Paving The Streets of Hell

The Road To Hell
August21/ 2007

The “media is swarming” as “Infrastructure is crumbling” while “temperatures are soaring” …. As “Barry is homering” …. Courageous “Lizzy is lamenting”  …. Over at NC State, “volunteers are vesting”. ….. As this third planet from the Sun shuffles ever closer to self-combustion from extreme buffoonism, we hereby resolve not to participate.

Growing up “downeast” we had a name for “really hot days” this time of year.  We called it “August” after Emperor Caesar Augustus.  We celebrated 100 degree days by only playing sandlot baseball for maybe 4-5 hours rather than the customary 8-10.   Meet over at “the park” around 9-10 and depending upon how many showed up play some baseball aberration …. “rotation” …. “roll-a-bat” …. “flies & grounders” …. “home run derby”.  Maybe stop temporarily around “lunch” and run over to “Pharos” for a hot dog and slushy lemonade …. Then back to play.   No adults …. no uniforms …. just kids PLAYING BASEBALL …. in August.

Mid-afternoon, we’d bike over to Emma Webb Pool and cool off with a swim and doing cannonballs off the high board….. or maybe just play in the sprinkler at home.

That’s what we “city boys” did.  Out in “the county” during August it was crop tobacco time.  I’ve never seen an air-conditioned tobacco field.  “Cropping tobacco” would be nasty, dirty, hot stoop labor however one did it.  If it wasn’t done, the crop died in the field.

Despite how the limousine liberal bunch might want to rewrite it circa 2007, “back then” everybody did their part ….. white and black.  Every hot, dirty, nasty, sticky part of harvesting tobacco was done with white kids and “colored kids” side by side.  Wonder if Maureen Dowd ever cropped tobacco.  …. or Perky Katie?  The Buck Brothers did.

My buddy Horace worked on an asphalt crew one summer.  In August they would pull roasting ears off the cornstalk.  Wrap’em in silver foil and stick’em in the asphalt on the truck to “cook’em”.  Crews tarred roofs in our town in August too.

The phrase “consume plenty of fluids” was not invented until the mid 80s.   Water did not even come in bottles back then.  It came out of the nozzle of a garden hose.  The word “fluids” was not invented until around 1987.

This might come as “An Inconvenient Truth” to Reverend AlGore of The Church of The Imminent Calamity but 100 degree days in August in the 60s were every bit as “hot” as they are today.  We were just too busy working and playing to whine about it ….. and, of course, we didn’t have George Bush to blame back then.

This might freak you out.  I grew up in a “very nice house” by the standards of the day and for our town.  We had the biggest house for 2-3 blocks around.  The house was built with no air conditioning whatsoever.  When I was 10-11, my dad purchased a window unit for the den.  My mom claimed she “about froze to death”.  We used that window unit for about a month.  When I sold the home place forty year later that original unit still only had a month’s wear and tear.  My mom lived there as a widow for 30 years.  There were aspects of her life and society that she complained about ….. being “too hot” was never one of’em. …… We called it “August”.


    F-Bomb Alley Update ….. “Tailgating Volunteers wearing red vests” is the latest whiz bang idea from “Tailgate Tommy” Stafford’s Ignore The Obvious Committee.  Yep, NC State’s infamous bureaucratic clown, “Tailgate Tommy”, will be dispatching red-vested volunteers all around Carter-Finley to instruct Wuff-football fans how to tailgate properly and fire-retardantly.  In case you’ve forgotten …. The obvious solution from day one (except to TTS) was simply “put 6-8 NCHP officers in the one clearly defined area where all the problems take place”. 

   “Tailgate Tommy” announced recently that he has been working for TWENTY YEARS to designate a clubhouse on the NCSU campus for Lesbians, Gays, Trans and Bis to be able to meet and “do whatever they do”.  “TWENTY YEARS” for that pet project of Tommy’s ….. and we expect him to solve this one before Daniel Evans’ has grandchildren ???


   When we last visited our “crumbling INFRASTRUCTURE” “they” were holding candlelight vigils for the victims of the Minneapolis bridge.  As noted, the only “minorities” effected were Sven & Ollie the Norwegian Siamese Twins.  The “swarming media” cannot gin up much self-righteous indignation unless there is a messa “poor minorities” to profile.  Dead white folks “don’t count” …. Unless they are soldiers.

   Apple Cheeks was all set to go and had picked out a new flannel posing shirt to wear as he posed among the crumbled concrete …. Until Courageous Lizzie realized there were no obese poor African Americans in Minneapolis to surround him with.  Scratch one photo op.

The Utah miners aren’t likely to offer much for “The Edwards” either.  They’ll issue the obligatory “that’s George Bush’s fault too” press release but there were no coal mines around Robbins for a “poor little mill boy” to play in with his “poor little mill boy friends”.  Utah ain’t exactly “a chocolate state” either.

