Petite but Shapely

July18/ 2006

I refuse to let “world events” get me depressed and I’m especially not going to get torqued watching Dems and Repubs fire “nyah nyah nyah” rockets back and forth at each other 24/7.  Life is too freakin’ short to subject yourself to that daily crap… When I can find “Woo Woo News” I just Luv It.  Luckily there has been a plethora of Woo Woo News lately … For your reading enjoyment …

What the heck is “Woo Woo News?  I dunno, I just made up the term but it seems to fit.  It’s those wonderfully bizarre stories that make you tilt your head and say “ya jest don’t see that every day”.  You then immediately e-mail a copy to your best buddies because you know they will say “Golly, that’s quite odd!”  If “Dog bites man” is news, then “Man bites dog” is Woo Woo News.  My crackerjack staff has found four belt-high fast ball examples of Woo Woo News for your reading pleasure.

#1 … The Ill-Fated Ferry Fete … Walk into The Angus Barn, Ruth’s Chris’ or Sullivan’s (or Thee Doll House) in Raleigh ANY night of the week and you will see “political feting” going on.  But rub it in the face of the “great unwashed” while they are standing in endless floydluptonferrywaiting lines under “a blazing sun” and it’s “Front Page” Woo Woo News.

The Booze Cruise Ferry Fete aboard the “Floyd Lupton” is the latest “greedy politicos” scandal story out of the NC General Assembly.  A bunch of pols were “lavishly feted” with shrimp, scallops and a steel-drum band aboard a state-owned ferry during the recent “Tall Ships” event at Beaufort.  It seems the NC Department of Commerce and the NC Ports Authority thought “lavishly feting” politicos might make it easier to get budget funding for their department. … aka they were “buying votes”.

Decry the practice all you want to but it is how the political process works and it is a bi-partisan virus for which there is no-known antidote.  Nor is there much real effort to find an antidote.

Guv Mike Easley used the term “pernicious”(??!!) when giving his official opinion, meanwhile it was noted that Mike Nifong probably wasn’t involved, but a complete copy of his whereabouts has been demanded by goofy Cousin Jakki.  Ho#2 claims “Floyd Lupton” might have called her “the n word” but she’s not sure.

A jolly gregarious lobbyist instructing a jiggly Sullivan’s waitress to “ bring us another round of Dom P and some more of dem oysters rockefeller…” for him and his fat pol target of that particular night simply operates a bit more discreetly than the “Booze Cruise Ferry Feters” chose to do.

Oh, for sure, there was great “Clintonian Remorse” when the story broke last week.  I am soooo sorry (that I got caught)!”  The “feted pols” were scrambling to distance themselves from the fallout.  Damn those digital cameras!  You knew from story one that “this little mess” had legs.  Sure enuff, each day brought more bad news for the feted pols.

My favorite was a fem-Dem from Guilford County who lamented she was sorry (that she was caught) and would not have accepted the invite if she had known it was financed by state funds.  Apparently she would have been fine if it had been Scientific Games, Video Poker Is Us, or Fair Amusements or some other vendor trying to buy her vote.

The now infamous “Floyd Lupton” upon which the lavish feting was done was taken out of service from its usual station creating “untold inconveniences” to the aforementioned “great unwashed”.

“Feting pols”, of course, continues unabated in the wake of this “scandal”.  Where the feterers screwed up was the juxtapositioning of their “Ferry feting” contrasted to their lowly constituents “baking in the blazing sun” waiting to tour the Tall Ships.

My no-account cousin / “pol” was not on-board but had given his “invite” to his no-account brother and his 4th wife (or is it 5th?).


 #2 … Mr. Christie Brinkley & His Lolita … Leno and Letterman’s writers should not have been paid for this one.  Just too easy!  Peter Cooke aka Mr Christie Brinkley #4 has been keeping a 19 y/o “petite but shapely” Lolita near their Hampton digs.  Peter met the “former toy store clerk” around Christmas a few years back, promptly created a position for her in his architectural firm and began exploring all sorts of other “positions” with her.

