Dawg Gone

July15/ 2000

You guys are THE BEST!  Eight buddies have e-mailed worried I’m gonna bust a gut on this story …. gonna overswing and hurt myself.  Bless your hearts, six years ago I did “Two Cheerleaders In A Toilet Stall making sex sounds” . …. This one’s in that league for sure.

It has the required THREE killer phrases: (1) “red panties between his legs” – (2) moral turpitude clause – (3) “began sobbing uncontrollably”.   I channeled legendary Univ GA voice of Larry Munson and Dawg Superfan, the late Lewis Grizzard.  Between the three of us I figure we’ll go yard for sure.

This one is so rich that the phrase “don’t you know who I am?” didn’t make the top three.  This one has that where were you when you heard this quality to it.   Or where was Kerri Evans Wednesday night around midnight when she heard it?  Oh me, Oh my.

For every Ying there is a Yang.  As bad as the past four days have been for The Evans’ of Athens and for BullDawg Nation, it’s pretty good for GaTech, Florida and Alabama fans.  Indeed.

All the neo-Soccer fans wondering “where is Paraquay?” have come back to college football now.  All it took was an Atlanta J&C story with the words – UGaAD Damon Evans ….  DUI ….. red panties between his legs ….. witless skank ….. and “don’t you know who I am?”.  

All that was missing was a couple of farm animals, a midget masseuse, two cabana boys, and Georgia Voice Of Larry Munson:

….. Hunker down Dawgs, hunker down.  OH MY GAWD …. the pantie-less skank has her hob-nailed boot on the neck o’ that Georgia mountie.  Oh my Gawd …. Mamma Evans will be breaking furniture in Athens tonight ….”

Larry woulda been perfect for this one.

A pair of red panties were found between his legs” implies the cop looked for them.  “Mr Evans, I don’t know, or care, WHO you are; but I am curious WHY that bit of red tricot is apeeking out of your crotch?

Evans’ reply is now silk-screened on t-shirts selling briskly on Peachtree Street …..

She took them off and I held them because
I was just trying to get her home.
” …. huh?

Imagine you are Damon Evans – your UGA BMW is pulled over in North Atlanta. You’ve had at least three vodka cocktails and the witless skank sitting next to you is sans panties because they are between your legs.  Your $100,000 raise kicks in in 15

some good and a WHOLE lot of bad going on ….

minutes.  There’s some good and a WHOLE lot bad all going on at once.  The Georgia mountie (a Tech fan) is asking you about the red panties between your legs.

Who rehearses for THAT scenario?  Really?  Tiger ….. Algore ….. Eliot Spitzer?

My next favorite line was “As the officers led Evans’ into the police station, he began sobbing uncontrollably.”  As the soused AD, the skank au commando and the GA mountie entered the hoosegow,  Evans realized “Kerri, and our two kids, probably aren’t going to take this too well.”  A Larry Munson hob-nailed boot jammed three feet up his sorry butt mighta seemed “getting off easy”.

Damon Evans was spokesman for Georgia’s “Don’t drink and drive or you lose” campaign?  You-tubes of Damon’s commercial went viral by noon Thursday.

Damon Evans was the first black AD in the SEC.  By Monday noon Damon will be the first black AD in the SEC to be thrown under his leased BMW for being a miserable philandering horn Dawg.  Race is an issue because Race is always an issue even when Race is not an issue at all.  Pundits debated that Evans either would/would not be fired because he is black.  On Sunday it was reported that Evans is still black but by noon Monday will NOT still be the UGa AD.

Were the most infamous red panties in Georgia history returned to the skanky nether regions from whence they had been removed, or sold on e-bay for $5,000 to a Georgia Tech fraternity?

This incident included at least five violations of the moral turpitude clause of his new contract.  Damon mighta but I’m a black guy’d his way out of one, maybe two …..  but look up moral turpitude in the dictionary – there’s a picture of a pair of red panties between an AD’s legs.

I thoughts of legendary Gawja superfan, the late Lewis Grizzard.  I can see Lewis with his dog, Catfish, also late, in either Heaven or Hell (with Lewis it’s a toss-up).  Sippin’ on a bourbon/branch water, Lewis might proffer:

“Damon, son, I don’t believe I’d put dem panties between my legs ….. although goodness knows who among us hasn’t considered it a time or two.” 

In case you were wondering how much that commando-skank costs Damon; here’s the details of his new contract:

•    $550,000 this fiscal year; $570,000 next FY;
$590,000 in FY 2013; $610,000 in FY 2014;
$630,000 in FY2015.
•    two automobiles for business and personal use
•    $800 annually for gas, maintenance and insurance
•    Georgia to pay for all country club expenses
•    $15,000 bonus per year for any year in which
Georgia ranks in the top third of the SEC in
Graduation Success Rate
•    longevity bonus of $100,000 if he stayed until
July 1, 2011
•    longevity bonus of $250,000 if he stayed until
July 1, 2015


STAY TUNED:  There will be a Damon’s Dilemma II follow-up commentary that may SHOCK YOU with BobLee’s analysis of all this.  It promises to be provocative.  Upcoming on Thurs – 8th. 


OF COURSE, a story about an AD’s new contract led me to Chancy Randy’s desk at NC State and a peek at Madame Yow’s new contract.  If Madame Yow is stopped by a LEO and a pair of red panties is discovered between HER legs, she gets an additional $250.  ….. No wonder LeBron wants her agent.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x