Winners Gloat & Losers Say Deal

November12/ 2007

A Rivalry Game is traumatic under the best of circumstances.  Nerves are on edge and fingernails bitten to the quick whether on-site or plopped into a La-Z-Boy in front of a flat screen.  Winners tell jokes for a year and Losers say “….it’s just another game. Who cares?”.  …. Many people “do care” maybe too much.

Rivalry games are like new born babies.  Everyone is convinced theirs is somehow more special than all the others.  And it is …. to them and to others on their small planet for that day.  This Saturday is special for State and Carolina fans.

As has certainly been the case for a decade or so and for the most part many decades …. The eyes of the Big Time College Football world will decidedly NOT be focused on Carter-Finley Stadium.  Two modest programs will square off led by two new (and very different) established “name” coaches.  Both programs were expectedly benign in the first half of the season but have shown a legitimate pulse as of late with the resurgent Pack on a three-game “win streak”.  Speaking of three game win streaks ….. the visiting Tar Heels own one over the Wolfpack in this backyard braggin’ rights brawl.  I’m probably the only one who was counting ……… yeah, right?

The dual coaching changes definitely affect the circumstance.  When both prior staffs were embattled the whiny losing fans could disavow any personal blame assigning all such to the incompetent coach (and OF COURSE the AD!).

   The Official Loser’s Mantra in 2007:  

“Just you wait til TO’B/Butch gets HIS program in gear, dadgumit”

   Regardless of the final score, God in His infinite wisdom provides the damn referees as striped shirted malfactors to snatch deserved victory from ___ boys.  Either Little Johnny Swofford’s UNC roots or the damn refs’ deep-seated anti-UNC bias will control the outcome because …… (Note: Prior to the 2004 TA Game, I predicted the Tar Heels would need either bad weather or Jim Knight to have a chance. Internet Legend status is earned in such cases.)

The announcer idiots, of course, hate “___” and every phrase they utter will be a coded insult at “____”.  And certainly the idiots in the media are bought and paid for by them.  Damn that NC State J-School! …..  Trying to keep track of all the conspiratorial forces aligned agin “___” can be exhausting in these encounters.  Leaving it up to the players in uniform who are blocking, tackling, running, passing and kicking is far too simple a way to approach the whole mess.

If Christmas belongs to the children then Rivalry Games belong to the respective Lunatic Fringes.  Take an otherwise feeble mind and marinate it in equal parts grain alcohol and goggle-eyed hate.  A forlorn existence characterized by endless social and occupational failures can, in one Fall afternoon, receive a temporary infusion of meaning ….. IF “___” wins.

Maybe Chris, Corso and Herbie and a billion Chinese don’t care but plenty of folks within 150 miles of Wolf Mountain do.  If you are one of the fortunate few thousand Tar Heel fans to snag a ducat to this event, you might want to pay attention to these suggestions and pass them on to other Tar Heel fans before Saturday morning.

Any Tar Heel hell-bent and determined to have a negative experience this Saturday, might consider three sure-fire alternatives:

  1. Go up in your attic and get a bowling ball (everyone has a bowling ball in their attic).  Take it out in the driveway by your car.  Open the car door.  Count to 3 …. On 3 drop the bowling ball on your foot and simultaneously slam your hand in the car door.  It will be quite painful.
  2. Take a 3 oz Dixie cup.  Fill it halfway with rusty thumb tacks, then top it off with battery acid.  Count to 3 again, then chug the contents of the cup.  It will be quite distasteful.
  3. Upon arriving in the Carter-Finley vicinity on Saturday AM, park in the eastern end of the primary Fairgrounds Lot along Trinity Road.  With your family bedecked in Carolina Blue, take the most direct route towards Wolf Mountain / Murphy Center to get to your gate and seat. You will pass thru a toxic human waste area known to an ever-growing number of people as F-Bomb Alley. It will be quite painful, distasteful and odious

 Two people were shot and killed in F-Bomb Alley in November of 2004 which, while an anomaly, is a fact.  A tragedy precipitated by conditions largely unchanged.  Countless visiting fans have not only been verbally assaulted but threatened and subjected to spit, beer, and assorted other projectiles while passing thru this well-defined area.  Hard-core masochists pay dominatrixs to treat them so.  Most folks attending a college sports event are not so interested in such abuse ….. since it IS TOTALLY AVOIDABLE.

Print out an area map of the stadium.  The toxic “Alley” is maybe 5 degrees of the 360 degree access to the stadium itself.  Avail yourself of the 355 other ways to park and access the stadium.  Then all you have to sweat is the 60 minutes of acceptable violence between the two gladiatorial armies.  I hope every visiting Tar Heel fan will heed this advice as so many did two years ago when we first sounded the alarm about this regrettable issue.

