….. Saturday was a terrific day in Chapel Hill …. Plus the Tar Heels beat Maryland. In the Shadow of The Bell Tower there were festivities aplenty with A-listers, B-listers and wannabes all over the place. Deep Insiders update moi on “the razorback rumor”. One Lib ambushes BobLee while a Lib chick w/ “moxie” falls under his spell. An Inner Circle Buddy needs HELP pronto ….
The Pale Rider does something that Burly John never could – One of TO’B teams wins again, the new one in Raleigh this time. Last week’s coach de jour gets trimmed by “the coach who just won’t die” in the Valley of Shenandoah. Out in the Big 12, Coach Twiddledum eats an entire Nebraska cornfield. Speaking of overweight coaches, Charlie The Hutt manages something neither Devine, Holtz, Davies, Willingham, nor even Jerry Faust could do …. He lost to Navy. Then Charlie said “it didn’t matter to him”. Some kid calling himself “Rudy” promptly hit Charlie in the mouth.
Everyone in Kenan knew it was “Homecoming”. The really “in the know” bunch knew it was “Phineus Teague’s Homecoming”. Indeed, the marketing whizbang that Turned Kenan Blue made his triumphant return to where he came from. Norwood “Phineus” Teague was easy to spot. He was the one NOT wearing blue but still wearing a possum eating briars grin from his VCU Rams March Madness thumping of a certain West Derm squad.
The Shadow of The Bell Tower was never more luminous as UNC Ath Dept staffers were thick as gnats on Joba’s neck to welcome back the likable lug. At one point there were more Teagues in Chapel Hill than there are Osmonds in Provo. Everywhere you looked young Teagues, old Teagues, he Teagues, she Teagues and Teague wannabees.
In addition to a ton of Teagues we had every eeeevilll capitalist profession represented …. A hedge fund manager, a residential “developer” AND a commercial “developer”….. a car dealer, a power dealer, a lay minister, a drug dealer ….. we had about every form of scary Republican except Lynn Cheney’s personal trainer. It was non-stop laughter and good cheers for a solid two house pre-game and another five hours post-game. ….. but not without it’s serious side ….. Phineus has a professional dilemma of some urgency.
A major college Director of Athletics ranks on the “mammas don’t let your babies grow up to be …” occupation list between professional pedophile and hippopotamus dentist. The excellent ones find black mambas in their mailbox and receive anthrax e-mails from nuns. All the rest are REALLY hated.
But but BobLee what about Ron Wellman? He doesn’t count. If you are listing really good carpenters you don’t usually include Jesus of Nazerath. He is on a list all his own. So is Wellman. But Phineus is still included with all the rest except for one small problem. In going on two years, he has not yet had a firephineusteague.com established for him by VCU lunatics.
When he goes to athletic directors conventions the other ADs laugh at him. They call me Mr Goody Goody. He’s sick of it. To make matters worse, guess who his cousin is. Yee haa …. Todd Turner. The most maligned AD in America not named Dickie or Lee. Todd just got his own firetoddturner.com website out in Seattle. His problem started when he was introduced at U Dub and made a rainy day joke. At his prior job as AD @ Vanderbilt he became the first AD to have his position dissolved. Before that of course he was at ….. well, we ALL know where that was.
On any NCSU lists of most hated UNC alum of all times, Dudley Bradley is always #1 but Todd is #2 thru #8.
Phineus’ former boss – The Dickster himself – collects hate websites like Jim Black collects bribes. But not a one for Lovable Phineus. So me, Pencil, BA, Beale, Steiny and the rest of the fellas want to straighten that out. As soon as we get FirePhineus.com up and running we need all you folks to post mega nasty entries on it. You don’t need any specifics just blather about how he is such a dummy just because ….. it will help a good guy’s career more than you will ever know.
Among all at the SOTBT gathering was “Susie Q” a Chapel Hill Lib Chick ….. not a fire-breather at all, but one of those “feels sorry for poor people” libs. That’s just a Category 1 liberal …. And this one had MOXIE. Lib chicks w/ moxie, and grit, who can laugh, especially at my jokes, are welcomed at any tailgate. Once Professor Pace and I do a basic economics intervention we might even convert her to a Dittohead. It wouldn’t be the first time its happened. ….. NOTE: Evil Repubs feel empathy for “poor people” too we just believe in actually helping them rather than just use’em for votes.
Speaking of Libs, one ambushed me last week over my comments about the Chancellor Halloween Party with all the squirrels. He accused me of being “meanspirited” …. ME …. MEANSPIRITED !!! Accusing a Conservative with his own website of being meanspirited is like accusing a black man wearing tap shoes of having natural rhythm. It might be hurled as an insult …. But it’s received as a compliment.
When it comes to rabid dog libs like UNC breeds, one better be “meanspirited” just to get in the ballgame. Rabid dog libs are a totally different species than simply Democrats. Democrats are to rabid liberals like muslims are to Islamofascists. “People like me” and Democrats just vote differently otherwise we’re a lot alike. Rabid Libs want to rewrite and destroy 200+ years of American History installing their arrogant selves as a pseudo intellectual ruling class. I will “meanspirit” those sumbitches til Hell freezes over. ….. but back to Phineus.
After the game we shucked and jived “in the Shadow” for a few hours then moved down to Top Of The Hill. Going to TOTH with Phineus Teague is like going to an A.M.E. Zion church on election day with Bill Clinton. Everybody wants to hug up on the guy. BobLee & Phineus together didn’t draw quite a National Championship mob but the Fire Marshall said it matched a Sweet Sixteen crowd. There is residual run-off for hanging w/ Teague. I was wearing a “Friend of Phineus” button and got free nachos all night long.
Phineus, gawd luv’em, is showing signs of a Man Cougar as he strides down the 12th Fairway of Life. She Cougars are women over 40 who aggressively seek male companionship among the under 30 junior set ….. working the lifeguard, assistant golf pros and valet parking attendant markets …. If you get my drift. Phineus is developing a penchant for gals for whom the term “when Kennedy died” means when John John’s plane crashed off Martha’s Vineyard. Short on life experiences …. and cellulite. Luckily for Phineus he found him a real crackerjack gal this time. I hope he sticks with the current young lady. She has moxie too. She sort of likes NASCAR and had a great one-liner about a certain area coach in bad need of a make-over. ….. Moxie is pretty much a necessity to hang with most all The Inner Circle guys. We’re all a bit “quirky”.
By the time Phineus hits 50, he might be trolling thru Montessori Schools using Reese’s Pieces as bait.
You all want to know the latest about The Razorback Rumor don’t you? I spoke with quite a few “deep insiders”. The consensus seems to be it might be true but probably isn’t. Daren McFadden running for 14 miles against Darth Visor did help Houston Nutt’s chances somewhat. Personally I do NOT think it’s a likelihood …. But keeping it percolating supposedly gives Pale Rider extra leverage in that Kenan Expansion silliness. More on that in a future column.
It’s countdown to the High Noon Shootout In The Shadow of F-Bomb Alley. Anybody care to guess what Wednesday’s column just might be about ????? Ahhh, come on take a guess.
This is coming from The Sanctuary …. A mega-plush hostelry on Kiawah Island. Fate has me here for a Celeb Golf Thingie. Long time celeb chum Kevin Sorbo on hand. I asked the cinema heartthrob about his OC role as a sort of villain. He has several movies in the hopper for ’08. “Hercules” is a good guy.