Mike&Roy Said ____ ….

February22/ 2008

Mike said ___ so Roy said ___ but Roy meant ___ ….. and Jane Fonda said ___.  The Jason Kidd trade went thru.  Kelvin Sampson may be thru.  The SI Swimsuit issue is out but the school librarians don’t care any more ….. Barack OWonka Said ___ ….. but BobLee found Nip/Tuck so all the rest is just Elevator Chatter …..

In the pre-IPod days getting on to an elevator tested one’s ability to parry and thrust with quite imperfect strangers in the art of inane chatter.  Stand still, face forward, don’t touch anyone, push “your floor’s” button even if it is already lit, and wait nervously for some chatty yahoo to try and start a round robin conversation. …… it is a toss-up as to which was most feared – the flatulent passenger or the chatty magpie one.

Now with IPods and ear buds that exercise in vertical group dynamics has gone the way of pay phones and “real leaders” ….. GOTCHA!


   Did you really think I was going to move on without a follow-up to “…. Bring The Marshmallows”?  Silly readers!  BobLee’s Ultimate Survival Guide For Enjoying Socio-Political Genocide definitely added to the national “elevator chat” about how come America is Thelma & Louiseing itself.

“…. Marshmallows” did not make our Top Five in total views.  It could have if I had cleverly inserted any two of the following in the title teaser ….. Butch, Roy, K, Dickie, Kenan, Wolfpack, nekkid quarterback or “the next UNC Chancellor will be ____”, but I purposely didn’t.   85% of the subscribers here are among the rapidly dwindling segment of the American public known as “rock-ribbed, salt-of-the-earth adults with cognitive powers of varying strengths”.  The remaining 15% are, believe it or not …. goggle-eyed, spittle-spewing, mouth breathing bottom feeders.  Go figure.  That bunch only “read more” if I entice them with certain key words (see above).

“…. Marshmallows” got a ton of reader responses and did get linked to various national blogs and websites from sea to shining sea.  It did cause more than a few folks to step back off “the ledge” and simply accept the reality that although Countdown To Armaggedon has indeed begun, most of us Baby Boomers will be wearing halos and strumming harps before the really yucky plagues and pestilence arrive.  In the meantime we will take solace in small victories such as The N&O’s dwindling readership %s and Gene Nichol being behind BOTH Christian Laettner and Hawkeye Whitney on the UNC Chancellor short list.

We can not avoid “politics” as an on-going column topic because “politics” has now invaded every aspect of our lives.  We will however be according “it” the total disrespect that it has so well-earned.  I will go to my cremation urn with my out-moded socio-cultural ideology firmly in tact.

To quote Barack OWonka …. “Today was Yesterday’s Tomorrow but HOPE without the “P” is HOE.”.  Barack should train his Oompa Loompas to make that tongue clucking sound that the Islamofascist mobs make.

   New name for Barack & Hillary ….. “Ebony & Ovary”.  Yes, you can use it ….. just say you read it on BobLee’s site.  Or “Cocoa Puff & Cackle” …. we like to offer choices.  Remember we don’t like McCrazy either.

   So let’s take off our headphones and check in on America’s Elevator chit-chat……

    Rosemary’s Other Baby said ____  ….. so The Blue Messiah said ____ ….. then he said what he meant to say was ____  ….. but by then the board monkeys were hanging upside down from their tire swings.

Mike&Roy are two tightly wound, highly successful, no nonsense guys.  They are forever linked one to the other not unlike Sidney Poitier and Tony Curtis in The Defiant Ones running thru the swamps with the bloodhounds baying at their heels.  In their case however their “bloodhounds” are “the media” and the loonies.

It would be incorrect to say that Mike&Roy would prefer to “just coach kids” on rec league teams in Casper Wyoming far away from the absurdum that is their chosen world.  Both enjoy the material spoils that come with tolerating that absurdum.  But both, especially Ol’ Roy, have a hair trigger toxic intolerance to it all.

Deano used 30 years of assorted substance addictions to alleviate his distaste for it all.  Mike, depending upon who you believe, went under the surgeon’s scalpel to relieve the pressure.  Chapel Hill’s poster boy for vertigo could be proving that too many stoopid questions and too many idiot fans (and not enough point guards) are leading causes of dizziness in Hall of Fame coaches.

