Lets move The Masters to Wichita!

March18/ 2007

I “might” watch some of the ACC Tournament this weekend, or sort my sock drawer, or watch CSI-Miami Season Three… not necessarily in that order…. The ACCTrn IN TAMPA BAY! YIPPEE! … while we’re at it lets move The Masters to Wichita, The Kentucky Derby to Kennebunkport and The Rose Bowl to Boise …. Getting 6+ teams in The Dance already trivialized a great event.  Now stick it where the sun DOES shine …. BUT on old people, Cubans and palmetto bugs….. Little Johnny Little Johnny Little Johnny!

OK, I’m a creature of habit ….  I’ve had the same wife for 24 years … the same truck for 8 years … the same house for 19 years…. I’ve never been to Tampa Bay nor do I plan to go there any time soon.

The ACC Tournament is being held in some place called the StPeteTimesForum.  It is NOT that really ugly place that the really bad Devil Rays play or where Chucky The Coach coaches.  I know the Tampa Bay area has a long high bridge which is NOT a selling point for me.

I googled Tampa Bay and the 3rd event listed under Major Annual Events is Tampa Bay Gay & Lesbian Festival.  I wonder if they are going to have an appearance by John Edwards who implied VERY EMPHATICALLY that while he is DEFINITELY NOT a faggot, he is pretty sure Jesus loves faggots and he is REAL SURE Jesus hates George Bush and certainly Ann Coulter … and that Don Carrington jerk that took the pics of his house…. especially THAT GUY!

The StPeteTimesForum seats 20,000 for basketball.  If all the people who showed up for the ACC Football Championship, also in Florida, show up for this, they might fill MOST of the seats.  Maybe they should have the ACC Football Championship at the StPeteTimes Forum at least until FSU and Miami Football get really good again.

Everybody knows Little  Johnny Swofford HAD to move the ACC Tournament to Florida.  NOBODY knows WHY … but everybody just assumes Little Johnny HAD TO.  When Little Johnny left UNC to be the ACC Commish, all the UNCers bemoaned and they said Little Johnny was the Greatest Athletic Director Ever … not named Ron Wellman.  Of course when Little Johnny actually WAS Athletic Director at UNC, UNC fans said “You gave Dick Crum a 10-year contract ARE YOU NUTZ?” …. Rather than try to answer that one, Little Johnny moved to Grandover and gave Wolfpack fans something else to be paranoid about, not that Wolfpack fans have ever been short on paranoia.

So now the ACC’s two supposedly BIG DEAL post-season events, and Chuck Amato, are in Florida.  Hopefully whatever pact Little Johnny made with Satan or Donna Shalala will expire soon and the BIG DEAL events will move where someone might actually bother to attend them … or maybe that doesn’t matter any more.

Apparently Little Johnny’s pandering to the new members didn’t stop at moving the Holy ACC Tournament to TAMPA!  He has also agreed to delay the Friday games until Boston College’s entire fan contingent gets there.  Their Ford Econoline Van left Chestnut Hill Wednesday morning but plans to stop in Raleigh to drop off three sweatshirts that TO’B left in his locker.  Virginia Tech’s “crowd” is coming in Clota’s RV but stopping in Atlanta for a weinee roast at Mike Vick’s Tara Estate.  Check your 9mms and marijuana bottles at the front door please.

If this whizbang idea works … we hear Little Johnny is going to get that pesky Furniture Market to move to Fresno … and maybe send the GGO to Roanoke.  Then have himself declared THE Most Despised Man In The Triad.  Ya know the folks in North Wilkesboro are wondering where he went awry.  He was such a good smart boy growin’ up.

There are certain annual news features required by every feature editor:

  1. Go out to the airport on Wednesday before Thanksgiving and interview a harried traveler.
  2. On the first “really cold” day each year, find a homeless guy and ask him what it’s like to live outside when it’s really cold. The answer always has to be bleeped. 
  3. On the week of the ACC BB Tourney, get a baby boomer to tell about skipping school to listen to the 4-games on Thursday back in the 60s and 70s.  The phrase transistor radio will appear in the story.  The reporterette doing the interview will have no idea what a transistor radio is or was … but it’s better than interviewing the yucky homeless guy in the cold.

Times are changing …..

  1. When John (if YOU love Jesus … then I do too) Edwards becomes President (yeah … right!) all the homeless guys will sleep out in the cold in his backyard, IF they can sneak over the barbed wire fence, past the land mines and avoid the yappy little guard yorkie (David Bonior).
  2. Baby Boomers are dying off.  Soon no one will be alive who listened to 4-games on Thursday on a transistor radio.  Or flew on Piedmont Airlines … or ate a porthole roll. … or wrote a phone # on their hand wile standing in a phone booth.
  3. Wednesday before Thanksgiving will still be an awful day to travel unless President Reverend Algore of The Church of Silly Calamities panders to A.T.B.___.  (Abolish Thanksgiving Because (insert something about “diversity” and “muslims”) … but there won’t be any newspapers still in bizness to write about it anyway.

