She-Drivers & Pontiffs

April22/ 2008

Danica won a race and the racing loonies are demanding “racing” no longer be considered “a sport”. Everyone was overwhelmed by The Pope.  The “why” is quite interesting.

 ORW IS DOING WHAT BOBLEE TOLD HIM TO DO!  Ol’ Roy is doing it in his words but he’s doing it.  He is stepping up during the Rams Tour events and explaining “the sticker”.  I was told in advance he would do it but was still nervous Wed night that he was going to stick “a but” on the end …. But he didn’t.  Sticker-gate is a dead issue now, but nothing ever “dies” w/ the board dummies.  Mainstream UNCers (aka the only ones that matter) can move on now.  ORW has plugged the dike.  Attaboy Roy!

   The Pale Rider did fine at the Wed night show too.  I have an angle on this “Butch thing”.  He is a quite decent guy, and his staff is all high character guys.  The problems that Butch is having are ALL being caused by Jimma.  The $300,000 ransom and the “only four” issues are Jimma trying to grab his own $$$.  Butch needs to do with Jimma Sexton what A-Rod did with Scott Boras …. cut the greedy little sumbitch loose ASAP.  Butch Davis can have a fine life developing a solid FB program at UNC ….. but greedy Jimma is always going to be “a problem”. ….. stay tuned.  Ya just never know.

 I think Danica Patrick is cute as a bug …. a dryball personality, but cute.  Apparently she is well qualified to drive an Indy car.  I am not.  Danica won an IRL race this weekend in Japan.  It was a regular IRL event competing against real IRL drivers …. NOT little Japanese dudes riding scooters.  Danica winning a race has sent scads of racing loonies in hot pursuit of new excuses for dissing cute little Danica.

Danica has long been compared to Anna Kournikova.  Anna K never won an IRL race either but was tall, blond and marketed her sexuality.  Danica is short, brunette, markets her sexuality …. and never won a Women’s tennis tournament.  The comparisons are therefore obvious to the loonie mind.

Ernie Banks never appeared in a World Series.  Half the field in a NASCAR race have never “won a cup race” either but did not appear in the SI swimsuit edition.  75% of a PGA Tour field have never won a PGA tournament …. but none have posed in leather mini-shorts draped over the hood of a car.

So why are loonies so agitated about cute little Danica?  By winning has she performed a mass castration of all esmasculated loonies?  I watched racing loonies go nutzo on USAToday,, and ESPN websites.  Now that Danica THE GIRL “has won”; Loon strategy is to have “auto racing” re-categorized as “not a sport”.

The “____ is not really a sport” debate is what loonie fans do on rainy days or while waiting for an order of wings at their local sports bar.  If there is only one loonie, he plays solitaire with a deck of 51 …. or sticks his head in an oscillating fan.

The criteria for “a sport” varies depending upon what sport one is campaigning to have re-classified on any particular day.  “Only if real men sweat doing something with a ball” is a broad definition.  Two 90 y/os playing bocce ball in mid-July qualifies …. but 40 guys (and a cute gal or two) driving cars at 200 mph inches apart from each other for four hours does not ???  When loon logic ever starts sounding logical, call Nurse Ratchet and tell her to bring the lobotomy kit.

Call it “a sport”.  Call it “a ham sandwich”.  Call it “a left-handed monkey wrench”.  Danica Patrick has won an IRL race. ……. “Yeah, maybe so but I betcha she don’t win anutha one … grumble, mumble, burp.”


    My Missus fell in love w/ “The Pope” last week.  Which is OK, since I once lusted over “a nun”.  OK, it was Sally Field but she was playing “a nun”.  That Benny The 16th came across the pond and charmed a nation in a way not seen since The Moptops From Liverpool did it in the mid 60s. ….. (Who’d have ever figured that goofy ol’ Ringo would be the only Beatle to be happily married -27 years? ….. with a Bond girl of course.)

Anyway …. Missus was mesmerized by Pope Benedict’s grace, poise and sincerity.  She asked me “why”.  I said easy ……

“you’re comparing him to our daily dose of scumbag politicians.”

   You could render down the US Congress, US Senate, The White House, the DNC and RNC, every Governor, Mayor and school board member from sea to shining sea and not end up with enough grace and sincerity to build one itty bitty mini-Pope.

He’s not running for anything.  He’s THE POPE.  Other than being Steve Williams (Tiger’s caddy) what is better than being The Pope.  Fifteen years ago I might have said “Ann-Margaret’s cabana boy” but A-M 2008 is not Viva Ann-Margaret.

The Pope also knows that no matter what he says, a high % of people on Earth won’t take his advice and will spend eternity either in hell or worse, watching American Idol.  The Pope doesn’t have to “misspeak” like politicians because POPES DON’T LIE.  Politicians all Lie A Lot.  

Imagine a few months ago when bevys of mindless galoots were swooning over Cocoa Puff’s inane banalities.  That was all pre-skeletons tumbling out of his closet …. oops. Compare The Pope to Cocoa Puff or Hilly or McCrazy or Oprah or Jimmy Carter or Dubyah or Rev Algore of The Church of The Imminent Calamity or Jeremiah Wright.  Benny The 16th can pull off the beanie and the red bedroom slippers schtick because he is just so goshdarned “good”.  Jimmy Carter and Jeremiah Wright ???? …. Yeah, right.

Slick Willie tried to be “A Pope” by globally galavanting and saying magnanimous pieties but once a sleazy horn-dog always a sleazy horn-dog.  Copin’ feels on cocktail waitresses is very un-pontiffy.

EVERYBODY else has an agenda.  The Pope has A Mission From God.  Missions From God impress people.  There is a reason that Mother Teresa outscores “Madonna” on the most admired list even allowing for those who think it’s the same Madonna that King Jimmy talks about.  Oprah is still way ahead on the AntiChrist list.

The only guy that even merits being on the same page as The Pope is Archie Manning.  Even “Benny 16” is in awe with what The Mannings have accomplished.

I agree with Missus.  Pope Benedict is a very cool dude.  If he was the Democratic nominee I might even vote for him …. 

Speaking of Demo candidates ….. Operation Chaos is now so goofy that Howard Dean is on life-support and Crazy Jimma Cahhta is offering himself as The Doomsday Option.  Imagine if Cocoa Puff had to campaign in Iowa and those early states NOW that the World sees him as the empty suit he always was.  I knew all about Jeremiah and the other skeletons months ago and so did the RNC …. Cocoa Puff was destined to come apart under the hot lights like a cardboard suitcase left out in the rain.

How do you think Apple Cheeks feels these days?  He had to know BO was the empty suit all along too.

In local politics ….. Andy Griffith is doing a commercial for “Baby Dumpling” Perdue.  That sews up the dirty ol’ man vote.  “Ange” and Tony Rand can fight over Bev’s bath water.  I hear Jimbo The Weasel and “The Cryptkeeper” have always thought Bev was a “feisty little filly” too.


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