Ol’ Roy, bless his heart, is still hoping that sports talk radio and message boards are passing fads.  And Dean was convinced that beer and sports fans did not belong together.  Dad gummit!

So long as so many hapless souls choose to fixate on Mike&Roy to escape their own mundane worlds, then Mike&Roy will be forever prisoners in their shared world.

The 2008 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is on the news stands.  What does it say that the National Association of Grade School Librarians did not even blink, much less harumphhh in self-righteous indignation.

For Baby Boomer guys, where we were in 1978 when we saw Cheryl Rae Tiegs in “that swimsuit” is as burned in our brains as Nov 22, 1963, Elvis on Ed Sullivan or 9/11.  Cheryl in “that swimsuit” joined Ann-Margaret in Viva Las Vegas, Barbara Eden’s “Jeannie” and Joey Heatherton in “that mattress ad” as first ballot inductees in the Baby Boomer Hall of Ultimate Babes.

Cheryl gave way to Christie Brinkley and Kathy Ireland over the years and then the invasion of all the Euro chicks with names we couldn’t pronounce.  But thru it all we could always count on the outraged school librarians.

The “cancel our subscription” letters from America’s moral heartland took on the significance of Puxatawney Phil and his shadow.  No one much cares about P-Phil any more either what with The Weather Channel.

The 2008 SI Swimsuit Issue is now a separate issue all its own.  The gals are still as air-brushed, willowy and unattainable as ever …. But who needs’em in the Internet Age when any yahoo galoot with a mouse and a modem is two clicks away from an All You Can Slobber Over Perv buffet on millions of cyber porn sites. The single largest category of websites is Porno.  There are twice as many porn websites as any other category.

Anything from a full frontal Riley Skinner to Estelle Getty Does Rin Tin Tin on Gilligan’s Island is just a click or two away.  Google any perverted phrase you can think of and someone has a site for aficionados of it.  Imagine my surprise when I typed in Mickie Krzyzewski’s Whorehouse at Hope Valley Country Club and THIS SITE popped up.

SI’s Swimsuit Issue has not gotten any less risqué …. It has just become techno-irrelevantly blase.

I suppose we can go ahead and insert Jane Fonda’s recent little Today Show moment here.  Somewhere Dave Garroway and J. Fred Muggs are blushing.  Thirty years after Barbarella and this petrified iconic skank can still embarrass her daddy.

In Bloomington IN the unwashed masses await the decision on just how important winning is to Hoosiers.  Hiring Kelvin Sampson as Indiana’s basketball coach was akin to hiring Clyde Barrow as a bank manager.  Apparently IU’s due diligence on Kelvin never went further than his W-L record.  I will be shocked if Sampson is relieved of his position.  I guarantee you the Hoosier Lunatic Fringe is claiming he was framed by their hated rivals.

   Remember the #1 Rule of Intercollegiate Cheating:

“Everybody Cheats …. But Us”.

   The NBA is now trading retired players.  What’s next? …. Rights to unborn illegitimate children.  Jason Kidd is now a Maverick and General Francisco Franco is still dead.

I have discovered the TV show Nip Tuck.  It’s been around 4-5 years but I thought it was on HBO or Showtime which we don’t get.  It’s on FX. Recently I was trying to escape Law & Order and any sort of Campaign ’08 bilge and found myself in the quite bizarre world of Drs McNamara & Troy.  This show is so far “out there” it makes Boston Legal seem like C-Span.

I’m not sure what it says about me that after DVRing a few episodes I can now predict what’s going to happen next.

When the double amputee wheeled herself into Dr Troy’s office to announce that their Spring break lust-child of 25 years prior was getting it on with his son …. You knew that Troy and the legless woman would be re-lusting by the next commercial break.  They were and quite graphically so.

Toss in John “Bo Duke” Schneider as a smut peddler and Sharon “Cagney & ___” Gless as a certified nutjob and all that is missing is Lorne Green as a hermaphrodite.  This has to be Nancy Pelosi’s favorite show.

If you are ready for TV with absolutely zilch socially redeeming value whatsoever …. check out Nip Tuck.


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