Happiness Is A Bald Headed Baby

November15/ 2007

To anyone who has flown more than twice, there is no more terrifying sight than to see babies getting on an airplane.  You brace for 2-3 hours of an ear-splitting assault on your auditory senses akin to a reciprocating saw being jammed in one ear and pulled out the other.  NOT SO FAST MY FRIENDS! …. Week Six looms upon us.  ….. Another Chancellor Search Update ….

That “Betty Lynn” that now resides in a Mount Airy retirement home is none other than “Thelma Lou”.  Yep, THAT Thelma Lou.  After an adult life spent in Los Angeles on the fringes of the acting business, Ms Lynn grew fearful of the crime in LA and has decided to live out her days in the personification of her most remembered role.   We should all be so fortunate ….

I say that “babies on board” is THE most terrifying sight on a plane.  Let me amend that.  Second Most.  …….. You are sitting about 2/3 back on a “sold-out” flight of over 3-hour duration.  It’s been a hectic day and you are frazzled.  You are in the window seat and the middle seat next to you is empty and they are about to close the door …. And then.  Jabba The Hutt’s ex-wife Whoopi The Hutt appears in the front of the plane and waddles directly for that empty seat.  She’s wearing a gravy-stained wife-beater t-shirt, a dirty denim mini and flip flops.  She last bathed when it rained three weeks ago and she spent the last two hours in the Smokers Lounge.  …. THAT is enough to make Ray Nitschke cry.

If it diminishes the guilt you feel about lamenting seeing “babies on board” not to worry.  Dr Spock AND Billy Graham both hated “babies on board” too.  In fourteen states it is considered justifiable homicide to crush the skull of a parent holding a screeching “baby on board”.  The trick is to be sure you are in the air space of one of those fourteen states when you lower the boom.

I was on a flight back from Minneapolis several years ago where the screeching baby situation got so bad I prayed for a dozen “shoe bombers” and a cargo hold full of black mambas.

So I’m flying home from DFW on Tuesday.  It’s a 60% full AA flight of 2.5 hours.  My nano is charged and loaded w/ Tom T. Hall, Alan Jackson, Gatlin Brothers and Johnny Horton.  At 30,000’ I’m safe from “blood thirsty cyber zombies” and assorted nutzos.  I have my own row and a freshly-purchased copy of some big format magazine promising to tell me how to be rich, sexy, famous, happy, buff and overcome “ED” by wearing a $5,000 wristwatch.

Aside …. I ALWAYS find at least three items in SkyMall that I can’t live without.  Alas, I leave the catalogue in the seatback and somehow DO manage to live without them.

So, 90 minutes headed east and I’m sipping my cranapple over ice and contemplating my next counter-assault on the forces of evil when “the first one” popped up …… a bald-headed little Kilroy ….. six rows up on the right side.  A little bald head about the size of a softball with two round eyes and a button nose peeping over the seat back.

It was over 20’ away but I swear I could smell Johnson’s Baby Powder.

Those two little innocent eyes said it all ….. “I don’t give a rat’s patoot about politics, college football, or the fate of western civilization.  I’m just a bald headed baby looking over this seat back at you.  Look back at me and for a few seconds you won’t give a rat’s patoot about that other crap either.” ….. the baby was right. 

Then like a whack-a-mole table another one popped up twelve rows up on the left, then another, and another …. There were at least four little bald headed babies peeking over seat backs and asking anyone looking at them to

   Please stop the insanity and at least ratchet back the total obliteration of civility on this planet.  We want at least a few years in a pre-Apocalyptic world.” ….. Indeed.


   Chancellor Search Update …… as predicted the “search committee” has indeed been sufficiently “loon-loaded” to let the jabberwocks think they will have a say-so.  My chainsaw juggling midget made first alternate.

