Rimshots 01/07/08

January08/ 2008

Over the years, our most popular columns are always the cornucopias of current absurdities. …. Today we bounce all over the place from Iowa/New Hampshire to “the bowls” to ACC FB to Ol’ Roy to Jack Nicholson to “the kidnappees” to Nicholas Cage and other stuff ….. You’ll find something to whet your opinionator.

The BCS Games ….. I watched about as much of as many bowl games as I usually do.  The only one I much cared about, of course, was Mizzou whompin’ Arkansas. …. If I’m Bob Stoops I’m avoiding Arizona for the next decade.   Must we have “a play-off” to survive as a planet?  We live with the designated hitter and freshman eligibility …. we can live with “no play-off”.  ….. be advised that EVERY BOWL SEASON from now on will have a minimum of six “interim” head coaches as winning coaches bolt for bigger $$$$.

John Edwards ….. this smarmy fop is giving abject frauds a bad name.  There is no one else on the national political scene who has his special quality of Eddie Haskell “oilyness”.  A group of his “friends” left NC to go to Iowa to help him in the final days.  Unfortunately they came back.

Butch Davis’ ‘08 Recruiting …. Should UNCers be worried about Butch’s current “unstellar” recruiting efforts?  How can anyone expect Butch to romance Blue Chippers without skyboxes and a bigger Jumbo?  A less than “stellar” class in February will have Loonies diving off cliffs.  That would be a good thing.  Butch will do “OK”.

The Three Kidnappees …..  there was a general assumption being made about Simon, Theodore and Alvin that has proven to be a mis-assumption.  With the recent disclosure of the identities of the three UNC Football “fondlees” the question “WERE YOU BOYS OUT OF YOUR MINDS?” takes on a great significance.

Iowa’s Andy Warhol Moment ….. The land mass immediately north of Missouri has now receded into “fly-over oblivion” until 3.5 years from now.  Sure its more evidence that American politics is simply one Simon Cowell short of American Idol, but I think the Hawkeye Cauci furor is appropriate considering the quality of participants.

Obama Wins In Iowa ….. If my only choices were Obama, Hilly or Fraud Boy I would crawl thru broken glass to vote for the Taupe Guy w/ Funny Ears.

June Jones Quits at Hawaii ….. citing “lack of loyalty and committment from the administration”.  I bet there is another side to this story.  June will likely go to SMU ….. and Aloha Stadium will not get a giant Jumbo.

Will The Patriots Win IT ALL ….. yes, including The Tour De France, the World Cup and Super Tuesday.  Boston sports teams will never lose another game in anything.  Tom Brady is NOT the father of Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby.

Is Hilly Kaput? ….. NOT ON YOUR LIFE.  Clinton Inc will be slashing and burning Taupe Man 24/7 now …. by using media operatives to plant the slanderous innuendos.  The Hilly-beast is throwing ashtrays and lamps at every one of her Ichabods including El Slickster.  Before they drag her off kicking and screaming there will be hell to pay for everyone around her (except for Huma of course).

What About Huckabee ….. I’m don’t have an official opinion on Reverend Mike yet.  I have friends ready to send him their life savings if need be but I’m not that sold yet.  I do want to know where Chuck Norris gets his teeth whitened ……

Any Good Movies??? ….. National Treasure II ….. if you liked the first one then you’ll like the second one.  I really like Nicholas Cage’s character in this.

The ACC in Bowl Games ….. Should Little Johnny simply disband the ACC after such a post-season shellacking in the bowls?  Absolutely, and by Wednesday at the latest.  Big Time College Football enjoys parity between #5 and #30.  When Kenan gets that $150,000,000 worth of bling bling everything will be OK again.

Sean Taylor ….. has any celebrity malady ever been “dramatically over-killed” as much as The Death of Sean Taylor?  Yes …. See above referenced to “Courageous Elizabeth”.

Jack Nicholson ….. there is A GREAT INTERVIEW with Jack Nicholson in the current issue of Men’s Journal.  Get it …. read it.  It will be on the final exam.

What About Ol’ Roy’s Recruiting? ….. our nation and the world is on the brink of total anarchy and apocalyptic chaos.  The only element on the planet that IS under firm control is Ol’ Roy’s BB Program.  The Blue Messiah just keeps on takin’ care o’ bizness ….. Gotta Luv Ol’ Roy!

Duke Football …. Duke’s Caucasian Coach Cutcliffe has assembled a staff of very experienced football guys.  If UNC was only 3” better than Duke in November, they mighta narrowed that gap since then.  Ted Roof is now LB coach at Louisville.

Is WVU’s Bill Stewart the next Carl Torbush? ….. Quite likely.  Any time a sitting Governor gets personally involved in selecting a football coach, no good can come of it.  If Bev “Baby Dumpling” Perdue becomes Governor-ette of NC she should design Carolina’s new uniforms.

Randy Parton & Mike Nifong ….. Roanoke Rapids has booked Mikey to play his gee-tar at Randy’s Theater on April Fools Day.

The Do-Rag Caucus ….. When Do Rag legislators get caught (“when” not “if”) its always over some amateurish $$$$ grab under the Kunta Kenta Reparations Act.  When non-Do Raggers get caught its usually mis-use of power.  Not sure what that says about the respective scallywags except they all should be disemboweled in the public square.  Constituents who continue to elect the crooked Do Raggers consider “stealin’ from da man” as a virtue.  We got a lot of issues yet to be resolved as regards racial harmony don’t we?

How will Ol’ Roy’s Boys do this season? ….. Keep both Tyler and Ty healthy and Ol’ Roy could be river-walking in April ….. but if the unspeakable should happen I’ll still Luv Ol’ Roy.

Qualifications For US Prez …. “being a US Senator” (regardless of party) is as worthless a qualification to “be President” as “living next door to Mack Brown” would be to be a Head Football Coach.   Experience running “a complex something” should be a requirement whether that something is a mid-size city, a state or a large corporation.   Expecting a “Senator” to be an effective President is akin to expecting a peacock to pull a plow.

The US Senate & The Mainstream Media ….. which of these two impotent  institutions has less integrity and day in-day out is less of a total embarrassment to America.  Both represent arrogance, pomposity and are total undeserving of the slightest praise from anyone but themselves.  ….. NO ONE (of either party) who has ever served a single day in the US Senate is fit to be POTUS. …… Make Bill Parcells POTUS and he will fire the entire US Senate and replace them with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders …. all in favor yell AYE!

UNC’s Next Chancellor ???? ….. it doesn’t matter.  Erskine is “in charge”.  I vote for Hannah Montana or Tyler’s step-momma..


My Choice For President Today …… Either Jim Grobe or Chase Daniel.  Claire The Cheerleader on Heroes is my back-up choice.  Jim, Chase, and Claire have each demonstrated more common sense and personal integrity than the combined fields of either party.  But Chuck Norris has whiter teeth than any of’em.

Sports & Politics ….. Is there a whole lot more to Life than either Sports or Politics?  Yes….. THANK GOD!


0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x