Gobble-ums Git Kelvin

January14/ 2008

Was Indiana poet James Whitcomb Riley thinking of poor maligned Kelvin Sampson when he wrote his classic “Little Orphant Annie” tales in 1885?  …. “the Gobble-ums ‘at gits you ef you don’t watch out!”.   A top-tier NCAA BB program “cheated” – “HOLY TARKANIAN BATMAN – STOP THE PRESSES! ….. speaking of “presses being stopped” the Old Gray Hag up in NYC is at it again.  The New “Free To Be Me” BobLee on why the NYTimes should stick to crossword puzzles.  Speaking of puzzles – Do they still have The Olympics? … WHY?

Betcha didn’t know that Little Orphan Annie was really Little Orphan ALICE but a typesetter’s error forever changed Daddy Warbucks’ provocative ingénue to Annie.  Yep …. Indiana’s most-loved poet, Jim Riley’s classic poem was about the Riley family’s maid, Mary Alice Smith’s, childhood tales. ….. Regardless, there is no “Tomorrow … Tomorrow” at IU for the NCAA’s most notorious cellphoner – Kelvin “Can you hear me now?” Sampson.

Will Hoosier loonies make “it was just a few phone calls” a well-worn whine like “it was just one pair of sneakers …”?  Time will tell.  Somewhere on Chicago’s South Side The Al Capone Was Misunderstood Society issues it’s annual “just tax evasion” press release.

Jim Delany’s motley crew of NCAA miscreant institutions is not as geographically compact as Little Johnny’s is but rival hatreds run just as “blood thirstily”.  For pious Hoosier loonies who gloated in recent years over the felonious shenanigans of Steve Fisher at Michigan and Jim O’Brien at Ohio State, the shenanigan light now shines on Bloomington.

What was Kelvin’s “real crimes”?  (1) Being Stoopid …. and (2) Being Sloppy.  Should that be penalized?  It always is when I do it.

Current Hoosier student-athletes (cough, cough), are, of course, being steadfastly loyal to their repeat offender coach/role model …… yawn.

IU admins are, of course, CYAing as fast as Danica Patrick posing on the backstretch at The Brickyard.  College admins without CYA skills become “former admins” really quickly.


These high profile collegiate sports disembowelments always bring out the history buffs.  Who can forget John “The Wizard” Wooden’s classic comment about Sam “Hot Tub” Gilbert.  When reporters asked The Westwood Wizard about Sam’s blatant “lavish friendships” with Bruin players in the late 60s-early 70s ….. John said “ ……..” …… when asked to repeat that, John replied “…….”.  So much for “Coaching Saints”.

We could bring up other “deified sideline faux-saints” but EVERY hardcore college sports fan truly believes that:

  1. HIS wife incurred certain gynecological modifications while horseback riding at Girl Scout camp or while doing “splits” as a grade school cheerleader.   
  2. HIS coach is the ONLY honest coach in America.  ….. cough, cough.  

Ever notice how much cynical “coughing” there is about “college athletics”? 

   Kelvin, and his Verizon Network, accepts his fate (and $750,000 in go-away bucks) confident that ….. 

  • There WILL BE a Fresno State (Tark), a San Diego State (Fisher) or an Auburn (Cliff Ellis) anxious to satiate their slobbering lunatic faction with “a commitment to winning” …… and 
  • Some childless couple with “a commitment to be parents” WILL adopt The Menendez Brothers when those poor misunderstood orphans get out of San Quentin on good behavior.  

In a related item …. The NCAA reinstated 8 Ws for Oklahoma Football that had been taken away in the Rhett Bomar scandal.  There was no word if Kelvin “cell phoned” his old employer to congratulate them.

PS:  My deep inside sources tell me that Kelvin is indeed “a good guy” albeit lured into a life of habitual rule breaking by a carnivorous sporting public.  Had his Native American ancestors not been forced from their homeland on “the trail of tears” none of this would likely be happening.  Damn those imperialistic Euro-Americans.


 WARNING:  You are about to enter the obligatory “Political Crap” Zone.  Feel free to skip down to the “The Olympics” stuff at the bottom.  You won’t hurt my feelings if you do.

My friends, I cannot tell you how LIBERATED I’m feeling these days.  I got begging calls last week from the RNC and the NCGOP.  I was “polite” to the beleaguered telemarketer but I doubt I’ll get any more calls this election cycle.

My convictions about how members of a society should conduct themselves individually and collectively are as strong if not stronger than ever.  But, me and “Floyd R. Turbo” are now just “Gawd-fearin’ Americans” and that’s it.

Before the goggle-eyed half-wits on the Far Left start gloating ….. I shall expose and eviscerate you pointyheaded flim flamers as vigorously as ever, maybe more so in fact.  But “The Newly Un-Affiliated” BobLee will expose and eviscerate the sleazy charlatans among the Repubs as well.  There’s enough of’em to provide regular “sport” for sure.

