Enough already with the yadda yadda about “plus one”, “plus two”, 16, 8, and Jim Delany’s secret deal with the Mayor of Pasadena. The Grand Poobah of Georgia has weighed in. Can the Governor of Wyoming’s brilliant ideas be far behind? University admins and elected officials can’t do their real jobs so why not tinker with college football. In a close race with Rosie O’Donnell and John Edwards’ pastry chef, yours truly has been named CZAR of College Football ….. so LISTEN UP ….
NOTE: That last column on “The Rat” went platinum within 24 hours. I get a big bonus from my sponsors when that happens so me & Mizzus are going to Hilton Head this weekend. Thanks guys and gals! …… (those parts about “going platinum …. going to Hilton Head …. and thank you” are legit. The “bonus thing” is just funnin’)
Lets cover the 500 pound gorilla first ….. A Post-Season Play-Off ….
Every message board monkey in America squawks “WE MUST HAVE A PLAY-OFF”. Apparently its these goggle-eyed nutjobs’ divine right to declare a true National Champion in College Football. Who knew? There is one HUMONGOUS issue that has nothing to do with “taking student-athletes (cough, cough) out of class”.
Who will attend the early round games? This is known as the Little Johnny Swofford Don’t Show The Empty Upper Deck gambit.
Don’t expect the manic board monkeys to go. They don’t even attend regular season games now. Pimply-faced nargets and 45 y/o Little League right-fielders don’t have $40 for a UNC v James Madison ticket. Where will they get $75-$90 for a “play-off ticket” much less how to get there if it’s further away than a six-hour drive to Atlanta ….. The board monkeys (aka “real fans”) will stay at home in their thread-bare barca-loungers and whine that the “damn” fat cats should travel to Memphis or Boise or Timbuktu for the games.
OR …. Play the early rounds at the home field of the higher seeded teams, guaranteeing a sell-out from the locals but shooting to hell the theory of “using existing bowl sites”. And putting the visitors in a hostile environment. Northern home teams in December means NFL type weather inclimation. All aboard to fly to East Lansing in late December for an outdoor game …. Yee haa. A raging blizzard is one way to counter the team speed of those SEC teams, huh?
BUT BUT BUT ….. fans travel now for three weekends of March Madness. Yes …. 5,000 fat cats do indeed follow their BB team for “hopefully” a two-game week-end series. Four fanbases fill a 18,000 seat arena. 5,000 football fat cats traveling to Orlando, Dallas or Kalamazoo in a 75,000 seat stadium is another matter.
BUT BUT BUT ….. the “small colleges” do it now. Yes …. And they play in 10,000 seat mini-stadiums plus no one much cares except the teams involved.
Using existing “bowl sites” gives a decided advantage to SEC and southern teams for fan proximity. Ohio State has a harder enough time as it is.
The only way “it MIGHT work” is multiple games on the same day at the same “ideal sites” ….. Atlanta, New Orleans, New Dallas, Miami, Phoenix, etc …. Like high schools do. Play double-headers at sexy sites with guaranteed good weather. Even then the fan followings for the early rounds will be marginal except for the 4-5 schools with legendary followings. Fewer of those than you think. The SEC Championship “works” because it is a domed stadium smack in the middle of the conference footprint.
If all that REALLY matters is TV then simply use the four best domed stadiums in the most accessible cities and screw the rest of the bowls and their goofy tourism councils hoping to reap great “economic impact”. Have the first round in mid-Dec, the second round on New Years and the NatChamp in mid-Jan …. Scheduled somehow around the NFL playoffs.
As for the other 25 existing “weedeater bowls” for the also-rans …. No one much cares now so no one will much care regardless …. Except, of course, for board monkeys who live for their team becoming “bowl eligible” by finishing 6-6.
Names of Bowls ….. regardless of any silly “play-off” Czar BobLee is immediately doing away with Corporate Bowl Names. All bowls will go back to having regional touristy names after fruit or weather or flowers or Alamos or stuff like that. Let corporate America give a ton of $$$$ and get lots of signs at the game and their Exec VP Marketing can get 5-minutes on camera to mispronounce something that will piss off all the board monkeys watching back home. But the game’s title will be “the old names”.
Referees ….. I’m doing away with “conference officials”. All referee crews will come from a central national booking office and no crew can work more than one game of any team in a season. If the rules are the same then any qualified official will call every play the same, right? Sorry Woody …. No more “SEC refs” to blame. “East German” officials will work all intense rivalry games. The Replay Official must hold a lighted match between his thumb and forefinger as he makes his decision.
Punting …. As with time outs, each team can “punt” a maximum of three times per half. “Going for it on 4th down” is exciting. We need more of it. Coaches can punt whenever …. But only three times per half.
