TV’s Butt-Kickin’ Hotties

May12/ 2009

….. Tonight is the season finale for “24” and an appropriate opportunity to discuss the plethora of “pistol-packin’ hotties” that fill our plasma screens these days.  Agent Walker will ably assist Jack tonight and return next season with “romantic sparks” tween her and Mr Bauer.  But she’s just one of dozens of “Hotties Packin Heat” across the dial in ‘09. ….. yes, there is an Easley update (of course).

In the old days, it was leggy Angie Dickinson as “Pepper” Anderson in Police Woman; or a nymphet Heather Locklear as Stacy Sheridan on TJ Hooker.  And, of course, the “Angels” ….. “Hi Charlie”.   They all had their fans for sure.  But over the past 30 years the roles of women on stage and screen have evolved.

Today’s badge-totin heat packin’ “Protect ‘n Serve” gals are a different breed.   Usually attired in jeans, SWAT boots and bomber jackets ….. today’s she-cops eschew “glamour” for a distinct blue-collar earthiness that definitely is not without its unique appeal. ….. in no particular order.

Agent Walker – “24”:  Her red hair, freckles and that bandage on her neck have become familiar to “24” devotees this season.  In just 24 hours she’s come to appreciate Jack’s unique interrogation techniques.  Now that overly-angst-ridden Larry is gone, the path is clear for her and Jack to “get involved”.  Our spies say it’ll happen next season.

Olivia Benson – Law & Order Special Victims:   Mariska Hargitay is, of course,  Jayne Mansfield’s daughter but without Mamma’s bimbo-ness.  Forever dealing with NYC perverts and low-life, Olivia favors black leather, especially a black leather trench coat.

Mary Shannon – In Plain Sight:  Based in Albuquerque, Mary is a US Marshal Witness Protection Specialist.  The “Feds” send all their informants and squealers to Mary to hide.   Mary’s alcoholic mom and skanky younger sister give her more trouble than her witnesses.  Mary’s “steady” is a minor league ball player of the Crash Davis ilk.

Catherine Willow – CSI:  “Marg” has come a long ways from her days as China Beach’s favorite prostitute.  OK, maybe not so far.  “Catherine” is a former Vegas stripper turned crime scene investigator.  Probably the oldest of these earthy kick-buttettes, Catherine has the obligatory young daughter about whom she worries and a sleazy ex who was also Cybil Shephard’s ex once.

Teresa Lisbon – The Mentalist:  Robin Tenney is Patrick Janes’ boss but he does pretty much what ever he wants.  Teresa always sports the jeans, leather, boots outfits.  There is definite sexual tension twixt Teresa and Patrick but controlled so far. ….. The Mentalist has a back-up hottie in Grace Van Pelt64fd66978bbb9822fe899694318ebf20 who also always wears jeans and a t-shirt for twin reasons easily obvious.  Grace also played a victim in a Friday The13th.

Kate Beckett – Castle:  A BobLee new favorite (but, hey, I like’em all) Kate is a NYC homicide detective with Castle as her wise-cracking crime novelist partner. DEFINITE sexual tension in this one.  This gal has a resume of Sci-Fi zombie flicks.  Gotta like that.

Calleigh Duquesne – CSI-Miami:  Raleigh’s own Emily Proctor is Horatio’s “ballistics specialist” at Miami-Dade PD.  The no-nonsense “bullet girl” could be a South Beach main attraction but for her dedication to vanquishing evil-doers.  Once asked “what do you call a 6’ man carrying a 4’ sniper rifle?” …. Calleigh quickly replied “My kinda guy.”  She’s the only one of our pistol-packers to actually have a spurned suitor commit suicide in Season three.  Her current “involvement” with Delko is, we think, short-lived.  Eric is too wuzzy for Calleigh.

Grace Hanadarko – Saving Grace:  A detective the Oklahoma City PD,  Grace takes “earthiness” to a level heretofore unexplored.  Favorite Grace line ….”“I got an angel on my ass, a man who hears God talkin’ to him, and a killer on Death Row who shops at the Gap. None of this makes sense.” ….. Grace has a for-real guardian angel with wings.  Not to much of a stretch from Holly Hunter’s classic role in Raising Arizona.

