Crash Nifong’s Major League Mess

January18/ 2007

… A reader asked if I sent Mike Nifong a thank you for all the columns he provided me in 2006…. Indeed, Mikey, Precious, Kim and all the assorted sugar plum fairies in The Derm Mess have graced this website often since March 13 …. Every columnist and radio talker has his/her “pocket topics” … can’t think of a topic, reach in your pocket for an “Old Reliable”…. For BobLee it’s been three in 2006 … Mikey Nifong, The Phenomenon of Dickie-hate, and those silly Shineolas.  Today we pay a VERY special tribute to “Crash” Nifong and his “Major BullDermCRASHLeague Mess in a Minor League Town”. … and “the lower end of the retail luv bizness”

No need to rehash the whole mess … Mikey’s case, constructed of popsicle sticks, bubble gum and dental floss on top of jello, continues to crack, crumble and simply disappear.  It was never more than a tendril of smoke and one man’s delusion that he had struck it rich with “The Case” that would define his career.  Well he was right about “defining his career” but probably not quite like he dreamed back in late March.

There was also that dream of Orage Quarles, Publisher of The News & Observer … “A Pulitzer Dream” … UNTIL it became obvious even to his crackerjack SWAT team of un-biased  truthseekers (cough) that “the rich white boys didn’t do it” (… drat!) … a quick about-face and they went weasel hunting after Speaker Jim Black.  Didn’t “nail him” either, but did “wing him”.  Hopefully that will keep Sacramento happy, Orage.

I used the phrase before “when your name becomes ‘a verb’ you got yourself a problem”.  “To Nifong” is already on Funk & Wagnall’s new additions list for ’07.  Another uh oh sign that you really don’t want is “Hell, no I’m not related to THAT GUY.”  Mikey Nifong has reached that level of ignominious public humiliation too.

Back in October I was at a charity golf event in Charlotte.  One of the participants was a “Greg Nifong”.  As I introduced myself and mentioned I was “from the Triangle” he said, as if he were programmed, “Before you ask … Hell, no I am not related to HIM.”  Bad sign Mikey.  I travel a great deal.  I used to amuse myself pre-Internet by looking in metro phonebooks for anyone with the last name “Hitler” … I never found even one.  I doubt “Nifong” has been THAT sullied, but, of course, it ain’t over yet.

Several updates this week amounting to Mikey’s cardboard castle coming apart in a thunderstorm of “the Truth”.   He violated numerous police procedures.  He conspired to hide evidence.  He FREAKIN’ LIED.  The real task for legal scholars who will dissect this glorious mess for years is “did this numbnutz do ANYTHING right?”

A word about “Precious” (that IS her “stage name” by the way) we didn’t make it up, she did.  Her real name is Crystal Gale Mangum, which, I assume, everyone knows by now.  Do you really think it is just a coincidence that lap dancers, “luv pros”, and NFL cheerleaders all share a total of just twelve names … eight of which end in “i”.

Lets cut Miss Precious a lot of slack in all this.  Alls she was ever after was 3-4 “Benjamins” as hush-money.  Scare them rich white boys into giving her some extra coin.  Trust me … gals in Precious’ occupation AVOID the local gendarmes … they don’t go seeking them. … “in Precious’ occupation” …

Friends and neighbors, boys and girls … of the assorted 1,000s of you who are reading this, not a handful of you have the slightest clue about “the lower-end of the retail luv bizness”.  I’m sure there’s a million sexcapades among you readers (and that doesn’t even count the Span factor) and no doubt a few “pay for plays” on a few “business trips” to Vegas and cold, lonely nights in a Motel Six off Exit 126 of the Dan JINETERAS3Ryan Expressway … but Bunny Hole Entertainment is not on any speed dials within the sound of my keyboard. … “the lower-end of the retail luv bizness”.

Whoa, whoa … I’m not saying BobLee has strolled down The Boulevard of Broken Fingernails and Essence de’ Lysol either.  There was that Halle Berry He/She on Century Blvd by LAX last November, but, as you recall, that was pure column research and we never left the telltale glow of the street light. … hell, even that brief encounter gave me “the willies” … brrrrrrrrr.

