Elvis, Moses, Travis, Lewis & Me

April22/ 2008

The late Lewis Grizzard’s best-selling books were simply column anthologies but the TITLES were legendary. ….   Lewis’ 1984 book was “Elvis Is Dead and I Don’t Feel Too Good Myself ….”.  Saturday night I feed that into the paraphrase hopper and it came out “Moses is Dead and I Don’t …..” …. On April 5, 08 Charlton “Moses” Heston fogged his last mirror.  While in the shadow of The Alamo, Col. William Barrett Travis welcomed Roy & His Boys into the Fraternity of Fallen Heroes.

Buddies and Babes …. I have no intention of sitting here on a beautiful April Sunday and giving you a lecture on dealing with sports-related disappointment.  If, by Wednesday or Thursday, you are still in a stupor funk and muttering invectives to the effect of “ …. (grumble grumble) %#@% Roy … %#@% Packer … %#@% ‘they’ let ‘us’ down …” then call my office and make an appointment.
Otherwise simply find your well-worn platitude of choice from the list below.  Feel free to choose several if you wish but keep the line moving.  We have a lot of folks to serve so, like they say at The Varsity in Atlanta, …. “whatta ya have, whatta ya have ???”

WARNING:  As with the Eve Carson incident …. there is an initial reaction then a delayed reaction.  Give this 3-4 days to ferment and the REALLY All-Pro Nitwits will be bloviating their insanity.  Trust me …. by this Thurs you will be hearing some incredible stoopidity relative to Roy, the UNC program, et al.  I’m here to help you thru these times.  We’ll be OK.  I promise.

  • …. It’s just a game (yuck … ptui …. bletch …. gag … cough)
  • …. We made it farther than Duke did
  • …. We made it farther than State did
  • …. We made it farther than Kentucky did
  • ….We made it farther than Choppin State did
  • …. We made it farther than everybody except Kansas and Memphis
  • …. Its UNC birthright to win national championships because _____ .
  • …. Over the past 51 years, 46 years have ended in a UNC loss
  • …. Roy shoulda blah blah blah
  • …. Dean woulda blah blah blah
  • …. Larry Brown / Frank McGuire / Matt Doherty woulda blah blah blah
  • …. Butch won 33% of his games this year.  Roy won 91% of his.
  • …. Yeah, but Butch did win his final game of the season
  • …. I GIVE UP …. I can’t take “them” letting “me” down every year.
  • …. I really hate Billy Packer now because he …….
  • …. John Edwards blames corporate America
  • …. The refs were “in cahoots” against us with ESPN, NCAA, ACLU, & PETA
  • …. Yo Roy – Go back to Kansas you bum …
  • …. Yo Roy – We Luv Ya Man
  • …. Let’em all ‘go pro’ …. Who cares?
  • ….Woody blamed it on “those SEC referees”.
  • …. Does Ron Loneski feel vindicated now?
  • …. Damn those Greenhouse gases!
  • …. I’m sooo tired of those FreeCreditReport.com commercials
  • …. Charlton Heston tended to over-act just a tad.
  • …. At least Makhtar wasn’t in San Antonio this time
  • ….We were too “stoic” at the player introductions (!!!)
  • …. I thought The Alamo was bigger
  • …. Get a $%^#@ rope for Roy
  • …. What a fine season.  Meet the plane and show’em we love’em
  • …. If we had Marvin, Brendan & Neal Fingleton we’da won by golly.
  • …. Anyone got extra Masters tickets?
  • …. This hurts even worse than (past season-ending loss of choice)
  • …. This does not hurt as bad as (past season-ending loss of choice)
  • …. If they banned guns, this wouldn’t have happened
  • ….Whats the “blame Coach K for this” angle?
  • ….We need to recruit more thugs
  • ….We need to recruit less thugs (less than zero?)
  • ….Fire Roy …. hire Dave Hanners.
  • …. It’s George Bush’s / talk radio / CO2 / Big Oil / Mike Nifong’s fault
  • …. Cocoa Puff says if he’s elected he’ll make sure we win next years
  • …. Eve Carson’s parents probably don’t care all that much
  • …. Apu’s parents didn’t even watch the game
  • ….Roy doesn’t HATE Kansas enough and didn’t REALLY “want to win” !!
  • …. Was Lame Duck Moeser there clapping like a gay seal?
  • …. Mike Fox’s baseballers BETTER get back to Omaha again.
  • …. Those KU big men were on steroids and HGH
  • …. That idiot Baddour shoulda hired Bill Self
  • …. What “great game last week against Louisville” ???
  • …. That Rock Chalk cheer is stoopid
  • …. Did Davy Crockett die valiantly or did he surrender?
  • …. Raleigh needs a Riverwalk
  • …. Now we can concentrate on Politics.  Who’s running this year?
  • …. Was that Eva Longoria & Tony Parker at The Grand Hyatt?
  • ….We need to spend $100,000,000 on the Smith Center to compete!
  • …. It’s not fair
  • …. If we’d had Stephan Curry we’da won by golly.
  • …. I never gave up.
  • …. I gave up before Billy Packer did
  • …. WWECS What Would Eve Carson Say …..
  • …. Thank Gawd for Field Hockey
  • …. We’ll never win as long as ______ .
  • …. We’ll never win until _____ .
  • …. We’ll never win unless ______ .
  • …. Why Do Bad Things Happen To Loyal Loonies
  • …. How does Roy expect me to explain this to my heartbroken 6 y/o son?
  • …. KU cheated.  I’m not sure how but I’m sure they did
  • …. National Championships are meaningless UNLESS we win them

AND ….

  • …. I guess they can pry that rifle from Charlton’s fingers now.

Oh, somewhere in the Heartland the sun is shining bright,
A pep band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere Jayhawks are laughing, and little Jayhawks shout;
But there is no joy in Chapel Hill …. 
for our lights 

…. they were punched out.

Colonel Travis’ famous “last letter” from The Alamo: (a long time fave of BobLee’s)

Fellow citizens and compatriots;
I am besieged, by a thousand or more of the Mexicans under Santa Anna. I have sustained a continual Bombardment and cannonade for 24 hours and have not lost a man. The enemy has demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise, the garrison are to be put to the sword, if the fort is taken. I have answered the demand with a cannon shot, and our flag still waves proudly from the walls. 
I shall never surrender or retreat. Then, I call on you in the name of Liberty, of patriotism & everything dear to the American character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch. The enemy is receiving reinforcements daily and will no doubt increase to three or four thousand in four or five days. If this call is neglected, I am determined to sustain myself as long as possible and die like a soldier who never forgets what is due to his own honor & that of his country. Victory or Death.

William Barret Travis 
Lt. Col. Comdt.
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