“R U Watching 2 ?”

June15/ 2000

As Caesar’s Gaul was divided into three parts so is today’s global community – (Part 1) Soccer zealots obsessed with cramming their sport down my throat – (Part 2) Soccer-haters ranting 24/7 how stoopid they think Soccer and its zealots are – (Part 3)  Me.  Memo to Parts 1&2 – A pox on both of you.  Leave me alone.


Hey, you with the confused expression. Are you looking for for That Reunion Column? It’s in The Archives.  click here > That Reunion Column …. Then come back. This is a good one too..


I think soccer is a perfect sports activity for boys and girls.  Run and kick …. run and kick …. drink some Gator-Aid ….. run and kick some more.  Then take a nap so Soccer Mom can watch her favorite reality show – The Real LifePartners of Carrboro.

But nooooo ….. It’s been bastardized by man’s uncontrollable urge to suck the purity and simplicity out of anything that is pure and simple.  Bureaucratize the fun out of it with complex corporate organizational-overkill.  Soon there will be as many happy soccer kids as there are happy corporate drones.

Once upon a time the primary soccer injuries were “kicked in the shin” and “hit in the face with the ball”.  Both easily treated by Bill Clinton’s – put some ice on it.

It’s 2010.  The most common injuries now are (1) emotional devastation over not being chosen for the Select team and (2) allow the game winning goal and thereby embarrassing mom in front of other Desperate Housewives in her pilates class.

Do soccer-playing kids in Upper Volta and Paraquay suffer such trauma?  Are there pilates classes in Slovenia?

I think The World Cup is a fine event.  So is The World Series of Poker – NASCAR’s Nationwide Series  – Bassmasters – Running of the bulls in Pamploma.   Sports options abound in America – The Land of The Free and Six ESPN Channels.

Baskin-Robbins has 30+ flavors …… But ice cream fans don’t get in my face telling me I don’t know what I’m missing by not eating Tutti-Frutti.  Am I aware that Tutti-Frutti is the #1 ice cream flavor in every other country on Earth?  I insult some Croatian shepherd by shunning his country’s favorite ice cream flavor.

My daughter (aka: the recent cum laude grad from Mizzou J-school !) was gittily anticipating the USA v England match.  Her text message oozed with zeal

Dad R’nt U going 2 watch 2?

– “Dad, Rn’t U going 2 watch 2 ?” I know Kid AND how boring soccer is for non-zealots.

I waited until I figured it was halftime. My text – “So how’s that soccer?” ….  Her reply – “Huh?  Oh that …. I watched for 10 minutes then found an Anthropologie catalogue.  There is a really cute top on page 43 if Mom is looking for more graduation gifts for me.”  ….. That’s my Kid !

Howsabout all those Euro-serfs from Socialist regimes using their three months of government-mandated vacation to travel to South Africa … to cram into those venues (soccer-speak for stadium) … to blow funny horns …. to celebrate a 0-0 tie by rioting in the streets of Durbin.  Americans have New Years In Times Square or Mardi Gras.  Every tribe since the Dawn of Time yearns to riot and trample one another.

Soccer has silly rules.  Uuumm.  Try explaining the infield fly rule to a Norwegian.  Or golf’s embedded ball rule to a Watusi.  Heck, explain NASCAR’s restrictor plate rule to anyone on Manhattan’s Upper West Side .

Memo To: Soccer Zealots:  You want me to watch for longer than it takes to find the remote?  OK.  Expand the mouth of the goal 6’ in width and 2’ in height ….. that’s all.   Keep all that other mess with yellow cards and the two-handed throw-in, etc.  With the players’ high skill levels, just that much more area to shoot at will increase scoring enough to hold my interest.  That’s it – 6’ wider -2’ higher.

Oh BobLee, how very ugly-American of you.  Typical crass disregard for the marvelous subtleties of this perfect sport.

In other words, The Lords of Soccer will not make that rather simple change to add me as a fan.  To which I say ……. one, two, three strikes you’re OUT as my ol’ ball game.


BobLee, what’s with the goofy picture at the top?  Missus and I took a break from monitoring The Collapse of America to stroll the local Farmers’ Market.  We saw that sign.  There will be 8,548 stories filed about The World Cup. Mine is the one promoting Cheese & Fresh Rabbit.

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