Precious had “at least” 5 different male “essencesin her nether regions not a one of which was the 40+ guys Mikey was hoping desperately for.  Maybe 5 is a slow night in Derm’s retail luv bizness.  That was “5” since her last shower, douching and/or general delousing … that could have been a week or more. … or since 8:15.  Can you imagine the lab technician … “here’s ANOTHER essence, and ANOTHER one, oops wait a minute there’s a coupla more over here. Oh what the hell, round it off at 5.  I’m gonna throw up.”

One of the “spunky” reporterettes who pounced on this story from Day One with  glamorized visions of “poor little black child abused by rich white boys” … actually confided in yours truly a few months later.  She admitted she knew absolutely nothing about “the lower end of the retail luv bizness”.   What she learned was “yucky”.  She actually said “yucky”.

No ma’m.   This was NOT Mayflower Madams supplying Audrey Hepburn and Cindy Crawford look-a-likes to German industrialists and Japanese compu-moguls.  When the truth finally got thru the iron curtain of reality suppression imposed by “the primary local print and electronic media outlets”, “exotic dancing” was finally viewed without the media’s PC-colored blinders … and a tea room full of VERY naive info-babes with Nordstrom charge cards got “da vapors”.   

It’s one thing to “not be a virgin” … it’s another thing all together to be an “associate” of Bunny Hole Entertainment with your picture on their website doing stuff we had to pay $2 extra at the county fair to see back in 1967. … “the lower end of the retail luv bizness”..  giving “hummers” in the front seat of Hummers for “$10 and a pack of Marlboros” is not as “exotic” as you first imagine … especially after the first 100 or so.

IF any “rich white lacrosse boys” HAD explored her “nether regions” that night it’s likely they would have been the first “clients” to do so in 6 months that had valid drivers licenses, no outstanding warrants and no running sores.  Richard Gere did not find Julia Roberts off of Bunny Hole’s website.   BobLee has said on three occasions … Precious and Kim were NOT terpsichoreans in an Alvin Ailee Zulu Folk Festival.  They were “working girls turning tricks for anyone with $20” and no visible weapons.

At some point this Nifongian Nightmare will reach its inevitable conclusion in “a Thelma & Louise over-the-cliff” Grand Finale.  ……… Hopefully Mike Nifong will be sued for every nickel he has or ever will have and ends up living behind a mini-mart in Rougemont. …………..  hopefully Duke President Richard Broadhead will be so disgraced that he can’t get a job as provost at a George Shinn bogus trade school ……… hopefully the three innocent victims of this tragic farce will make millions from both the law suits, book deals, and long prosperous business careers ……  hopefully Kim The Embezzler gets a job as petty cash manager for Oprah ……….  hopefully “Crazy Cousin Jakki” will be hired as a speech writer for Cynthia McKinney’s get-elected-again campaigns  ……..  AND hopefully “Precious”, bless her heart, somehow makes it to age 30 not toe-tagged from bad drugs and even badder “boy friends”.

Well, most of you made it this far.  “Lower end of the retail luv bizness” has legitimate potential for insertion into “the vernacular”.  Mizzus Swagger “got one” this year … I want my very own “vernacular” contribution.  Your support is appreciated.  Yes, I realize I have “Prince Tassel Loafer” but that is UNC specific.  If I can’t get a global phrase, maybe I can get “an image seen by millions”.  

When a NC State compu-poli-wonk and a Carolina Internet Legend get together the result is likely to be “YIKES”.  BobLee and his buddy BeoWolf spent a few hours with a six-pak of Diet Dr Pepper and a copy of Photoshop For Wise Guys and before it was “5 o’clock somewhere” we had us a couple of amusing pictures.

We ran these “instant classics” by BobLee’s Platinum Pals and got 126 “Holy Cow these are GREATs” … 47 coffee-stained monitors … and 3 “did not go thru due to permanently fatal flaws”.  That was just in the first 10 minutes.  By 9 PM these pics had circled the globe because I actually got them BACK in an e-mail from a disciple titled “BL, ya gotta see these really cool Bull Durham pictures.” …. LIFE IS GOOD! …


0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x