The Chicken, The Pig & Cuzzin Eddie

Cuzzin Eddie
October12/ 2005

The fine folks up in Halifax County finally swallowed their pride and threw out “Cousin Eddie” …. It only cost Tar Heel taxpayers $20,000,000+ or so.  The Rock Star is “still in the well” ….  BobLee covers Prez Ersky’s back. …. Will Tebow three-peat?

randy_parton_theater_1_630_pxlw“Cuzzin Eddie” aka Randy “Her Brother” Parton had both feet on banana peels up in Roanoke Rapids so he did what any stoopid hillbilly would do.  He got hisself drunk as a skunk.  Earlier in the week the wise ol’ owls of Roanoke Rapids had cut Randy salary to “one $ less than Celine Dion gets at Caesars Palace.”  Randy became disconsolate and sought sympathy from John Barleycorn.

You remember this one.  A coupla Halifax County con men cooked up a version of the ol’ pig in a poke scam …. found themselves an accomplice among the assorted “what’s in it for me” duly-elected thieves on Jones Street ….  dug up a Nashville Nobody with a famous last name …. and are now long gone with plenty of taxpayers money.   Leaving “Cuzzin Eddie” to catch the rotten eggs.

All the attention is now on goofy “Cuzzin Eddie” Parton but he’s nothing but the Judas goat that Biggy Rat & Itchy Brutha staked out to take the fall. ….. (NOTE:  “Cuzzin Eddie” was the Randy Quaid character in those Chevy Chase “Vacation” movies …. Oh yeah, now I get it.)

The local “We’re not biased.  Just really really liberal” newspaper has been chronicling the recent daily goings-ons up in Roanoke Rapids as Randy’s Castle In A CornField comes tumbling down around him.  A lot of the reader comments have assailed the city fathers of Roanoke Rapids for ever 080303_randy_partonthinking they could become a Yankee Tourist Trap on I-95.  As usual the chirping crickets are off-base.  The intentions of the Roanoke Rapiders were fine and their general concept valid.  Where they botched it was going into cahoots with Biggy Rat & Itchy Brutha.

I-95 is the primary north-south flyway for Yankees going to Disney World, Yankees coming back from Disney World loaded with Mickey stuff. “Illegals” working as mules running drugs and cigarettes to New York ….. and 100,000s of reasonable normal people doing reasonably normal stuff along the Eastern Seaboard.

Roanoke Rapids sits near the southern tip of I-95’s “Death Valley”.  A stretch of about 100 desolate miles from Petersburg VA to Rocky Mount totally devoid of recognizable life.  It’s western Kansas with pine trees.  There is a stretch of about 60 miles where there are no AM, FM or even GPS signals.  I switched on my GPS around the Skippers exit once and the voice said “are you still on Earth?”  But regardless, 100,000s of cars move thru there every day ….. and/or sit in gridlock when that designated 18-wheeler turns over spilling diesel fuel all across both sides of the Interstate.  That same 18-wheeler spills that same diesel fuel at least twice/day …. Or as much as four times during especially busy travel dates.

County Mounties all up and down I-95 compete to see who can back traffic up the furthest.  38 miles is the record set last month outside Selma.

It is realistic to think that Roanoke Rapids could come up with some gawd-awful South Of The Border-esque melange of tacky fair midway crap to lure 1,000s of bored travelers off the Interstate for a few hours.  Some combo of nekkid wimmen,  chocolate-covered beef jerky, World’s Largest 3-Legged Pig, mimes, alligator wrestlers and plenty of restrooms ….. but not a Nashville Nobody at $1 Mill/year.

As 2007 comes out of the 4th turn highballing it towards the finish line …. We reluctantly prepare to stick a fork in Randy Parton.  He earns his place in our 2007 Hall of Nefarious Gallots along with Mikey Nifong, Jimbo The Weasel, and The Apple Cheeked Fraud From Robbins.

Maybe Roanoke Rapids could commission Madame Toussard’s wax guys to make larger than life-size replicas of North Carolina’s most witless jugheads.  They could include Guvnor Missing Mike Easley if anyone knew what he looked like.  History says leave plenty of room for lots more annual additions.

The Old North State seem to produce jugheads like Vidalia produces onions.


  My favorite former Clinton White House Chief of Staff is catching heat this week.  Prez Ersky stated that UNC should STUDY the issue of tuition and enrollment of “illegal aliens”.  “Study and formulate a policy” is not quite the same as “fling open the doors and let’em all come in” but folks harboring distrust of Skippa’s Boy are on Full Alert now.

I remain steadfast in my role as Executive Director of Right-wingers For Erskine.  

The “Immigration Issue” seems simple to solve for those of us NOT responsible for solving it.  For those who must actually deal with it it gets a bit dicier.  I had two communiqués with EB last week …. (1) on The Summit At The Sound and (2) on a mutual acquaintette considering running for State Senate.  What to do about The Taco Invasion did not come up.


   The Chicken & The Pig got into an argument over which one was more important to “Breakfast”.  The Pig won because while The Chicken did “contribute” eggs ….. for The Pig it involved “a total commitment”.

As you will surely be debating the future of Carolina Football thru the holidays …. On the subject of “the cost of BCS poker” qualify your debate opponent from the get-go.  If, like a certain area sportswriter, your opponent has never joined the Rams Club nor ever purchased a season ticket, he is neither The Chicken nor The Pig but just a Flatulent Donkey.

If UNC’s Fat Cats want to spend $150,000,000 to help Butch flimflam fleetfoots to Kenan, that is their decision.  If individually or collectively they decide not to, that is their decision too.  Either way the Loonies will despise them because that’s what Loonies do.


   The Myth of The GENIUS Coordinator ….. am I the only one who questions this “genius” coordinator crap?  Why is Smilin’ Jon Tenuta a “genius”?  Because every TV guy picks it up from the last TV guy who picked it up from the TV guy before him.  Will every telecast from Historic Grant Field in the PJ Era still include the perfunctory shot of Smilin’ Jon behind the glass?  There’s not but so many ways to manipulate eleven Xs and Os and 10,000 coaches have pretty well figured’em all out.

It seems to me that most “anointed geniuses” seem to have pretty darn good players just prior to their anointment.  Norm Chow ain’t all that geniusy lately.  Tom Brady is doing OK without the OC genius of Charlie Weis !!!!

Then, of course, there was Marvelous Marv and Forty Point Frank ….. that dynamic duo certainly left their mark didn’t they! …. Maybe if Kenan had a bigger Jumbotron then Marv and Forty Point woulda done better …. Ya reckon?  And speaking of “marks” – Mark Trestman – Yee Hah.  Jim Grobe doesn’t have a genius coordinator …. How come he wins a lot?


 Everything I read and hear about Tim Tebow says he’s the “real deal” as the modern embodiment of Jack Armstrong and Chip Hilton.  But about every week we still read about Gator bad boyz up to the usual thuggery and hoodlum behavior.


   The Oprah & Obama Tour hits the Iowa mall circuit last week breaking food court crowd records previously held by Kelly Clarkson & Justin Guarini.  Only in America could a Muslim with funny ears get to share a tour bus with The Antichrist. …..

Randy Parton has offered to be John Edwards’ “celebrity  endorser” for $500,000 …. or a hot meal and a pair of socks.

Three years ago I met NY Knicks owner Jim Dolan in a bowling alley on Chelsea Pier.  I found him to be a boorish jackass.  Apparently I was right.


0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x