A Toaster, A Blender, Duelin’ Jesses

July22/ 2008

IT’S HERE!  Primary Day in North Carolina…. Anticipated with the same enthusiasm that Benson citizens feel on Mule Day or maybe a Spivey’s Corner resident’s pride on Hollerin’ Contest Day. … or the goggle-eyed fervor of a board monkey on National Signing Day.  All the promising, blaming, and disassociatin’ is done.  Tomorrow we’ll all wake up w/ a chicken in every pot, free health care, free gasoline, no more terrorists and a renewed appreciation for P.T. Barnum’s opinion on the human birth rate.   Calling Mr Smith and Mr Cathey PLEASE!

How long did you hold out?  In the beginning Hillary was offering a keychain.  BO matched her keychain and added a refrigerator magnet.  That was weeks ago.  We all knew the bidding would go much higher.  Bill hit the stump and added a screwie looie (to unscrew stuck jars, silly).  Michelle matched the screwie looie and added one of those Dirty/Clean signs you stick on your dishwasher so you know if the dishes are “dirty or clean” (how did Lewis & Clark get to the Pacific without one of those?).  ….. jest give’em shiney gee gaws and promise’em sumthin’ for nuthin’ …. they’ll fall for it EVERY TIME.  Yep!  

Chelsea dropped in and, so long as no one asked her a real question, she promised the keychain, magnet, screwie, dirty/clean and an itty bitty reading light that clips onto your bluetooth earphone thingie so you can walk around in the dark while listening to a recorded message from someone you don’t like reminding you to vote for someone you REALLY don’t like. ….  Gotta give Chelsea’s handlers credit. They’ve made her up to be prettier than she used to …. but the dear girl is still as clueless as the clueless students she preens to.

I kept waiting for the bidding to get up to small appliances.  We could use a new toaster or one of those bagel slicers.

Looks like we’re going to have to settle for FREE HEALTH CARE ….. FREE GASOLINE …. FREE COLLEGE EDUCATIONS …. FREE MORTGAGES …. NO MORE WAR …. And FREE (fill in whatever you want free).  I’d still rather have a free bagel slicer in my hand today than those silly FREE “Promises” in the sweet by-and-by.  But, of course, Hilly and BO and their “surrogates” weren’t talking to me anyway.

(NOTE:  I had a buddy attend a BO Rally and he asked 374 mesmerized Obama-ites if they knew what a “surrogate” was.  373 were too excited about FREE HEALTH CARE to hear the question.  One said she thought it had something to do with that African tribal robe that Uncle Jeremiah’s wears when he gets all wound up.)

I am, as you know, “a Conservative” …. Or as they say in Carrboro “an ultra-right wing war-mongering chauvinistic, racist homophobe”.  I’ve been called a lot worse names by a lot higher class of people.  As a “right-winger” I’ve had to deal with the Duelin’ Jesses.

 You know who the Duelin’ Jesses are don’t you?  Every Repub running for any office in North Carolina against another Repub has to establish his/her Jesse Factor …. How incredibly loyal and close he/she has always been to Jesse Helms.  If you can trace your Jesse Factor back to “my daddy cut his daddy’s hair back in Monroe” that trumps “I had my picture taken with him at The State Fair in 1968”.

Try to remember the Jesse Factor of whichever Repubs win today.  Starting tomorrow morning at daybreak they will start running AWAY FROM Jesse hoping to attract the coveted “crossover voter”.  Their Democ opponent will, however, produce grainy old faded polaroids of their Repub opponent standing beside Ol’ Jess at what mighta been A KLAN RALLY! ….. the glow from the burning cross is sorta visible if you turn the picture upside down and view it thru one of those solar eclipse pin-hole things.

Actually we are fortunate (being facetious here!) in The Triangle.  We have Beavis & Butthead – The Harumph Brothers at The N&O – Stevie Ford and Robbie Christenson.  Stevie and Robbie are obsessed with all things Jesse like pedophiles trolling the Internet for Miley Cyrus upskirt pictures.

