Holler If You Need Anything

June17/ 2006

Yes, we update “the Nifong Chronicles” at the end of this column.  With only 14 days until his all-important primary election, the pandering DA has allowed black Derm to electorally sodomize him … speeding hell-bent to personal and professional humiliation …… BUT FIRST … BobLee has discovered America’s secret weapon against illegal aliens, radical Islamic fundamentalists, campus faculty squirrels, knee-jerking jackasses, race-baited lynch mobs, and even “lunatic fringers” …. No, it’s NOT WAFFLE HOU*E but close. …… and some BIG NEWS about a good friend.

   It is with tremendous pride and joy for my dear friend, tinged with the sad reality of his physical leaving, that SSays announces that Norwood “Phineas T” Teague is the new Director of Athletics at Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU).  “Phineas” has been Assoc Ath Director for Sports Marketing at UNC for the past 5+ years.  What can I say about “Phineas”?  I am “a good guy”.  Really, I am; but a poll of mankind might reveal “a few” philistines here and there who might now agree on BobLee’s level of “good guyness”.  But EVERYBODY agrees that Norwood Teague is “a good guy”.   Norwood is to “good guys” what Krispy Kreme is to doughnuts.

   A mid 80s UNC grad, Norwood refined his sports marketing skills at UVa and at Arizona State before returning to the Franklin Street womb 5 years ago.  That he now severs the Franklin Street umbilical to venture forth once again is a testament to his courage and good sense.  Norwood’s other resume credential is his status as an ex-officio member of the SwaggerSays Board of Advisors And Lunch Buddies.  Bon Chance Mon Ami … Bon Chance!


 Where Real Americana Still Flourishes

   I don’t know why I have ignored this warm and comfortable hideaway from the rampant silliness and damn foolishness that seems to be engulfing society.  Like so many of the “why Gods?” that lead us to open certain doors ….. this time The Angel of Providence led me PASSED a WAFFLE HOU*E to Piccadilly Cafeteria.  And I am a better man for the experience.

   The Swagger Express is in Stockbridge Georgia for a few days.  On an I-75 exit festooned with every possible national and regional dining option, the sea of neon and asphalt parted and a star shone bright above Piccadilly Cafeteria. 

   If you have never dined at “a cafeteria” you really have no business whatsoever being on this website.  I am not talking about a “school cafeteria”.  I mean a public cafeteria.  I forgive the handful of you who have yet to visit a WAFFLE HOUSE, but if you truly have never had “supper” at “a cafeteria” … please just go away now.  You don’t belong here.

   OK, you could have “dinner” at a cafeteria but it would be the mid-day meal.  If you ate an “evening meal” at a cafeteria … it was “supper”.

   Growing up, when  our family “went out for supper” it was most likely to Creech’s Cafeteria “downtown.  The entire Creech Family worked there in some capacity.  The menu choices were always the same … many to be sure, but the variety of choices were always the same.  Apparently there is some Universal Law of Cafeterias … ALL Cafeterias even in 2006 still offer the same variety of choices ….. and in that sameness I take incredible comfort.

   Piccadilly Cafeteria had computerized cash registers and I noticed a touch-tone telephone … other than that I fully expected to see Mr and Mrs Creech working the line and all the little Creeches busing tables.  It was a step back through time to the mid 60s.

   The #1 food item in a cafeteria is still “that” as in “I’d like some of that, please.”  One still uses one’s index finger to indicate which “that” one is requesting.  A veteran line employee can tell if you are pointing to the butterbeans, string beans or fried okra … it’s like they tap into your brain waves.

   I suspect that Mr Piccadilly employs some workers of Hispanic origin who may be short in English communication, but he knows better than to put them “on the line”.  Can one even say “do you want gravy on those mashed potatos” in Spanish?  I KNOW you can’t say it in Pakistani.   

   If I ever go into the cafeteria bizness, I am going to buy the very largest trays I can find.  Every cafeteria diner KNOWS you HAVE to fill up your tray … ever how many little bowls, plates, big bowls, little plates, and glasses it takes … there CANNOT be any tray showing when you reach the tally lady at the end of the line.  A veteran cafeteria aficionado can gauge the length of the line versus available choices left.  There is always the “pie on top” option.  

   You have piled up a dozen or so little bowls of vegetables, some sort of pot roast, the mandatory brick of fish with the lemon slice on top, and at least one “I have no idea” entrée that simply looked to good to pass up.  You reach the “pie section” and there’s no tray space left ….. it’s OK to put the 8” high wedge of lemon meringue or cocoanut crème pie ON TOP of something else.  On top of the little plate holding the piece of garlic toast is a favorite way to solve the dilemma.

   I cannot leave “the line” without paying tribute to butta beans and stewed tomatos.  I am not sure any other restaurants on earth ALWAYS serves them.  EVERY cafeteria has butta beans and stewed tomatos.

