When Nitwits Compete, We All Win.

January21/ 2000

… I’ve never done this before, but what the heck …. The bulk of this column was released earlier Thursday  as a Platinum Pals e-letter hitting America with the impact of an asteroid the size of Laura Davies ….  BIG! ….  I am adding a few choice nuggets for The Pals on Paris & Larry, Elizabeth & Ann, and some immigration stuff….  ENJOY!


   Did ya see Larry King interview Paris Hilton?  I sneaked a peek when Mizzus wasn’t looking.  That deformed little sumbitch (Larry K) is “sumbitch non grata” around our house.   It was vintage Ol’ Larr when interviewing a vapid Hollyweird dust bunny …

LARRY:   “Paris, I understand you found God in jail.  What did he look like?”

PARIS:   “His name was Ralph.  He had a tattoo of Shrek on his forehead.”

LARRY:  “That’s what I thought.  What  else did you learn in jail?”

PARIS:    “That  women over 275 lbs snore real loud.”

LARRY:  “I’m wondering …. What’s your favorite Bible verse.

PARIS:   “Never wear stripes with plaids.”

LARRY:    “Hey, that’s mine too ….”.


   Latest round of the Immigration Mess is in the books …. It ain’t over by a long shot.   Congress still has 12% to go before absolutely NO ONE has the slightest respect for any of’em.   Barry Bonds, PacMan Jones and Bobby Cutts defeated “anyone inside the beltway” in a recent Baskin Robbins Poll of “kids with severe overbites”..

I gotta solution.  Its no secret that the Limousine Libs really despise “those smelly brown people carrying leaf blowers”.  Alls they are to them are another bunch of ignorant lemming to lock down on their welfare plantation.  Lets cut to the chase ….. lockdown the borders …. Lockup employers hiring illegals ….  And we’ll simply spot the Libs 3,000,000 votes in the next election.  Like a golf handicap, give’em 3,000,000 before we tee it up.  That’s all they want with’em any way.


    You’ve all heard about “Courageous Ms. Elizabeth” getting up off her sick bed with her chemo IV hanging from her arm, calling Chris Matthews to teach Ann Coulter some manners.   And you thought “the Edwards” could not get any more hypocritical.  There will be at least one more such stunt before he goes el foldo.  Bring It On Elizabeth and Whatshisname.

Ann Coulter plays in a very tough “no mercy” arena.  She dishes it out …. she can take it.  Edwards dishes it out …. but can’t take it.  She agrees to appear on a hostile show like Hardball setting herself up to be ambushed by Matthews (UNC Alum!).  Yet Apple Cheeks is afraid to appear on FoxNews.  What a macho guy …. hiding behind a cancer skirt!!

Coulter is an assassin pundit …. Edwards is a self-righteous fop.  Neither has any business running for president.  Only one of them insults America by doing so.

It was all calculated.  Apple Cheeks’ fund raising has bottomed out.  He needed a grandstand stunt before his 11th hour beg-fest this Saturday night.  “Taking on Ann Coulter” was staged to allow America’s #1 Cancer Wife to hit their lemming up for more bucks.   Incidentally …. Deano is co-fronting this latest beg-fest.  Johnny is bartering Dean’s name and fame to bambozzle bucks from gullible Dean disciples.  (When Coach K co-hosted a deal for Dole he was crucified for doing so by UNC / Duke faculty squirrels …. Deano is lauded …. makes ya say “huh?”)


When Nitwits Compete …. We all win!

   Yesterday (Wednesday) was definitely NOT “a slow news day”.  Each of the three points of “the Triangle” jousted for the prize of “ NitWit Newsmaker of The Day”. …..  “The Mary McAllister Show” at The State Board of Elections had a lock on the prize for sheer volume.

You recall Mary Mc …. The Queen Bee of The Do-Rag Caucus.  In addition to blatant misuse of campaign funds, Mary and son Darien scam $165,000+ from “the taxpayers” each year w/ their Sickle Cell scam.  Asked if she had a clue about Sickle Cell, Mary replied “not really but I think Darien does.”

Mizz Mary was summoned to a hearing in her dishonor at The State Board of Elections over her “creative bookkeeping”.  Mary Mc herownself is a hoot but she brings her attorney ….. the livin’, breathin’ reincarnation of Seinfeld’s “Jackie Chiles”.  “Jackie” of course was Seinfeld’ parody combo of Johnny Cochrane, Don King and Rev Al.

