Diogenes says I QUIT!

October22/ 2007

The legendary lantern-totin’ “Seeker of Honest Men” has had it.  The cynical old Greek has finally accepted the reality that “honest men” are rarer than rain in these parts in 2007.  What finally convinced the steadfast old coot?   THE ANSWER WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF! ….. The BCS race is officially on and BobLee handicaps the field.

According to Wikepedia Diogenes used to stroll through the marketplaces of Athens and Corinth in full daylight with a torch (or, as legend sometimes has it, a lantern). When asked what he was doing, he would answer, “I am just looking for an honest man.” Diogenes reputedly found nothing but rascals and scoundrels. ….. 

    Despite his inclusion in history among legendary Greek philosophers Plato, Aristotle and Socrates, Diogenes was, in truth, quite daft.  Were he alive today, he would be a write-in candidate for Mayor of San Francisco.  Regardless, he is giving up his search after 2800+ very odd years. 

   BobLee was fortunate to garner a one-on-one interview with the dottering fool as he snuffed out his lantern.

   BL: First, I gotta ask you …. What’s a Graecian urn?

   D:  About three drachmas a week.  (…. rimshot)

   BL:  So Diog what caused you to quit looking now after so many years?  Was there a singular incident that finally convinced you that all the “honest men” went down on The Edmund Fitzgerald and there are no more to be found.

   D:  Yes, as a matter of fact there was.

   BL:  Let me guess.

   D:  Sure, why not.  It’s not like I have anything else to do.

   BL:  It has to be that Mike Nifong is back in the news expecting the State of North Carolina to pay for his legal defense.

   D: Nope.

   BL:  Could it be Jimbo The Weasel being in charge of the NC General Assembly for 8 years during which everyone knew he was crookedier than a sackful of Marc Basnights.

   D: Nope.

   BL: Howsabout most anything “The Edwards” says or The N&O prints these days.

   D: Nope, not even those absurdities.

   BL:  Is it the general mediocrity in global leadership brought about by a total loss of civility and moral direction among a world population infected with terminal narcissistic hedonism.?

   D: Huh …?

   BL:  Never mind.  So, what was THE singular incident that has so depressed you?

   D:  If you attended last Saturday’s Carolina Carolina football game you witnessed and heard it.

   BL:  Oh ….. you must mean “THE INTERCEPTION THAT WASN’T”.

   D:  Bingo.  In the first quarter the Gamecocks were driving left to right on your radio dial and threw a sideline route to the far side.  It appeared to everyone wearing blue that the Tar Heel defensive back intercepted the ball and had control as he went out-of-bounds …. But it was ruled “incomplete” …… Because, to quote Woody Durham“those are SEC refs.”  Yes, the venerable “Voice of” immediately implied to his legion of loyal listeners that THE FIX WAS ON.  Despite being several hundred yards away and before viewing the instant replay, the much-loved Favorite Son of Albemarle implied that “those SEC referees” were flat-out cheating his Boys in blue.  (The same boys metaphorically that Mack Brown had supposedly “lied to” ten years earlier.)

   Instant replay subsequently revealed that it had indeed been a VERY close call and “coulda gone either way”.  It was Woody’s knee-jerk contention that a conspiracy was afoot on Kenan’s fabled greensward.  The Eeeevil Old Ball Coach (could Rosemary have had TWO other babies?) in league with the SouthEastern Conference (and probably Dick Cheney) had arranged for crooked zebras to officiate this game.

    Saint Woody The Worshiped uttering his blatant condemnation of the nefarious proceedings had the same reaction as yelling “FOOD FIGHT” in Lenoir Hall …. The reverberations echoed across The Tar Heel Sports Network like a Sumatran Tsunami.  ….. The Hell Hounds were set loose …..

    In his double-wide on the outskirts of Lillington, Little Cletus sprang from his well-worn La-Z-Boy knockoff and sounded the alarm to his goggle-eyed brethren on InsideBlueCarolinaPit.com. ….. “Rally Boys. It’s Pitchforks and Torches Time. We gotta get down to Kenan.  Woody jest said dem sorry no-account SEC referees are cheating our boys in blue …. We gotta do it RAT NOW.” 

   Fortunately for the families of “those cheatin’ SEC referees” this enraged mob suffered the fate of previous such attempts.  Half the intended participants could not convince their mammas to drive’em …. and the other half are under house arrest with those ankle thingies.  As for Little Cletus …. He tripped over his half sister Eunice who was passed out by the front door, hitting his head on the brick doorstop. Cletus came to three hours later thinking he was Eddie Rickenbacher and went looking for his Sophwith Camel.

   South Carolina won the game with the help of yet another Joe Dailey laser-guided pass and, according to Woody Durham, “those SEC referees”.


    If we have reached the point that (admittedly partisan) “Voices of” are telling their rabid audiences that “the officials are crooked” then what’s next?  