   The “tally-up lady” is another “must have” at every cafeteria.  You do not “pay” the tally-up lady silly.  She simply tallies up your meal cost and gives you a little receipt.  You pay the register lady over by the exit.  What is preventing you from skipping out without paying?  The same little voice that tells you not to eat boogers.  No one in their right mind would skip out of “a cafeteria” without paying.

   As you tote your heavily-laden tray to a beckoning table or booth you face your next choice … leave all the little bowls and plates on the tray or set them individually on the table and set the now empty tray on the empty tray stand.  It’s really not a choice.  Everybody I know takes the bowls and plates off the tray.  It’s the civilized way.

   Most “cafeteria patrons” pause at this juncture to “return thanks”.  It is a very high %.  When the rapture comes, a cafeteria might be a very good place to be.

   As you spread your napkin in your lap and begin to establish a “consuming order” for the various edibles, you meet my favorite cafeteria employee … the “just holler lady”.  She is at least 45 and may be older than Methusala mamma … she is never taller than 5’2” … she wears a polyester shirt and a name tag.  Her name is one of the 20 accredited Southern names for short little wimmen in a cafeteria.  She asks if she can get you anything and when you say “no ma’m, I’m fine thank you” she hits you with that killer line … “if you need anything, JUST HOLLER!”  

   Even Gladys at WAFFLE HOUSE doesn’t get to use that line.  I dare you to go into a Ruth’s Chris or Wolfgang Puck’s or anywhere but a cafeteria and have a dear little lady say “JUST HOLLER if you need anything” … AND MEAN IT. 

   There is much more to discuss about cafeterias but, alas and alack, I must deal with MUCH more unpleasant matters now … a hint … it starts with “Ni” and ends with “fong”. 

   We definitely will continue our cafeteria commentary in a near future column.


    At 4:45 AM on Tuesday Radio Free Europe interrupted their normal broadcast to announce that Derm’s Mr District Attorney – Mike Nifong had dispatched a Derm Police goon squad to apprehend two Duke Lacrosse players one of whom, according to the “oh-so-unbiased media” report, “parents live on a Long Island cul-de-sac of million dollar homes”.  If you ask “what’s that got to do with anything” you don’t know much about the “rush to a lynching” agenda that has the self-righteous media all atwitter. 

   If you also ask “why did he make such a dramatic show of force when the players attorneys said any player indicted would voluntarily turn himself in” … then you don’t understand that Mike Nifong needed a “perp walk” to show every black citizen of Derm on Tuesday morning … at least every registered black voter in Derm.  Mike had done his research and learned that people who live in million dollar homes on Long Island cul-de-sacs can’t vote in Derm County primary elections.  Mike is QUITE DUMB … but he ain’t stoopid. 

   On Monday, Mike lamented his loss of anonymity and pined publicly for the right to pee in the Derm County Court House without CNN announcing the duration and strength of his urine stream.  Monday night Reverend JJ took over Paula Zahn’s CNN show to discuss “white men lusting for black wimmen” and his personal concern for Mike Nifong’s rather weak urine stream.  Jesse failed to note how black men have a thing for blonde white wimmen with big hooters.  Paula missed a great follow-up question I think.  That Jesse was transfixed on Paula’s milky white thighs while giving his historical anthropology lesson was also not noted … or mentioned by the N&O.  The value of Jesse’s various mansions nor the value of his mistresses houses was not included in the story.

  Thinking the camera had cut away, Jesse whispered to Paula “have you ever seen a Mandingo Warrior’s spear … do ya wanna?”

   Those of you not in the Triangle area missed the “oh-so-Unbiased” N&O’s whizbang story on Sunday about “the college student and single mother of two …”.  I personally was surprised to learn she helped Marie Curie discover radium … gave Mother Teresa lessons in human compassion … helps Jimmy Carter hang sheetrock in his Habitat homes … and has been nominated by her fellow drunken exotic dancers in the Triangle for the Nobel Peace Prize for Stripping and Losing Fingernails.   The value of her parents home was not included in the news story.  

   It also turns out that two of the “rich spoiled white Lacrosse players who hurled epithets” are sons of a New York City fireman.  The value of the NYFD father’s house was also not noted.

   Folks … I wish I was making up all the above crap … I wish I COULD make up crap this absurd.

   I said on this site several weeks ago that IF these “rich (and not so rich) white boys” had actually done any aspect of these charges, they deserve full and proper punishment … hell, castrate’em on Mike Nifong’s desk at high noon with a pair of rusty hedge clippers … but if all this is nothing more than “a Tawana” that has now been turned into a “payback for Kunte Kinte” then there are some seriously sick people being pandered to by the local, regional and national media who themselves are way beyond contemptable..  

   As this Nifong jackass bends over and grabs his ankles for black Derm … could we call it “electoral sodomy”? … an idiot like this surely can’t hold an important post in Derm … then I remember “it’s Derm” and all bets are off.  

   I hold to my original idea … relocate Duke to Delaware … give anyone in Derm with an IQ larger than their shoe size two weeks to get out of town … then vaporizes what’s left … wait 10 years for the dust to settle then pave it all over for satellite parking for Kenan Stadium



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