“Jackie” was not given full rein to pontificate.   The Raleigh Court system had exhausted its quota  for using the term “exculpatory” during the recent Nifong Show & Don’t Tell.  “Jackie” had to limit his bloviatin’ mumbo jumbo to anything but “exculpatory”.   He was up to the task.

Mary was exceptional.  She was a “Sybil w/ Soul” incorporating every “dingbat black woman” personality ever seen on TV or “the big screen”.   Fred Sanford’s “Aunt Esther”, GWTW’s Butterfly McQueen and a bit of a distaff “George Jefferson”.   She even filled the gallery with a retinue of “church wimmen” complete with bulgin’ bodices and pillbox hats.

She was as guilty as  OJ with a side order of Charles Manson.   The challenge was to get thru the proceedings without Mary pullin’ a “Fred Sanford” and faking ”the big one” ….   “I’m comin to join you Elizabeth …”

Mary’s defense strategy was the Butterfly McQueen gambit …. “Lordy, I jest don’t know nuthin’ bout balancing no checkbook.”  …. “I is confoosed”.

The highlight of the show was when Mary,  flabbergasted by facts, could not remember the story she and “Jackie” had concocted.   She wanted “Jackie” to tell her what to say next about “where the $5,000 in cash came from”.   The fella running the proceeding told her she could not ask “Jackie” …. She had to make up her story as best she could on her own.  That REALLY confoosed Mary. …..

“But  Speaker Black, he told me I could get away with it.”   

“Mizz McAllister, Speaker Black is a convicted felon going to prison.”

“Oh ….  never mind.”

 MEANWHILE …. Just 28 miles to the west in the quaint Village of Chapel Hill …. the duly elected gaggle of sideshow freaks keeping that little municipality in turmoil were in the process of hiring a new police chief.

It was a difficult search considering the #1 interview question was “Are you willing to shoot anyone with a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker on their truck?”   They thought they had their guy.   It was not to be …..  The candidate failed his physical.   TRUE STORY

…. It’s important to know that since 1992, neither Chapel Hill nor Carrboro have elected nor appointed a single heterosexual to any position in either burg.   Sexual diversity Chapel Hill-style excludes “missionary position twixt “a he & a she”.  A “red light” went off when, during his prostate exam, the candidate failed “to giggle” and ask “may I have another one please”. …..  Our search will begin anew” said the Chapel Hill Town Manager.

MEANWHILE …. In America’s Most Ridiculed Municipal Moshpit ….. Mikey was not about to let Mary Mc steal “HIS” front page.   A sheriff’s deputy went by Mikey’s domestic bunker to serve him with papers to appear at his official firing on Thursday.  Frau Nifong (aka Cy Gurney …. Hell no I ain’t using his name!) uttered one of the all-time great lines …..

 “Mike’s not here.  He took his guitar and left.  I don’t know where he is.”  

    Will the troubled troubadour reemerge as a Jimmi Hendrix or as Arlo Guthrie?   I see him in baggy shorts, Birkenstocks and a Ben & Jerry ballcap sitting on the banks of The Eno strumming his 6-string and singing “Froggy Went A Courtin” …. or “Nobody Knows The Troubles I’ve Caused”.

Thursday morning the Derm Judge charged Arlo “the human punchline” Nifong with contempt of court ….  spitting on the sidewalk …. and tearing the tag off of a mattress at the Macy’s at Southpointe.

……  the votes are in ……. Mary McAllister is declared Wednesday’s #1 Triangle NitWit.   Mary has asked that any prize money be “in cash” …. preferably unmarked non-consecutive serial numbers and delivered in a Piggly Wiggly paper sack behind the Bojangles on New Bern Avenue.


  Amazing Fact ….. 93% of the above Triple Nitwit account actually went out over the air in my appearance on Jack Boston’s Show on WPTF this AM.   The first ACLU threatening fax arrived 10 minutes after I left via my secret escape tunnel.


Speaking of King Rice and Chapel Hill Police ….

What did King once do to a sheetrock wall at CHPD?


   Aksarben is Nebraska spelled backwards and is a thoroughbred race track in Omaha.  Hatu is Utah spelled backwards and isn’t anything that we know of.

   Wanna be a Platinum Pal?  Just e-mail us and say “I wanna be a Platinum Pal”.  We sign you up and then send nasty-grams to “the Gang of 88” under your name.  No we really don’t.

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