Fiona – Burn Notice:  Ok, “Fee” is not a cop.  She’s a rogue IRA bomber.  An anorexic rogue bomber.  Fee never wears jeans or much of anything.  According to “Fee” …… “Nothing turns on a girl like a really loud explosion …”.  I liked “Fee” better in Season One before she went bulimic.

Ziva David – NCIS:  How many assassins on loan from The Massad do you get on TV.  With her Eddie Munster forehead and ability to kill you with a paper clip, Ziva seems to prefer swarthy middle eastern types including her step-brother Ali who shot Ziva’s predecessor Kate between the eyes.  Among Ziva’s charms is her unfamiliarity with American slang which she forever mangles.

Abby Sciuto – NCIS:  Definitely an acquired taste “Abigal” (according to Ducky) is TV’s #1 lovable Goth.  She works in a basement laboratory and sleeps in a coffin.  Jethro treats her like a daughter and she would, unhesitatingly, “take a bullet for “Gibbs”. She is a forensic genius with a flatulating stuffed hippo.

Natalia Boa Vista – CSI-Miami:  “Miss BoaVista” is the Latin heat at Miami-Dade PD.  Bad habit of getting involved with bad boys,  Natalia will never be Calleigh but she fills a blouse very well and wears high heels a lot.

Yes, there are plenty of others and you are entitled to your favorites.  A moment of silent respect for “Shark” which is no longer on the air but had several cast members who coulda be included here. ….. Here’s a special addition to this bunch.

Kim “The Stiletto” Strach ….. You don’t know Kim “The Stiletto” yet, but hopefully you will soon.   Kim is the designated “nailer” for the North Carolina Board of Elections;  known for (1) her likeness to Danica Patrick, (2) killer wardrobe, and (3) Bauer-esque interrogation style.   If Kim “The Stiletto” is assigned to “get The Easleys” they are toast.  She will have McQueen & Larry sliced, diced and bled-out before the first TV time-out. ….. You may recall Kim from her award-winning demolition of Thomas “The Kingfish” Wright and Mary “Sapphire” McAllister last year.

Speakin’ of The Easleys …… yes, that madcap couple continues to push John Wall off the front page.   At 10:45 Monday AM, NCSU Chancellor Jim “Nothing Wrong” Oblinger issued a press release asking Lady Easley to quit.   If you’re thinking that was an odd way to handle the matter ….. you don’t know your NC State Chancellor history too well.
Bruce Poulton, Chancellor during The Jimmy V Era, upon hearing that Jim had given a player “one pair of tennis shoes” expressed pique that he had not received a pair too.
Mary Ann “National Champs” Foxx once sent Les Robinson a voice mail at 6:00 AM telling him to go over to Mike O’Cain’s house and “get his keys”.  She said she would do it but she had a lunch appointment in Pinehurst.
You mighta thought Oblinger and Mary woulda sat down and worked out a joint statement about her decision to pursue other opportunities.   How bourgeois would that have been.

Oblinger standing in the middle of The Brickyard with a bullhorn yelling “Come out Mary or I’m sending Tom Stafford in to drag you out” just has so much more cache to it.

Hearing how Oblinger handled this one; Erskine Bowles hit his thumb with a ballpeen hammer and shook uncontrollably for three minutes.  UNC BOG Chairwoman Hannah Gage (an Easley appointee) expressed regret but indicated Mary’ isn’t worth standing up for any more….

Tuesday AM The N&O took its attack a step further with the dreaded VUP stage.  That stands for “Very Unflattering Picture” for those of you not in the journo-game.

With three major personnel changes in the past three days, NCSU Personnel Director said “it hasn’t been this busy around here since Amato was changing coordinators every week ….”      

Not to worry about dear Lady Mary.  She already has been offered a new job as flight attendant for McQueen-McRae Air.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x