September 2005
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Two Cheerleaders In A Toilet Stall …
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… Sunday night Mizzus and I drank “a bottle of wine”. An $1,800 “bottle of wine”! That would normally top a “weekend highlights” list, but not this particular weekend. Every event in human history now backs up one notch in its overall “headline impact” based on what happened Saturday night. The “where were you when you heard …..” stories will reverberate off of sports bar walls for as long as Ricky Proehl catches passes in the NFL … at least 30 more years. Where were YOU when you heard about …
…TWO CHEERLEADERS IN A TOILET STALL…
As one who relies on provocative headlines to lure you lovable loyal lemmings into READ MORE, I have an appreciation for folks who write media headlines. The headline “sells the story”. This story sold pretty darn well.
There is no man nor lesbian drawing breath that did not “read more” when they saw that headline Monday morning. Imagine the viewers who stayed tuned when the “local sports guy” said “right after this message from Evil Earl’s Nail Salon & Kia Dealership, we’ll tell you about TWO CHEERLEADERS IN A TOILET STALL”. You just know “Earl” had to be happy.
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OK, confess … how many of youans, when you heard this news story IMMEDIATELY thought “OH LORDY, BobLee has just died and gone to smart-ass Internet Legend Heaven!”
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Oh that “bottle of wine”. It was a robust French Bordeaux – 61 Chateau Haut Brion. Yes, it lists at around $1,800 depending upon how thirsty you are. It was a gift from a dear friend (Y
A THINK?) given to us with the stipulation that we indeed drink it and not use it to cover the balance of Kid’s orthodonture. We did so together with a gourmet meal prepared by yet another good friend.
I must confess, my wine knowledge consists of “it comes in three colors and the red kind makes the worst stains and the worst headaches”. As a result, around our house the corkscrew usually costs more than the bottle it opens. We use a very nice $25 corkscrew. This wine “tasted good” but I think it was the pure decadence of the act that made the event. Kind of like flying First Class from Raleigh to Greensboro. … enuff about wine already … back to Two Lesbees In A Loo …
This story is three days old meaning 2,685,942+ jokes have been posted on the Internet. Just the jokes involving the Minnesota Vikings hiring the no longer-Panther cheerleaders are into the thousands. A Nexus search shows the #1 “Cheerleaders In The Toilet Stall” joke involves the premise of “if they had been in the Men’s Room they coulda sold tickets …”
Speaking of “selling tickets” doyathink “Banana Joe’s” is milking this for every advantage … 
guided tours of their Ladies Room and, for an extra $10, you and your same sex buddy can go into the very same stall and make a “sex act sounds” CD. They tape you “making sex act sounds” then you come out and punch a cardboard cut-out of Yasmine Bleeth. Souvenir copies of fake Top Kat driver licenses are being given out with a purchase of a “Messa Wings & A Large Pitcher”.
One has to hurt for Panther owner Jerry Richardson. The Richardson Family are first class folks yet have endured enough team scandal and bad boy (and now girls) episodes to make Al Davis jealous as all get out. Prior to starting the Panthers, Jerry’s only problems were racial discrimination at his Denny’s Restaurants … those were “the good ol days, huh Jerry?”
These high-spirited sisters of Shappo were immediately dismissed from the Panther organization for “having their mugshots taken without make-up”. New York PR whiz Danny “Big Idea” Dortsch estimates that the one scary mugshot of Angela will limit her post-Panther opportunities to cornfield guarding and frightening hiccups out of kindergardners. It was, Renee, the better looking one of the two, that claimed she was “Dexter Reid” … oops, wrong case.
The girls’ whizbang attorney, F. Lee Finkelstein, is claiming “They were not having sex. They were just doing drugs and tearing those tags off of mattresses.” Hearing this, George Shinn has recommended “his guy” to replace attorney Finkelstein. Georgie Porgie has invited the girls to his Tega Cay Brodello & Catfish Hatchery to discuss their future.
What could be better than a great bottle of wine AND a skanky Cheerleader story … howsabout writing a column on NFL Cheerleaders while in a Circle Suite at Texas Stadium … for a “fantasy camp” no less? Indeed, talk
about “going to Lourdes” for divine inspiration. Yours truly is indeed at Ground Zero where spandex, skanks, and The NATIONAL Football League first formed their very most unholy alliance over 30 years ago.
Clint Murchison, Tex Schramm, and Gil Brandt were sitting around Dallas Cowboy HQ wondering why their Lee Roy Jordan Swimsuit Calendar wasn’t jumping off the shelves. All three later claimed authorship of the historic phrase …:
“suppose we take a bunch of small town Texas beauty queens with big hair, pneumatic breasts, killer smiles, and legs like a Chippendale Table and dress’em up in 18 square inches of this new stretchy “spandex” and silk and stiletto disco boots, and tell’em to go out there on the sidelines and turn every male on Earth into a goggle-eyed, drooling, bona-fide sexual predator?”
Dumping 800 cases of Lee Roy’s calendars in an Irving dumpster, the three dirty old men headed out; scouring East Texas for naïve 18 year old Miss Boll Weevil finalists. The rest is soft porn history.
Had the headline simply been ONE Cheerleader In A Toilet Stall it would not have had the “two of’em at once” impact. Or Two Cheerleaders In A Phone Booth, while not bad what with the glass walls and all, is not as titillating as “… IN A TOILET STALL”. Combining two of life’s greatest mysteries (1) “what are those cheerleaders really like?” and (2) “what really goes on in a Ladies restroom” makes this truly “a story unlike any other”.
I have reflected on what other great eye-catching headlines I have witnessed in my lifetime …
DEWEY WINS
… ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN …
NC STATE HIRES TOM REED
AMC INTRODUCES THE PACER TO REPLACE GREMLIN
DEAN SMITH SIGNS MAKHTAR
DUKE 40 – VMI 14
FBI SUBPOENA NOTES “THEE DOLL HOUSE” IN JIM BLACK LOTTERY PROBE
… while each of these conjurs up its own myriad erotic images … we will not soon see a headline to match – TWO CHEERLEADERS IN A TOILET STALL. Heck, I plan on using it on SwaggerSays after it’s had time to gather dust in the national memory bank.
The truth of what really happened at Banana Joe’s will surely be much tamer than all these salacious tawdry rumors … but less than 5% of the audience will ever know.
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