The NYTimes above-the-fold hatchet-job on John “I Was A POW” McCain was as totally predictable as a CaroLoonie blaming the refs after a UNC “L”….. or a WuffLoon blaming Lee Fowler for the lack of rain in this area.  I take issue with anyone who questions the “journalistic ethics” of The NYT.  Would one ask Jeffrey Dahlmer if he “wants a side salad with that Filipino”?  The word “ethics” was torn out of the NYT style book decades ago.

An aside ….. remember me telling you I was on-hand in the late 70s when Darryl Dawkins shattered his first NBA backboard?  In yet another BobLee Gump moment ….   Before the term “Drive-by Media” entered the global lexicon via EIB, I was in the delivery room when “Drive-by Media” was born.  I have indeed been blessed in the areas that really count.

The Manhatten-based fishwrapper that never once mentioned Juanita Broderick or, more recently, Reilee Hunter, now brings us Vicki Iseman on page one based on unnamed sources.

Now understand, John “…..POW” McCain has more skeletons in his closet than Wes Craven or Stephen King but this particular one is “piffle”.  America’s most self-described “former POW” thought he could cozy up to the DNC House Organ with his various Left-leaning legislative actions.  WRONG Senator!  You may be a RINO but even “in name only” will get you gutted by the msm. ….. Oh, John, you’d best tell Ms Cyndi to practice that “stand by my man” speech.  She’s gonna be repeating it A LOT over the next nine months.

Check my math ….. the “former POW” said he had dedicated every waking moment since I was 17 to “serving this country“.  That’s 54 years.  The Witch of Chapaqua is claiming 35 years of “non-stop service”.  Advantage to “the former POW” by 19 years.  Meanwhile Barack said “Hope” and “Change” a total of 47 times while brushing his teeth this morning.  He then fainted upon seeing his reflection in the mirror.

On the local front ….. The N&O covered, as “NEWS”, an “anti-war rally at UNC” on Thursday.  Held at The Pit, this rally(!) drew “a crowd of 30” according to the N&O story on this “event”.  Meanwhile at Hector’s on Franklin Street a crowd of over 200+ swooned while watching Tyler Hansbrough eat a grilled cheese sandwich.  “30” …. “a crowd of 30” !!!! …. UNC glories in its tradition of effusive public displays of radical jackassity that goes back to the 60s ….. but “a crowd of 30”.   Even Meezie’s whizbang “candlelight vigils” draw crowds of 35-40 (if its not raining and if the temperature is at least 60 degrees). ….. “a crowd of 30” is not even worth Mohammed “Not-A-Terrorist” bringing his Killer SUV to the party.

 NOTE:  You are leaving the Political Crap Zone.

Drive carefully and drink responsibly …. 


   Steven Speilberg is not going to The Olympics!  Neither am I.  I didn’t know there still were “The Olympics”.  As is evident in the Trivia section here, I’m pretty freakin’ good at “trivia” but I could not tell you where the past 2-3 “The Olympics” have been held.  Wasn’t there a “The Olympics” in Atlanta back when?  ….. Al Oerter …. Olga Korbut …. Igor TerOvanezian …. East German judges ….. Bela Legosi (??) …. Jamaican Bobsled team …. Mike Eruzioni.  But who knew they still held these silly things.

Is it true that Durham is bidding to host the 2020 “The Olympics”.  Is Mike Nifong heading the delegation?  Will Lacrosse be an Official Sport at The Durham Games? ….. maybe Drive-By Shooting …. or Exotic Dancing ??  Will the Wally Wade restrooms be fixed by 2020?

 Oh Oh Oh …. Speaking of Lacrosse ….. a whole new batch of law suits were filed this week.  These will finally target the ever-lovable “Gang of 88”.  Anything that exposes the atrocities of that snarling bunch of sideshow freaks is “a good thing”.  Sic’em.

So there IS a “The Olympics” coming up in Beijing, huh?  That’s in China, right?  Used to be called Peking?  Will the Mongolian wrestler carry their flag with one hand?    Will Katie Couric do the “up close and personals”?    Will Katie wear underwear?    Will Brian McNamee be the trainer for Team USA?    Will the ACLU allow the playing of The Star Spangled Banner if any USA people win?    Will Michelle OWonka be “proud” of any USA gold medal winners?   Is Apple Cheeks helping any “poor” athletes train at his lavish fitness center on the outskirts of Chapel Hill? …… Will Marian Jones have a sex change and try and compete as “WoJo”?  …. more importantly ….

 Will CSI-Miami or Shark be pre-empted to show the silly mess?

   I’d rather watch replays of the Iowa Caucus Results ….. now THAT was compelling television.


   On the HGH Misremembering Front ….. looks like Roger WAS indeed at Jose’s Pool Party.  Uh oh!  If it turns out it was really Mike Piazza in “the green bikini” that might explain a few other things.  Where was Bill Belichek’s favorite videographer when we needed him?

  One-legged girls work at IHOP!  I LOVE that groaner.  There are at least 25 other similar jokes about dismembered people with missing limbs named “Bob”, “Ilene”, “Art”, et al.  Ask any 5th grader for the complete list.


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