Christensen_400x400  Reporter Rob is bummed out.  He has never been to Utah and the chance to fly on the official Edwards campaign plane, Po’Boy One, was getting little Rob in a dither.  A dithering Rob Christensen is quite a sight, I’ve been told.

Maybe a meteor will hit South Central LA and Rob could hitch a ride with’em there.

The National Panic over “Crumbling Infrastructure” has about two weeks to go before it hits the “New Year’s Resolution” graveyard and is simply forgotten until the next steam pipe, bridge, sewer / water treatment plant, power grid goes ka-flooey and “panic ensues” again.  Wonder what George, Dick and Scooter are planning to take out next?

For what-its-worth (two plugged nickels and a thimble of spit) every elected official in America has issued a statement declaring “we gotta do sumthin’ about our crumbling infrastructure”.  “They” are demanding that ALL AVAILABLE MONEYS be expended for “infrastructure.  Well …. Not quite EVERY $$$.   First, of course, we MUST fund every pork barrel full of fluffy shiney silly crap that attracts dumber than pea-gravel loonies to vote for the aforementioned slimey creepy crawlie politicians.

The Streets of Hell are indeed paved with Good Intentions of politicians expressing faux concern for “infrastructure”.  What’s “crumbling” even faster is any confidence that Americans have in our elected government.

There is, of course, more than ample “Infrastructure” dollars available …. Once Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society kicks in which should be “any decade now”.  Hey …. It’s only been 40 years …. These things take time ya know. ……


   CryptKeeper Update …. “Dirty Don” Beason has resigned from the State Lobbyists Association which means not much really.  When, IF, his 1193772482_beason-300x225fru fru client list starts severing ties, we might be optimistic that creepy evil-doers might indeed be punished within the same lifetime in which they so long prospered.  Any of you with connections at Progress Energy, BB&T, BellSouth, and IBM might wanna ask their CEOs if they are interested in at least appearing to care about integrity.  “The loan to Jimbo” was just one of a career of political skullduggery by this creepy-crawly.

On Friday – August 10 …. BB&T announced it has dropped the CryptKeeper as it’s lobbying representative.  HooRay for BB&T!  Progress Energy “says” they are dropping him but nothing official yet.  No word yet from BellSouth, IBM, Carolina Ballet … or Strip Clubs R US … VideoPokerThugs  …. or KiddiePorn of The Carolinas.

By the way …. We have heard from three different “pretty young things” who related their own yucky encounters with “Dirty Don” Beason.  Apparently EVERYBODY knew ….. except, of course, “The Old Reliable”.

Editor Melanie has yet to release her Arrogant Pups in pursuit of the truth about “the CryptKeeper”.  An ever-diminishing readership is waiting.  In the meantime, Don “Kolchak” Carrington and Joe “Sledgehammer” Sensheimer will do the work that “newspapers” used to do before they became totally agenda-driven.


    Jimbo finally does the Pokey-Hokey …. And Barry Bonds finally passes Hank.  What oh what will dominate the news NOW?  I know many of you are all torqued about Barry.  Most of the torqueness regards his cavalier denial of using steroids …. And his general acerbic persona.

   As I recall, no one was all that torqued about Mark McGwire and “andro” until he appeared before Congress and REALLY REALLY made an absolute fool of himself.

Repeating my earlier laissez faire attitude towards the gambling NBA ref …. I really don’t spend much time thinking about sports records or who holds them.  I do love watching baseball but whether Barry has the record or whether Shoeless Joe or Pete get into Cooperstown just doesn’t interest me.

Since Ruth hit his 713, the ball has changed, the parks have changed, the rules have changed (DH!), and strength and conditioning legal and otherwise has changed.  In 15-20 years there may be all sorts of “innovations” in athletic prowess.  About the only things that have not changed in baseball are four balls, three strikes and 90′.   Don’t say 60’6″ because the mound HAS CHANGED.

Jim Brown’s rushing yards were achieved in nine abbreviated seasons.  Everyone who has passed Brown’s record did so with incredible advantages he never had.

Lennie Rosenbluth and Dickie Hemric AND PETE MARAVICH only had three years and no 3-point shot.

Tennis and golf now have incredible equipment advantages over Bobby Jones, Hogan, Snead …. Laver, Rosewall, Emerson, Budge.

Richard Petty won 200 races ….. many on local dirt tracks.

I watched Tom Glavine win #300 this week.  His wife is pretty.

When John Glenn circled the world in his Mercury space capsule in 1962, was there a big celebration that “he beat Magellan’s record!”


   The Hyatt Regency Kansas City has not been forgotten.  100s of you recalled that structural disaster from 1981.  Before 90% of message board monkeys were even conceived.  Mizzus –to-be was living in KC at the time and almost attended that infamous “tea dance”.


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