I am a baby boomer who actually DID listen to “4-games on Thursday” on a transistor radio.  One of the very early ones that had an alligator clip you attached to a radiator.  That made absolutely no sense but made you feel like a member of the French Underground sending out messages about Nazi troop movements thru Alsace Lorraine.

So there is little BobLee sitting on the floor by the radiator trying to dial in the usually whiskeyed voice of Ray Reeves from William Neal Reynolds Coliseum on the campus of North Carolina State University.  Between the snap crackle pops and the radiator steaming I would hear Ray mention legendary heroes like York Larese who NEVER missed a free throw EVER … and Doug Moe who’s little brother Donnie would one day sell a lot of aggregate.  I’m not sure what aggregate is either.

Duke had names like Hack Tyson and Jay Buckley and Steve Vacendak.  All of State’s players had Polish or Eye-talian names except Bucky Waters whose name was Bucky Waters.  Wake Forest’s coach was a nutty guy named Bones and he had players named Chappell and Hart and Hull and Murdock and Pac-Man’s daddy who would later say Henderson didn’t mean to hurt Tyler and REALLY make the lunatics mad.  Clemson’s players were all named Mahaffey.  Virginia and Maryland and South Carolina all had players too but I don’t remember them.

TIME OUT …. A neat little factoid about THE INCIDENT … a longtime BLSays reader played for Frank McGuire in the mid 50s but he wasn’t from Brooklyn so you won’t remember him.  He told me Monday that if Gerald Henderson had played for McGuire and did whatever it was he did to Tyler that Frank would have …… bought him a steak dinner at The Pines.  YIKES! … Frank McGuire strongly encouraged his players to”be physical and make opponents pay” if they got in the lane.  …. UNC’s Lunatic Fringe won’t like that but few if any of them have ever heard of Frank McGuire anyway so who cares.  Most UNC Lunatic Fringers think Carolina Basketball started in 1982.

Back then, only the winner of the ACC Tournament got to go to the NCAA Tournament.   Which is pretty much how God intended it …. Thessalonians 4:7-15 – “Thou shalt have no other tournament beyond this … or ever in TAMPA.”  … if it rains frogs this Friday its not like He didn’t warn us.   Maybe Breck Boy can put in a good word for us with his new best friend – God?

The NCAA Tournament back then only had 16 teams … no office brackets … no term Final Four … no ESPN … no “Bright Shining Moment” and Madison Square Garden really was at Madison Square.

In the mid-late 60s The ACC Tournament became really important because Carolina had really good teams and EVERYTHING becomes more important when Carolina is really good … Right?  I had “graduated” from my radiator by then and got to sit at mid-court on the scorer’s table at the ACC Tournament because some how everyone knew I would grow up to be BobLee The Internet Legend and you better be nice to a future Legend … Right?  We (UNC) won the Tournament all three years from 67-69 but there were some scary games.  Then we would win the Eastern Regionals … then we would run out of gas and lose but it was all quite exciting.

I haven’t even looked at “the brackets” for “the Tampa Tournament”.  Who cares?  Tyler might wear a mask or not.  Gerald Henderson will get booed when/if he plays (ya think!).  There WILL be empty seats at every game.  There might be a Randolph Childress or a Fred Linn or a Wally Walker or Vinnie DelNegro who will become a mini-legend during the weekend.

If I do decide to watch, I’ll pour myself a Dr Pepper and heat up a frozen pizza and/or make some pimento cheese sandwiches and I might sing a little song.  Ya know what that little song will be ……. The Shineolas won’t know … but lots of you fine folks will …. Of course it’s …

 Sail with the Pilot at the wheel

On a ship sturdy from its mast to its keel,

He guides thro storm and wa-ave,

Insures while you sa-ave,

Sail with the Pilot o’er the sea,

He’s got plans for every growing fam-i-lee.

Worries are far behind you,

There’s really peace of mind too;

When you sail with the Pilot, all the way,

So get on board the Pilot ship today.



    Suitcase Larry Brown got into a legendary fight with Art “The Pest” Heyman in the early 60s.  Doug Moe was involved, but his little brother Donnie was not.

   I checked with that Atlanta TV station … Professor Peeper’s case got moved to April for sentencing.  Ya know Ol’ BL will stay on this one.

   Marion “Whatever I took, I didn’t take it” Jones has married AGAIN.  Lord only knows what bizarro this guy turns out to be but we’ll find out soon … we always do.

   NASA has fired that chick astronut that went bonkers.  The Milky Way Galaxy is just a little bit safer for this executive decision … don’t you think?

   ACC historians are taking bets on the shelf life of The Tyler’s Nose Incident.  Washburn’s SAT score just celebrated its 23rd anniversary.  Spurrier’s scoreboard is coming up on #17.  We figure AT LEAST 15+ years to gnaw on this one.

   After an incredible Platinum Pals e-epistle after the quite controversial Bonnie & Clyde column … the number increased from Eight to Twenty-three … that’s the number of people who agree with my take on The Incident.  That’s more than I ever could hope for.  From those twenty-three very smart individuals I will assemble a mighty army and we will go forth and kick the immortal crap out of every Stoopid Shineola we can find … and the world will be a better place 

When you sail with The Pilot, all the way,

So get on board the Pilot ship today. 

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