Several reminders …. Despite what drivel you might read in the N&O or their arrogant ilk …. TNC will be neither Jack Welch nor Philip Berrigan.  It will be a well-qualified executive manager with enough academic background to spell “provost”.  Think of it this way …. Erskine is the well-qualified Head Coach.  TNC will be his Offensive Coordinator.  An excellent hire will mean a more high-powered offense but regardless a cool hand will be on the nuclear trigger in South Building …. As it has been for the past two years.

Those among you who have not exactly been Meezie-boosters must remember.  Since Erskie took over has Meezie stapled his tie to his desk blotter as he often did before?  No.  How come BobLee?  Because Erskie loaded him up with rubber staples.  He kept him on staff avoiding a scandal but neutralized his liabilities.  To quote those Guiness brothers in that beer commercial …. BRILLIANT, positively BRILLIANT!  

Erskine Bowles, like most of us, is deficient in a list of skills.  Luckily for us, administering the UNC System is NOT on his “deficient in” list.  Ignore all the “who is being considered” prattle you will hear from the nattering nabobs.  The Chancellor Search is “In Capable Hands”.


   Zombie Update …. As also predicted, the cyber zombies have indeed departed our cul-de-sac and are otherwise obsessed.  This being the week of the Red River Shoot-out in Dallas, these cyber zombies have their annual “why I still hate Mack” fest.  Mack, of course, “lied to dem boys” ten years ago.  DO NOT tell the zombies that Butch did EXACTLY the same thing the day before he left Miami for Cleveland ….. and so does EVERY ambitious head coach moving to greener pastures.


   Phoney Soldier Update …. Did you amaze your water cooler pals with “the truth” on Rush & The Phoney Soldier?  Dingy Harry Reid loses another one.  Ted Roof has won more than Dingy Harry.  Mario Mendoza had a higher batting average than that pathetic loser.

To those wishing to dredge up “the Swifties vs John The Self-proclaimed War Hero” …. All it would have taken to “totally disarm and discredit” the Swifies was Kerry’s military record …. Which to this day he refuses to allow in to the public record.    How come John?


   Week Six ….. A Heel W will not surprise me but I’m not confident enough to call it.  This week is more likely than next week.  Visor Boy already knows what he will say next week to have our lunatic fringe setting their hair on fire.  That’s not that hard to do.  Ask Gerald Henderson. …… Chuckles did an interview this week about playing his former employer.  Like the recent Bunting interview, all it proved was that fired coaches should vanish from sight and sound for a minimum of three years following their public execution. ….. The Frowning Irish will fall to the Bruins and I see the Sooners booming over the “Book’em Horns”.  The “bad boyz” situation in Austin is close to a full-scale Kaboom. …… Big SEC battle tween LSU and Urban’s Gators ….. I see’em dancing in the bayou as Urban goes down again. ….. Want a coaching prediction ….. USF’s Jim Leavitt to Knoxville as Phfat Phil is a Fat Man Walking. ……. In the NFL …. Looking gloomy for John Fox too.  Anyone run a MapQuest from Bill Cowher’s retirement mansion to BOA Stadium?

Baseball Playoffs ….. I can’t name ONE D-back.  I think they’re the Oregon State Beavers in disguise.  If A-Rod goes 20-20 with every at bat a grand slam his critics will whine …. “yeah, but he just had one good post-season.”


    Have you tried MASCOT MINTS ??? ….. cool little peppermint mints in neat little tins to match your favorite college team.  Our ol’ pal Camel City Boz is one of the brains behind this venture.  Check’em out at area sporting good stores or www.mascotmints.com .


 Which group of “dem boys” did Tommy Tubberville “lie to”?


BREAKING NEWS ….. Marian Jones is admitting she did pretty much every thing she said she didn’t do but everyone knew she did do all those times she said she didn’t do it.  ABCers going into full hoot & holler mode.  The City of Chapel Hill is considering unincorporating itself and selling Franklin Street to Lawrence Taylor.  Charles Kuralt claims he knew nothing about it.  Meezie will light a steroid and hold a vigil at “The Pit”.


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