    Lets issue sniper rifles to the lunatic fringe and let’em administer vigilante justice on every close call.  Put a bounty on “crooked zebras”.  $100 for a Ref …. $75 for a Headlinesman, etc.  Howsbout $200 for a head shot on that sumbitch in the red shirt that calls them commercials?

    Have the “Voices of” give out officials’ home addresses and where their youngans go to school.  Let a cyber psycho snatch a Field Judge’s kid.  That’ll teach’em to “call’em our way” BY GOLLY.


   BL:  So, Diog, what does this have to do with your search for “honest men”?

   D:  Simple.  If Woody Durham hisownself actually says on the radio that even football referees can not be trusted, how can we ever expect honesty from our elected officials, law enforcement, husbands, wives, mainstream media, or e-mails from someone in Namibia offering me $10,000 if I will just send them $100 first. …… It’s over …. Honesty is as obsolete as 8-track tapes and corfam shoes. ….. sigh, sob, sniff.

   Diogenes has returned to Corinth where he plans to start a sports talk radio station providing play-by-play of professional 3-card Monte tournaments.  He hopes to lure Woody over to be “The Voice of”. 


    It’s hard to say who is The Most Worried …. The TV network execs doomed to broadcast a Rockies vs Indians World Series …. Or The TV Network execs envisioning a South Florida vs Anybody in a BCS Championship Game.  As of Tuesday at noon, Madison Avenue was giving away 60 seconds World Series commercials to anyone who can “name a Rockie not named Cabrerra”.  Is “Cabrerra” Venezuelan for “Patel”.  I love when long shots like The Rockies get the Big Stage.  

   Wouldn’t you have loved to have gone to Vegas a year ago and bet your 401-K that Wake Forest would be in the Orange Bowl and The Rockies in the World Series?


   The Jim Leavitt Sweepstakes got a new player this week.  NEBRASKA.  This season’s “most hated (former) college AD” is Steve Pederson who, this week, was drawn, quartered and dragged through the streets of Lincoln behind a horse-drawn chariot driven by Bob Devaney’s grandson.

   Leavitt, aka Bobby Petrino 2007, has midwestern roots …. Mizzou grad and former assistant to Bill Snyder at K-State.  Whether Jim can convince second-tier Florida fleet foots to come to Lincoln is yet to be seen.  Speaking of which ….

   NC State fans moping and considering mass suicide in lieu of going to G-Vegas this weekend might want to BLAME JIM LEAVITT for their current malaise.  Whatchumean BobLee?

   Simple …. Chuckles was “suppose” to get sloppy fourths out of Florida according to Chuckles Plan.  After Miami, Florida and FSU divided up the 4-5 stars every year, Chuckles would troll thru the mangrove swamps and detention hall at Killian High and get what was left over. ….. but Jimmy in Tampa got first dibs on dem boys.  Even George O’Leary at UCF took some …. And upstart programs at Florida Atlantic, Florida International and Florida Lord knows where else.  Doesn’t Disney World have its own Division 1 team now?

   So Chuckles, and now TO’B alas, was left with the equivalent of the Holly Springs Middle School JVs and assorted incorrigibles who fled the Sunshine State when their parole officer was napping. …. Chuckles is back in Tally picking up Bobby’s dry cleaning and telling the kids at Killian that Urban Meyer is a sissy.

   If Coach Jag’s inherited Eagles can fly into Blacksburg next Thursday and pluck Frank’s Gobblers they could be BCS bound.  The Hokies will HAVE to have Hokie Jim on hand.  The Danville-based cyber smart-ass has been waylaid by the creeping crud as of late and is listed as “who knows” on the injury report.

   I’m saying Lloyd Carr derails the Buckeyes then hands his whistle to Les Miles.  Les, denying he is bolting Baton Rogue, will lose to STEVE SPURRIER in the SECCCG.

   Darth Spurrier, aided by his crooked SEC refs, will cheat his way past Urban The Sissy and Phfat Phil and beat LSU in the Georgia Dome …. And then announce HE will leave USC for LSU for “$1 more than Nick gets at Tuscaloosa” …. and the traditional “lot at Governors Club”.

   I reserve the right to revise the above predictions whenever I chose to.


 …. The US Treasury is minting a new coin  the wooden nickel.  It is fitting that this worthless currency, long the butt of “don’t take any _____ “  warnings will bear the likeness of former President Jimmy Carter.  Recently named by Mental Health Monthly as America’s Least Credible Crazy Old Fool, Jimmy will be depicted on the wooden nickel as he will be remembered by future generations ….. his face flushed, beady eyes bulging, teeth bared and oatmeal drooling from his curled lips. ….. 

    At a truck stop in Purgatory, Brutha Billy is eating a penrose sausage and laughing his ass off.  “Mamma always told me I was ‘the smart one’.”  Mamma was right.

   Kudos to ESPN for the fine documentary on Jason Ray – the young man who was UNC’s Ramses and was killed in a roadside accident last March.  We ask again …. WHY must such fine CHRISTIAN young people die to be publicly appreciated in Chapel Hill?  WHY?

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