….. really, it isn’t.  …… Roll Tide!

EB says new NCSU Chancy Randy Woodson is “a good’un”.  The last Hoosier to come to West Raleigh was Ev Case.  He did pretty well as I recall.

   A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
– Mark Twain

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