Quick, Find Larry Brown!

February16/ 2008

Wayne Ellington had a Shammond/ Dante/ Rick Fox “Can’t Throw It In The Ocean” Game ….. with 2:00 to go, a sure “3” squirts out that would have meant an end of game scenario that Bobby Jones and Sweet D coulda pulled off blindfolded ….. Alas, the “real fans” are fashioning a noose for Ol’ Roy. …..  BCS Butch welcomes “an outstanding group of young men choosing to pursue a series of eligibility electives at UNC”. ….. and BobLee reviews a skin(ner) flick in Camel City.

Blue Collar Comedian Bill Engvall has his trademark schtick “Here’s your sign” to recognize random acts of pure unadulterated dumbness.  Bill never has to repeat himself.  Icky bugs and stoopidity multiply faster than either can be stomped out …… one jilted Deacon coed did what ACC defenses could not do. ….. I can’t figure how to work the phrase “nekkid bootleg” into all this so lets just cut to the chase.

Being Riley Skinner around Wake Forest (the school not the burgeoning Triangle suburb) should be a darn good gig.  QB leader of the Demon Deacons’ rise to College Football prominence, Riley has to be the latest “Hi, I’m Donny Anderson. Now how do you feel?” ….. or a Larry Miller or any number of jock de jour’s to send coed hearts afluttering amid “the color and pageantry” ……. Except this particular “jock” wasn’t wearing his jock.

I received in excess of two dozen “BobLee have you seen THIS?” when this story went cosmic about two weeks ago.  Naïve me, I immediately thought vicious photoshop prank perpetrated by a pimply-faced narget from a rival academic institution.  I contacted my highly placed Deacon Buddies for confirmation.  Their silence was deafening.  I went upline to THE Man who has his finger on the pulse of Camel City goings-on.  If Ron Wellman sneezes my buddy knows who says Geshunteit.

“BL, it’s legit.” ….. uh oh.  A sordid tale of campus romance gone sour in the Internet Age.

Apparently about 3-4 months ago, Riley gave his WFU sweetie “a present”.  A picture of him “out of uniform”.  A full frontal picture of him completely “out of uniform”.  Not nary a piece of Old Gold or Black anywhere to be found on the quite buff physique of the heralded signal caller.  Howsabout one Old Gold or Black fig leaf?  Nope.  NOTE:  The photo on the left was “cropped” for use on this website, unlike Riley who is not.

One must assume Riley and his then sweetie had advanced their relationship beyond an ice cream soda with two straws at Steak ‘N’ Shake.  If she reciprocated with an exchange of birthday suit photos, it has not hit the “Net” yet ….. but Riley’s did.

The hint “his then sweetie” clues you in where this evolved.  Yep, apparently Riley decided monogamy was not for him at this point in his life.  We don’t know if he got back the friendship ring or the teddy bear he won for her at The Dixie Classic Fair …. But he did not get back the “HERE’S RILEY” image from several months earlier.

WFU has a neat little computer thingie whereby one jilted sweetie can hit SEND and everybody on campus immediately gets an e-mail with whatever a jilted sweetie included in what she sent.  Once those 5,000 randy Baptists got it, it was a nano-second before two goatherds in Bavaria and a Maori tribesman in New Zealand had their cyber copies.  Move over Tim Duncan, Norm Snead and Mark Dale ….. there’s a new famous Dandy Demon in Deaconville.

The life lessons in all this should be apparent.  But you’d akinda thought there woulda been a pre-thought 3-4 months ago.  ….. the “upside” is Riley has developed quite a fan following among the Meet In Airport Restrooms faction.

The purpose of relating this sordid tale was just so I can say ….. “I am NOT going to mention “Brian’s piccolo” or write “Riley Got Sacked” or nickname Riley Skinner “Boner McKinney”.  Nope, I’m not going to do it.