The first natural public reaction is “you’re married to Christie FREAKIN’ Brinkley and you’re catting around with a 19 y/o toy store clerk?  Are you Nutz?” … of course Peter is “nutz” and kinky as he can be.  Turns out the dear boy has “had a thing” for teen age girls for quite a while and is quite the “Humbert Humbert of The Hamptons”.

For a veteran Woo Woo News reader like yours truly, you JUST KNOW after the first paragraph that this one will have some major “woo woo” phrases in it.

Peter The Perv took to “leaving WADS of money hidden in secret places and giving petite but shapely Lolita clues where to find it.”  Any time the word “wads” appears in a story it’s a “keeper”.  Remember “Two Cheerleaders In A Toilet Stall”?  “Wads” is like “Toilet Stall”.

See beyond the obvious in this one.  Christie has done “til death do us part” a total of four times including Billy Joel.  Marrying Christie Brinkley has to be like buying a used Lamborghini.  Once you show it off to all your buddies, buy the requisite doeskin driving mocassins and gloves, and tool down to Montauk with the top down … the realization hits that it came with a VERY high maintenance contract and there’s reasons the other three owners traded it in. But a “19 y/o toy store clerk … albeit ‘shapely’”?

Peter The Perv is soooo screwed now.  “Petite but shapely” Lolita is suing his lying butt for whatever is left after Christie’s lawyers bleach his bones.  Christie will be able to buy Total Gyms for half of Manhatten with her 99% of their $60,000,000 holdings.   Peter will be lucky to get a job as Joey Buttafuco’s lawn jockey.


#3 … A Chicken & A Pistol Story … Like with “wads”, if you see the phrase “ … he was trying to balance a plate of fried chicken and a pistol ..” you want to read that story.  It’s got “Woo woo” all over it.  This one happened earlier this week in Morganton NC.  A nearly blind man with multiple sclerosis “was cleaning a pistol” when his wife handed him a plate of fried chicken.  In the resultant “confusion” the wife was shot in the face and died.  According to neighbors “it was a story book marriage”.  No doubt.

No mention of whether it was “original recipe” or “extra crispy” but a special senate sub-committee on poultry-related pistol deaths has summoned Colonel Sanders to Washington to testify.  A representative of the NC Barbecue Council expressed relief that “the holy grub” was not involved.  Chik-Fil-A founder Truett Cathey asked if the poultry-related shooting occurred on a Sunday.  No, it was Tuesday.


 … you can’t have a goofy chicken story without a “wolves eat crazy lady” story …

#4 … Pittsburgh Loonie Eaten by Wolves … Right up in Bill Cowher stompin’ grounds (and Much-Hated Herb’s neighborhood), some certified nut-job was keeping a pack of wolves in her backyard.  Last weekend the wolves got really mad AND ATE HER.  Mike O’Cain, Les Robinson, Noel Mazzone and Much-Hated Herb all remarked “… and that surprises who?”

The “Woo Woo” factor in this was this phrase in the AP story “… sometime last year, the wolves started getting really angry and began turning on each other …” (Swear to Gawd, a true quote!).  I sent the BobLee Research Squad to work … sure ‘nuff … it began right after those UNC and Clemson FB games in beautiful Carter-Finley Stadium.

The AP story included a bunch of quotes from “Wolf Experts” but I swear again, I think those “experts” came from TheTarPit or  Phrases like “wolves in a pack are crazed” and “when they get mad, they are out-of-control” are just too ripe.


 There were two other Woo Woo stories but we’ve run out of time and space.  One was about a guy in a muslim prison who woke up with abdominal pain.  The prison doctor did an X-ray and found a light bulb stuck up his butt!?  The guy says he has no idea how it got there or who might have inserted it.  Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

The other was another “crazy old lady” story in Petaluma CA.  Crazy old lady dies leaving a house full of over 1,000 “pet rats”.  But that’s not the Woo Woo story.  The Petaluma Animal People “put the 1,000 rats to sleep” … which sent the local “rat lovers” into hysteria.  Yes, apparently PETA has a “rat division” in Petaluma who says they could have found good homes for all the rats.


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