In the last general election back in ’04, Stevie and Robbie together evoked Ol’ Jess’s name in a non-complimentary fashion a total of 1,267 times in the three months preceding election day.  They are determined to break that record this year.  No one can beat a dying former senator with more fervor than those two N&O dweebs.  Measure a man inversely by the stature of his enemies.  Little people hate big people.

There is much I don’t understand about election campaigning.  Most of it I don’t really want to understand.  What possesses people to go to “rallies”?  Is it just to see the candidate to know for oneself how tall, short, thin, fat, mocha, female the person is?  Do rally attendees really expect to hear anything other than …..

“Whatever you want …. I promise you I’ll give you …. If you vote for me.  Yes, I know my opponent has also promised to give you everything too …. But I REALLY MEAN IT.”

“I’ll give you anything you want and all you have to do is vote for me.”  Just think about that in whatever context you factor information.

Among the great bull-s**t lines in recorded history it is only surpassed by “A man has needs.  If you REALLY love me you’ll do it. I promise I’ll ____ ”  Of course, that one has a 96% success rate if said in the backseat of a Chevrolet while parked by a lake on a Saturday night.  An Everly Brothers 8-track pushes the success % up to 99.

   The end result of either phrase is pretty much the same.  Lots of shame, regret, stains that won’t come out and yet another reminder that you shoulda known better.

I probably don’t really need to remind you that whether you vote for C-Puff, Hilly or McCrazy …. Four years from now (1) your health insurance will cost more for less …. (2) gas will be more expensive …. (3) there will be terrorists with the desire and capability to produce 9/11 Two or Three …. (4) there will be more illegals who can’t speak English …. (5) the overall moral fibre of America will have further eroded …. And there will be new or recycled yahoos strutting across a stage promising that you don’t have to do a darn thing except VOTE FOR THEM and they will make it all better.  …. And, of course, claiming that they have ALWAYS either loved or hated Jesse Helms depending upon what they think you want to hear.

My 2nd favorite political term (“I’ll give you lots of free stuff” being #1) is “Discuss THE ISSUES”.  That is really “put on the hip boots cause the BS is gonna get deep”.   THE ISSUES always boil down to “Death ….. Taxes …. & Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People”.  Since we are all “Good People” we do like to be told no more “bad things” will happen to us.  When “bad things” do continue happening to us, we go looking for someone else to promise they won’t any more ….

 As for me …. I’m heading to the polls now to vote for people I either know personally or have friends who know them and speak fondly of.  Tomorrow the glassy-eyed lemming will be standing in line waiting for the “promised” FREE HEALTH CARE …. FREE GASOLINE …. NO MORE WAR …. FREE MORTGAGES …. FREE COLLEGE …. FREE CITIZENSHIP …. and FREE _____.

Me?  I’ll (1) get up early,  (2) exercise,  (3) eat healthy,  (4) work hard at what I do,  (5) remind my family and friends that they mean a great deal to me ….  and at the end of the day we’ll see whether me or those lemming standing in line with their hands out for the free stuff are happier.  You do whatever works for you.

  Actually if “they” ever do really give out “free stuff”, ya’ll can have my share.  I prefer to earn my “stuff”.  ….. oh, except for a bagel slicer.  I do want my “free” bagel slicer.


       In “a sane world” men like Fred (FedEx) Smith or Truett Cathey of Chick-fil-A would be leading our nation.  Men of vision …. Men of intelligence …. Men of sterling character …. Men who lead by example …. Men who accept responsibility for their actions, not blaming others …. Men who hold others accountable …. Men who GET RESULTS …. Indeed …. “in a sane world”.  Do you think FedEx and Chick-fil-A just happen to be among the most successful companies in America by accident?  …. What other men (or women) can you think of that “in a sane world” would be the quality of leader that you used to think America produced.  Give us your choices in “Hey Mel, I Think ….”. 

   Dragons live forever …. But not so little boys.  LOTS of reader response to “Coach Jones”.

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