Kickoffs …. EVERY kickoff that does not clear the backline on the fly MUST be runback. Touchbacks are not nearly as exciting as they might seem.
Green Uniforms ….. I’ve never liked “green uniforms” on a green field. With due respect to Marshall, Tulane and Michigan State, no more green uniforms.
Field Goals …. Point differential based on distance of the kick. 25 yards and in = 2 points ….. 26-49 yards = 3 points ….. 50 yards+ = 4 points.
Coaches Leaving For Mega $$$$ ….. if a coach bails out for mega $$$$ he must announce it on the steps of the library of the school he is leaving, at noon, while wearing a Speedo and a pair of bunny ears. The new school must supply a wagon load of rotting garbage for the spurned fans to chunk at him. Mark Mangino leaving Kansas under such conditions will be scary.
The Time Out Guy …. Every fan HATES the guy in the red jacket on the 20 that stops the game while someone sells beer, cars or Viagra. I’m replacing the Time Out Guy with two Hooters girls in Ultimate Jello Wrestling at mid-field. Play resumes when one girl says “Uncle”.
Jumbotrons ….. no school’s Jumbo can be bigger than its library. Texas and Texas A&M must enlarge their libraries ASAP.
The Yellow Line …. How “they” do “the yellow first down line” on TV is magic. I want it done on the field too. Use those two Hooters girls to stretch a yellow ribbon across the field but DO IT.
Post season suspensions …. Any player suspended for a bowl game for “undisclosed violation of team rules” will also miss the first three games of the next season …. Or have his thumbs chopped off …. His decision.
Pouring Water/Gatorade on a coach …. Any player even touching a Gatorade barrel will be shot by a sniper in the press box. This shark was jumped 20 years ago.
Sideline reporterettes ….. must only use girls who’s names end in “i” and who giggle a lot and pronounce “cute” as a 3 syllable word. Instead of asking the coaches inane questions at the half, they will play Russian roulette with the mascots. Recall the scene in Deerhunter.
Overtimes …. Must “go for two” from the beginning. After three exchanges, each team must use their 3rd team QB or the head coaches’ stepson.
Drum Majors …. Every “Big Time” school MUST have a drum major who can lean over backwards and touch his funny hat to the ground while running really fast. I LOVE it when they do that!
Goofy End Zone celebrations ….. see above for “Pouring Gatorade on a coach”.
Recruiting ….. any Blue Chipper who “pulls a cap out of a gym bag” will be ineligible until he publicly apologizes for his immaturity and general lack of creativity. He automatically loses his freshman eligibility and the gym bag.
Paying players ….. Incoming recruits can choose either of two option programs …. (1) get a “free” education …. Or (2) gets paid $2,500 for each W his team gets but all other expenses including the customary Escalade From His Mamma must be paid for by crooked alumni with bad haircuts and skanky daughters.
One National Message Board for all fans ….. there will be just ONE fan message board which will cost $10/post. Fans from 120 “major colleges” must use the same board to endlessly debate which one has ….. the sorriest AD ….. the prettiest coeds ….. The most B-list “celebrity” alumni ….. the best stadium ….. the most former players with rap sheets …. the most trees on campus …. the best stripes on their uniform pants …. and the dumbest no-count rivals. Every hour there will be a national poll for which school ESPN “picks on” the most.
John Edwards’ new title is “the metro-sexual Elmer Gantry”. The advance polling for Obama in New Hampshire was wrong due to The Wilder/Dinkins Effect. 50 years after the Civil Rights Act, Democrats like to SAY they will vote for a black candidate because it sounds so liberal to say so ….. but in the voting booth they don’t. Kinda like Democ pols kiss up to blacks and “poor people” but only to use them for photo ops. Hey, it works for’em.
Reverend Al is slipping. It took a full 48 hours after Golf Channel minx Kelly Tilghman apologized to Tiger for using the “L” word and Tiger said “no biggie” before Rev Al swooped in to DEMAND that she be fired and/or forced to kiss Don Imus on the mouth. In his heyday Al woulda been on this one like a crow on a June bug. Al did NOT comment on the recent proliferation of crooked black politicians in North Carolina.
Hillary, Elmer Gantry Edwards and Taupe Man ALL AGREE on one issue ….. “Who will Algore endorse?”. They all hope it will be Dennis Kucinich. Today Hilly celebrated John Kerry endorsing Taupe Man.
Before I can decide about Mike Huckabee, I need to know if I’m “an evangelical”. Notice how the mainstream media says that like “a pedophile” …. “a pole cat” …. “something stuck to my shoe” …. The media’s blatant contempt for Protestant Christianity has never been more pronounced. I’M SHOCKED! Not really. One sure thing …. When The Rapture comes it will get plenty of media coverage because there will be no NBC, CBS, ABC or CNN staffers named when “the roll is called up yonder” .