   The Good News from last night is ….. No one was caught on camera telling John Schreyer to “go back to the ghetto”.  ….  Remember eleven months ago when I told you that the Tar Heel Lunatic Fringe had 5,000 posts about “what RatFace said” about Henderson hitting Tyler BEFORE Mike had even said anything.  Then there were 20,000 posts that totally ignored what K actually said for a more incendiary version.  No matter how you mix up the letters, you cannot spell “TRUTH” using the letters I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T.   Except here of course.

Last night before the two teams were back in their lockerrooms, the Leatherfaced Lunatics were carving up Ol’ Roy and running his innards thru the meat grinder.  Gring grind grind.

At 11;23 PM the first “It’s that damn Dickie’s fault …. for not hiring Larry Brown” was posted and steaming like you-know-what “steams” if you’ve ever walked thru a cow pasture.

Yep …. The “real fans”, still steaming that Ol’ Roy had dared to lose earlier to Maryland, were calling Kelly Tilghman for advice on where to buy a rope.  Tough crowd!

As noted above …. Despite a 3 point shooting clinic by Duke’s Albino Bombers …. And some rather incredible aerial displays by Duke’s endless array of 6’5” guys named DemarcusHendersonThomas ….. Carolina coulda still pulled it out if that one NBA 3 by Ellington had gone 1” further down the net.

After Duke’s 10th straight 3 pt swish from downtown, that jerk Tim Brando actually said “Duke is shooting pretty good tonight“.  Can you believe that?  He’s always hated Carolina. What a jerk!

By the way ….. Paulus, Schreyer and that Brian Bersticker look-alike must use the same “bronzer” that the Carolina dance team uses.  Yo ….. try another one.  That one doesn’t work.  “Very Very Vanilla” is not one of Coppertone’s big sellers FOR A REASON.

As the disconsolate loonies bailed on The Blue Messiah there was, of course, the obligatory “Blame it on the fat cats in the lower level” rants.  Yes, the same fat cats expected to finance the blinging of Kenan-Davis-Sexton Stadium were, by loon logic, responsible for another round of water-cooler embarrassments to be endured by Carolina corps of anonymous corporate prairie dogs.  Ain’t life a bitch?

Another Ultimate Game immediately reduced to “irrelevance” due to the fact that “we lost”.  Had “we won” of course an entire new wing of The Carolina Basketball Museum would have been needed to commemorate the epoch occasion.

I know not what course others may take ….. but BobLee shall stick with “The Straight Talkin’ Huckleberry With Vertigo” for another 150 Ws or so. 


   Meanwhile, in the shabby confines of outdated old Kenan Stadium, BCS Butch announced that, despite having only one Jumbotron, only 60,000 seats, and way too many stoopid pine trees, he has amassed an incredible collection of 18 y/o scholars and future captains of industry to attend UNC next year.  They are, of course, “exactly who we wanted after careful analysis of our needs”.  127 other Division 1 Head Football Coaches made the exact same announcement within 5 minutes’ of Butch’s.  What were the odds of that happening?

The public fascination with NSD (that’s “National Signing Day” for those of you with real lives) now rivals (no pun intended) what Britany has for breakfast and Bill Clinton’s latest racial insult to Cocoa Puff.  The median IQ of America can now see single digits on a clear day.   There IS a reason that electric hair dryers carry the Warning DO NOT USE IN THE TUB OR SHOWER.

   Apparently 96% of this audience recognized MOE GREEN (ala Alex Rocco) in the Super Bowl parody of The Godfather “horse’s head in the bed” scene.  Moe, prior to being shot thru the eye. “earned his bones while the rest of you were chasing cheerleaders.”  NOTE:  The use of the term “bones” and “cheerleader” was not intended as another gig at Riley Skinner.

BobLee’s long awaited analysis of America’s current political brouhaha is fast approaching.  Warning: Do Not Read IT In The Tub or Shower either.  There IS a tunnel at the end of the light.


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