 F-Bomb Alley should not exist but NC State officials consciously permit it to. It could be cleaned up and be a normal segment of a large festival parking layout.  The simplest way to do so is to saturate the well-defined area with ham-fisted NCHP troopers with big irons on their hips and riot batons in hand ….. and a firm directive to not tolerate hooligan behavior of any sort.  There are MAYBE 1,000 specimens of human debris that will taint the image of a fine academic institution by their unrestrained jackass behavior ….. because they are permitted to do so. ….

Yo State admins …. this is NOT “bring democracy to Iraq” complicated.  The attitude of the NC State admins is more puzzling than the quite predictable behaviour of the hooligans.  Hooligans is hooligans!

Hooligan behaviour is NOT unique to West Rawlee.  Like cockroaches, they are everywhere that crowds gather ….. but most event managers devise AND ENFORCE policies to negate their impact.  NC State is waaaay behind the curve on figuring it out! ….. “fire retardant tents” sure ain’t the answer !

I could more emphatically call out Chancellor Oblinger, AD Lee Fowler and “Tailgate Tommy” Stafford (aka NCSU’s bureaucratic answer to Mike Nifong) but who cares.  It would serve no purpose.  Their lack of effective action speaks louder than my words.  I only care once every two years.

F-Bomb Alley ratchets up to red-line DANGER levels every two years when UNC visits Carter-Finley.  Otherwise it is simply disgusting ….. not a specific threat to health and property.  If Carolina fans take precautions to avoid that specific area, they will tremendously improve their chances of a pleasant day subject, of course, to the scoreboard results as of about 3:45 Saturday afternoon..  …… Thank Goodness its a noon start as that does cut down somewhat on the “get likkered up” time for the hooligans in The Alley.  Alas, most of the species are whacked out 24/7.

As we have said here about a bazillion times ….. EVERY fan base has disgusting bottom-feeding slime down in its sub-basement …. Even The Hallowed Flagship of The People.  Every family has its ner-do-well cuzzin, idiot brother-in-law, and black sheep uncle who served time for an unspecified crime against nature.

Most institutions and most families do not showcase their “dirty laundry” for all to see like NCSU officials choose to continue doing in this case.

The folks I really sympathize with are the 98%+ of darn fine Wolfpack supporters who are unfairly tainted by the image visiting fans see in F-Bomb Alley.  To imply that the F-Bomb Alley hooligans “represent” NC State fans is to say Makhtar Ndiaye “represented” Carolina Basketball.

On Saturday we will park in my usual Carter-Finley space well clear of “The Alley” and  will enjoy 4-5 delightful tailgate visits with Wolfpack friends (including AlphaWolf – head honcho of TheRed&WhiteOf NCState website).  We will share good food and fun and fellowship prior to going into the stadium. …..     Mizzus and I will walk thru the reserved parking areas adjacent to the stadium wearing distinctive C-Blue and receive a few good-natured jibes.  One or two might be marginally “offensive” but not anything I wouldn’t hear driving down main street in Carrboro in my F-150 with its Rush Is Right bumper sticker.

Our seats will be with the other UNCers and it will be a Little Big Horn experience ….. outnumbered 10 to 1.  Cowards fester in such an environ so there will be epithets hurled towards the UNC areas.  “Nargets” hurling epithets in such a venue is how nargets give meaning to their otherwise pitiful lives.

After the game, W or L, we will leave thru options not involving the NCSU student exits nor, of course, anywhere near F-Bomb Alley.  All my fellow Tar Heels are encouraged to adopt a version of our plan.  If my fellow Tar Heels will just use the superior intellect they claim to have, they will have no problem on their C-F visit.

Those who do not are either looking for a reason to complain (and self-righteously feel superior!) or do not visit this website or have friends who do.

I will visit “The Alley” sometime Saturday morning for research purposes.  I am a trained professional and “Danger Is My Bizness”.  If NCSU officials do finally get the message and beef up security in “The Alley” I will so report following the game.

It should be a fine game.  State, led by Daniel Evans, should be favored slightly but (taa daa!) we can throw all the records and stats out the window.  While neither current coach has been thru a Carolina vs State game, they both have been in similar “rivalry games” but, of course, THIS ONE is different because IT”S OUR RIVALRY GAME.

I don’t care if you don’t take my astute political advice …. But PLEASE take this advice and ….

AVOID F-BOMB ALLEY on Saturday. 

(Remember To Warn Your Friends!)

If you have questions about the exact danger areas, e-mail us here.


 If “your team” loses Saturday will you …… 1. Blame the evil AD ….. 2.  Blame the refs, media, announcers, Geo Bush, Hillary, etc ….. 3.  Kick your cat ….. 4.  Hit yourself in the head with a ball peen hammer …. 5.  Claim you “used to care” but don’t so much any more …. 6.  Use words like Tyler and Lawson or Hickson and Cosner A LOT in conversations in church on Sunday.

   No force on Earth can scramble for excuses as quickly as losing fans in a Rivalry Game. …. sun spots, global warming, NCDOT, Santa Anna winds, wind shear, ….

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